THERAPY

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So how does this whole therapy thing work?

EMOTIONAL REGULATION & NERVOUS SYSTEM • February 23, 2015

One question I receive from clients – maybe above all other questions ­ is this: “So how does this whole therapy thing work?”

There’s no one single “right” way to answer this question, “How does therapy work?” ­Each therapist will have their own answer to it. But, personally as a relational, humanistic therapist, I like to think that therapy is a journey that both client and therapist make together in a quest to help you experience greater wholeness and aliveness. I believe that by entering therapy, you as a client inherently become an emotional pioneer and a soul adventurer of sorts. And I, as the therapist, receive the privilege of accompanying you along the way as a guide and companion.

As we embark on the journey together from the very first consult call to the intake session and beyond ­- we begin a process of deep, curious exploration together, exploring the terrain and topography of your life, of your unique challenges, your dreams, wishes, life narratives, and more.

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Like with any journey, we may set off thinking we know where we want to go.

While that may very well be the destination you end up at along the way, we may also encounter unexpected matters which, when faced and explored in the spirit of curiosity, can sometimes be the greatest gifts of the journey. Together, we hold a mindset of genuine curiosity about everything we encounter — the expected and unexpected alike — and a willingness to return to that exploration week after week.

It’s important to note that, on this journey, I am not the expert of you. As a client, you are the expert of you; as the therapist, I’m the expert in helping you get more in touch with you and, yes, in helping you develop the awareness and tools you may need along the way. But make no mistake­ no one, not I or anyone else­ is as much of an expert on you as you are.

The therapeutic part of therapy happens in the relationship between client and therapist.

I believe this is so because our patterns, beliefs, and conditioning are put down early in relationship and it is only through relationship that these patterns and wounds can be illuminated and then (within the context of a reparative relationship) be healed and transformed, a process which resultingly leads to an increased sense of aliveness and wholeness.

The journey of therapy is absolutely about gaining new awareness and a­ha’s about your life. It’s also about cultivating tools, skills, and new behaviors that you can employ in the therapy room and beyond. But most importantly, I believe, therapy is the chance to develop a profoundly special and unique type of relationship that can help you experience yourself and your life in a different and deeply transformative way, the effects of which may last for the rest of your life.

Therapy isn’t a fix applied to a broken person. It’s a relationship that creates the conditions for you to access more of who you already are. That’s what I’m here for.

Warmly,

Annie

 

Frequently Asked Questions

This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: How Therapy Actually Works: A Complete Guide.

You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.

References

• Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2018). Psychotherapy relationships that work III. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 303-315.
• Horvath, A. O., Del Re, A. C., Flückiger, C., & Symonds, D. (2011). Alliance in individual psychotherapy. Psychotherapy, 48(1), 9-16.
• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect regulation and the repair of the self. Norton & Company.
• Mitchell, S. A., & Aron, L. (1999). Relational psychoanalysis: The emergence of a tradition. The Analytic Press.
• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.
• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.
• Aron, L. (1996). A meeting of minds: Mutuality in psychoanalysis. The Analytic Press.
• Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The great psychotherapy debate: The evidence for what makes psychotherapy work. Routledge.
• Leichsenring, F., & Rabung, S. (2008). Effectiveness of long-term psychodynamic psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. JAMA, 300(13), 1551-1565.

Both/And: Progress and Pain Can Share the Same Timeline

Driven women often approach healing the way they approach everything else: with goals, timelines, and measurable benchmarks. They want to know how long therapy will take, what “done” looks like, and whether they’re doing it right. I understand the impulse — it’s the same competence that built their careers. But healing from relational trauma doesn’t follow a project management timeline, and treating it like one can become its own form of avoidance. (PMID: 36340842)

Jordan is a corporate attorney who, after eight months of therapy, told me she was frustrated with her progress. “I still got triggered last week,” she said, as though a single difficult moment erased months of genuine change. What Jordan hadn’t noticed — because she was measuring against perfection — was that the trigger resolved in hours instead of days, that she reached out for support instead of isolating, and that she could name what happened in her body instead of just pushing through.

Both/And means Jordan can be making real, measurable progress and still have moments where the old patterns surface. It means healing isn’t a straight line, and a setback doesn’t erase the foundation she’s built. For driven women, this is perhaps the most radical reframe: that effectiveness in recovery isn’t about eliminating hard days. It’s about changing your relationship to them when they come.

The Systemic Lens: The Cultural Expectations That Slow Healing

When we tell driven women to “get help” for their trauma, we often fail to acknowledge what getting help actually requires: financial resources for quality therapy, schedule flexibility for consistent appointments, a workplace culture that doesn’t penalize prioritizing mental health, and a social environment where vulnerability is safe. These aren’t universally available. For many women, they aren’t available at all.

Even driven women with financial means face systemic obstacles. The pressure to be constantly productive means therapy often gets scheduled in margins that don’t allow for the emotional processing the work requires. The cultural expectation that women should “handle things” quietly means many driven women hide their therapeutic work from colleagues, friends, even partners — adding the burden of secrecy to the already demanding work of healing. The medicalization of trauma into neat diagnostic categories often fails to capture the complexity of what relational trauma actually looks like in an accomplished life.

In my work, I try to hold the systemic reality alongside the individual journey. You are doing courageous, difficult work. And the world around you was not built to support that work. Both things matter. Understanding the structural constraints isn’t an excuse to stop — it’s a reason to be more compassionate with yourself about the pace, and more outraged at a system that makes healing harder than it has to be.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

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