Stop going to the hardware store for milk!

I honestly can’t remember the first time I came across this saying but it’s since turned into one of my very favorite sayings to share with my therapy clients.

“Stop going to the hardware store for milk” essentially means that at a certain point you have to realize that the thing you are trying to get from a particular source simply may not be possible and it would save you a world of frustration if you could only stop going to the wrong source for that thing you really need.

What this can look like in real life:

• Going to your parent again and again for emotional support when you’re deeply hurting and having them disappointingly just not be able to emotionally show up for you;

• Repeatedly expecting your partner to give you specific, spot-on advice about something you’re wrestling with and having them frustratingly not be able to help you in the exact way you hope they will;

• Trying to talk to your sibling about something again and again in the hopes that they might be able to take personal responsibility for their part in the conflict you’re having and yet having them just. not. get. it;

• Turning towards a friend hoping and wishing they could finally, actually get you and be a source of camaraderie and empathy despite their life being a complete opposite of yours.

Whatever the specifics are for you, I’m imagining there have been times and moments when you’ve repeatedly turned towards a loved one for something you’re deeply longing for and, no matter how hard you tried to explain what it is you need or how many times you ask for that thing, they just have not been able to provide it for you, right?

You have, essentially, been going to the hardware store for milk when, quite frankly, that darn hardware store just doesn’t have any milk at all to give you.

And it’s probably been a very painful experience for you, hasn’t it? Of course it has.

So why do you keep doing it?

Why do you shop for milk at the hardware store?

The reasons you proverbially shop for milk at a hardware store are complex and unique to you but somewhere at the root of it is likely the hope and expectation that a certain someone should be able to fulfill X, Y, and Z of your needs.

That “should” — that hope, that expectation — is where the pain and frustration can come from.

Look, of course it makes sense that you would want your parent to provide you with emotional support when you’re hurting, or for your partner to be able to show up for you with the perfect advice you’re craving, or for your sibling to take responsibility and be able to self-reflect in their relationship with you, or for your friend to get you and your life when you turn towards them for support.

All of those needs and wants are totally valid! It’s human nature to turn towards those we are close to for support and comfort when we’re hurting and longing to be seen and understood.

But sometimes the people in our lives truly can’t show up for us in the ways we want and expect them to. Through no fault of their own, they simply may not have the emotional and relational skills to do so. And yet we still shop for milk at the hardware store because it’s hard to see and accept that our loved ones are limited and perhaps just not capable of providing us that thing we dearly need and want.

But when we continue turning towards people who truly can’t give us what we need and want instead of seeking out others who are more capable of giving us the thing we crave, we add hurt and frustration on top of whatever hard or challenging feelings we’re already wrestling with. And that can be so, so painful.

So what can you do about this unsuccessful milk shopping?

The first step is, of course, to bring your awareness to the fact that you have, proverbially, been shopping for milk at the hardware store. Accept that you’ve been turning towards sources who simply can’t give you the thing you want and need.

And then you must grieve. You must grieve the thing you may not be able to receive from the source you believe “should” provide this for you and who you dearly want to provide this for you. You must mourn the limits of your loved ones and feel all the painful, possibly young feelings that come up for you when you realize you may never ever get X, Y, or Z from the very person you imagined and expected would be able to provide this for you.

(And yes, sweetheart, you *do* actually get to grieve this.)

And, at the same time you’re grieving and accepting the things you may never receive from some, you can begin practicing shopping for milk at more reliable sources. You know, like at grocery stores.

You can begin seeking out and cultivating sources who can actually show up for you in the ways you need and want (your grocery store people!). These folks may be other members of your family, they could be friends, they could be part of your spiritual community, it could be your women’s group, it could be your therapist.

Begin noticing who can show up for you in the ways you truly crave in those moments of need, and turn towards THEM. The act of having your needs and wants met by people who can actually show up for you can be deeply reparative and healing.

And, of course, even our grocery store people won’t be able to show up for us all the time in the ways we want, even if they have the capacities and skills to do so. Because, Life.

Life demands a lot of all of us and sometimes our loved ones (not to mention us!) simply don’t have the bandwidth to show up. And yet this – someone’s situational limitation – is different from someone who may not have the emotional or relational capacities to show up at all ever in the ways we want. Discerning between the two is important.

So seek out your grocery store people, know where you can actually get your milk when you want and need milk, and develop multiple sources you can turn to for milk when one store proverbially runs out.

In recognizing who can most likely show up for you in the ways you want and need and cultivating more of these resources in your life, you will greatly increase your odds of getting milk when you want and need it and, in doing so, provide yourself with reparative healing opportunities.

Wrapping up.

Now I’d love to hear from you:

What came up for you in reading this article? Do you sometimes go shopping for milk at the hardware store? Has learning to “shop for milk at the grocery store” been a healing and reparative experience in your own life?”

Leave a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to respond.

If you recognize yourself in what I’ve shared – if you’re that high-achieving woman who looks polished on the outside but feels shaky within – I’d love to support you in building true inner steadiness. Here’s how we can work together:

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Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie