Most of us have heard the term “emotional vampire,” but what does this really mean?

Myth and folklore teach us that vampires were creatures who needed to sustain their own lives by literally sucking or draining the life out of others.

If we were to explore this in a psychotherapeutic context, an “emotional vampire” might, therefore, be a term used to describe someone who emotionally sustains his- or herself through the energy they receive/take from others.

Clinically speaking, “emotional vampires” are those who lack the internalized, developmental ego strength to hold and maintain their own psychological boundaries and who disrespect and cross the psychological boundaries of others.

So what does an “emotional vampire” look like?

While there is no one single profile, it may look like someone who constantly needs admiration or ego-boosting compliments from others in order to feel a strong sense of themselves;

Or it could look like someone who needs to constantly criticize and put down those around them to make themselves feel superior and therefore guard against their own shame;

Maybe it looks like the person who leaves you feeling drained, deflated, or maybe even hurt after spending time with them;

Or it could look like someone who requires constant reassurance to soothe their anxiety because they lack the skills and capacity to do this for themselves;

Further still, this could look like a friend, coworker, or family-member who almost always seems to have a big crisis in her life and has no space for you but expects you to always be there for her and her tumult.

However this looks, this doesn’t necessarily mean that “emotional vampires” are bad people, nor does this mean that they’re even conscious of what they’re doing!

An “emotional vampire”, in my opinion as a psychotherapist, is likely someone who is trying to get a core need of theirs met, but who has maladaptive ways of trying to do this (as so many of us do if we don’t have functional, healthy models of relating while growing up).

And what’s also true is that spending time around an “emotional vampire” can be really tiring and frustrating!

So what can you do if someone in your life feels like an “emotional vampire?”

First and foremost, I encourage you to practice self-awareness while you spend time with people.

Notice how you feel after spending time with people and if you felt like your boundaries were subtly or overtly respected or disrespected by them.

With awareness, you will then have greater choice about what you want to do with any “emotional vampires” who you determine may be in your life.

And then, when it comes to dealing with any “emotional vampires” in your life, your choices are finite and revolve around better setting your own personal boundaries.