The big reckoning.

Many of us seem to have ideas about where and who we would be by certain ages – particularly those watershed ages like 25, 30, 35, and 40.

Prior imagined lives where, perhaps, we were partnered to the person of our dreams, surrounded by loving community, thriving at work, maybe even achieving a level of fame or notoriety, and certainly financially abundant.

We all have our own version of what we thought life was going to look like for us.

A picture in our minds that, when we do arrive at that age and experience a disconnect (be it big or small) from that painted picture, can cause us to feel sad, frustrated, or even resentful of life and ourselves for not taking the path that we believe would have gotten us there.

I’ve come to think of these thoughts of disappointment. And the time we dwell on them almost like a reckoning.

It’s a time where, for many of us, we take stock and often perceive ourselves and our lives lacking.

So what’s to be done?

I don’t think there’s much to “do” when we arrive at this place. But rather we can allow – we allow ourselves to feel whatever comes up for us around this.

Still not married and struggling to even find a relatively functional person on Tinder?

Feel your sorrow and anger about that.

Deep in student loan debt and nowhere near where the experts say you “should” be in terms of saving for retirement because the cost of living is so high in your city?

You’re allowed to feel your fear and frustration about that.

Watching your college friends achieve massive professional success. They’re launching venture-backed companies. Being promoted to partner. Even getting their 2nd or 3rd book published?

You’re allowed to feel disappointment about that.

No matter what, we must allow ourselves to feel the spectrum of emotions we have. Especially when we’re not where we thought we would be at such and such age.

The more we tell ourselves, “It’s wrong to feel this way”, or “It’s petty of me to feel this way,” we layer on more judgment and shame on top of already-painful feeling states.

So please try not to do that. Allow your feelings to be whatever they are.

And if we need to grieve where we are, we do that, too.

It may seem “extreme” to use the word grieve in talking about life disappointments. But I think that as the years progress and we move away from the years of invincible, wide-open options. (Such a common emotional state for teenagers and college-aged somethings.) And as we plod forward into adulthood, we accumulate losses that need to be grieved.