Stop going to the hardware store for milk!
I honestly can’t remember the first time I came across this saying but it’s since turned into one of my very favorite sayings to share with my therapy clients.
“Stop going to the hardware store for milk” essentially means that at a certain point you have to realize that the thing you are trying to get from a particular source simply may not be possible and it would save you a world of frustration if you could only stop going to the wrong source for that thing you really need.
What this can look like in real life:
- Going to your parent again and again for emotional support when you’re deeply hurting and having them disappointingly just not be able to emotionally show up for you;
- Repeatedly expecting your partner to give you specific, spot-on advice about something you’re wrestling with and having them frustratingly not be able to help you in the exact way you hope they will;
- Trying to talk to your sibling about something again and again in the hopes that they might be able to take personal responsibility for their part in the conflict you’re having and yet having them just. not. get. it;
- Turning towards a friend hoping and wishing they could finally, actually get you and be a source of camaraderie and empathy despite their life being a complete opposite of yours.
Whatever the specifics are for you, I’m imagining there have been times and moments when you’ve repeatedly turned towards a loved one for something you’re deeply longing for and, no matter how hard you tried to explain what it is you need or how many times you ask for that thing, they just have not been able to provide it for you, right?
You have, essentially, been going to the hardware store for milk when, quite frankly, that darn hardware store just doesn’t have any milk at all to give you.
And it’s probably been a very painful experience for you, hasn’t it? Of course it has.
So why do you keep doing it?
Why do you shop for milk at the hardware store?
The reasons you proverbially shop for milk at a hardware store are complex and unique to you but somewhere at the root of it is likely the hope and expectation that a certain someone should be able to fulfill X, Y, and Z of your needs.
