And every year since the day has gotten sweeter. My daughter and I get to thank him and celebrate for being such a great dad and wonderful human.
But still, even with so much sweetness on this day now, there’s still some sorrow present, some trigger still lingers.
I’m overjoyed to give my daughter a dad like the one she has. But I still sometimes feel jealous of her because she has something so different. Something so much more infinitely better than I had or will ever have.
Again, I’ve worked my butt off in therapy over the past few decades to give precisely this to her. A functional healthy childhood with stable, loving, devoted parents. And while I’m thrilled and so proud of what I’m able to give her, I still find myself jealous sometimes.
Having worked with hundreds of therapy clients over the last decade, I know that many others (especially those who come from relational trauma backgrounds) feel this way, too. But nearly all of them – all of us – feel like they can’t admit it.
So today’s essay is dedicated to unpacking this “taboo” topic. Feeling jealous of your child. Even while you love them and as you work so hard to give them everything you didn’t have.
Why do I feel jealous of my child?
Well, first, let’s talk about and define what jealousy is.
Jealousy, according to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary is: an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.
That’s what Merriam-Webster has to say. I’ll add that, in my personal and professional opinion, jealousy is a complex emotion. It contains shades of anger, fear, and longing. While it can be quite uncomfortable to experience, is, nonetheless, a nearly universal human emotion.
But despite its universality, jealousy – like so many other feelings labeled as “negative” – has long had a bad reputation.
From being listed as one of the seven deadly sins to pop culture references such as “Green-Eyed Monster,” jealousy’s long been viewed as “bad” and mythology and history have overflowed with examples of evil queens and murderous rivals who did awful things thanks to the seeds of jealousy.
Is it wrong to feel jealous of my child?
No wonder so many of us experience shame and humiliation when we admit to ourselves we’re jealous of what we see others having!
And then, couple this shame of being jealous with the dominant cultural introjects we’ve swallowed about “good parenting” (introjects such as we should never feel anything other than unending, constant, perfect love, devotion, self-sacrifice, and goodwill for our children), it’s no wonder this – being jealous of your child – is a somewhat “taboo” topic and a very under-discussed one at that.
But what might cause us to feel jealousy with our children? The little people we likely love the most in the world.
