TL;DR –Resilience tools differ from coping skills in that they're not for managing immediate emotional overwhelm, but rather for building long-term capacity to navigate setbacks and adapt to challenges. While coping tools help you manage Big Feelings in the moment, resilience tools are what you cultivate over time to bounce back from adversity and potentially reduce your need for crisis management altogether. Research shows that practices like gradual fear exposure, seeking social support, cognitive flexibility, finding meaning, and fostering realistic optimism actually expand your nervous system's capacity to handle stress—like building emotional muscle mass through consistent training.
For those with relational trauma backgrounds, developing these resilience tools becomes especially important because early experiences may have limited your natural resilience-building opportunities. Through practices like imitating resilient role models, leaning on support networks (not just having them), and finding purpose in your experiences, you're essentially rewiring your brain's response to challenges. The broaden-and-build theory confirms that positive coping strategies don't just help you survive difficult moments—they actually expand your range of potential responses to future stressors, creating an upward spiral of emotional strength and adaptability.
“Resilience is more than bouncing back. It’s being able to adapt in the face of adversity and come through it stronger and more engaged than ever.” – Brené Brown, Ph.D.
In this last piece in our five-part series (here are parts 1, 2, 3, and 4) on the fundamental tools that should be in our self-care tool chests when we come from relational trauma backgrounds, we explore our final, possibly juiciest topic: resilience tools.
What do resilience tools even mean?
Think of it this way: coping tools are what we use in the moment when we feel a sudden surge of Big Feelings.
Resilience tools, on the other hand, are what we utilize over a longer period when we encounter setbacks that trigger difficult emotions and cause us to feel demoralized.
These emotions may not overwhelm us, but they still require processing to help us recover, adapt, and navigate through challenging times.
In essence, resilience tools involve strategies and practices that enable us to bounce back from adversity, adjust when faced with changes, and attempt to thrive despite difficulties.
These tools contribute to a “growth mindset,” distinguishing them from the basics of biopsychosocial health, emotional regulation techniques, and immediate coping skills.
Resilience tools, as you can see, also play a very important role in our mental health which is why I think they take up a whole drawer in four proverbial self-care tool chest.
Why are resilience tools important for our mental health?
Resilience tools help us build emotional strength by encouraging positive thinking patterns and fostering a sense of control and agency over our lives.
Think of it like training in the gym to develop more stamina and pack on muscle mass to gain strength.
By regularly practicing these tools, we can grow our capacities to better manage stress, reduce anxiety, and improve our ability to handle life’s challenges.
All of this may mean we rely on those coping skills less and less.
What’s the science behind this (versus just my creative gym analogy)?
The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions suggests that positive emotions enhance resilience by expanding the range of potential coping strategies, which can protect against stress and reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms.
Research has found that using positive coping strategies, such as thinking positively and seeking help, can reduce anxiety, depression, and aggression by building resilience.
Curious if you come from a relational trauma background?
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START THE QUIZSo you can see, resilience tools deserve their own drawer in the proverbial self-care tool chest because a full and rich drawer of these expands on our capacity to tolerate life’s stressors and can help reduce how many coping tools we need to use when we’re in distress and outside of our window of tolerance.
6 resilience building tools.
If you’re sold on the value of cultivating a wide set of resilience tools in your self-care tool chest, here are six wonderful resilience building tools with examples to illustrate each:
Facing your fear:
Practicing gradual exposure (not overwhelming exposure) to feared situations helps build resilience by reducing anxiety and increasing confidence. This technique is commonly used in cognitive-behavioral therapy to help individuals face and manage their fears. It’s what I always think of when my favorite Peloton instructor, Robin Arzón, says in her classes: “Confidence is a side effect of hustle.”
Imitating resilient role models:
And speaking of Robin Arzón, another one of my favorite resilience-building tools entails observing and adopting the behaviors of resilient role models that you know of in real life or from afar. This can help inspire you to develop similar resilience skills (indeed, this premise is at the heart of EMDR figure resourcing).
Seeking social support:
Building a strong support network and then LEANING ON THEM is crucial for resilience. This goes without saying but doing so can provide emotional support and practical assistance during tough times but also, I’ve found personally and professionally, it helps reinforce the belief that we’re loved and loveable, and allows us to being to internalize the voices of our loved ones (and/or therapist) so that we can internally resource using what we imagine they may say in future hard times.
Increasing cognitive and emotional flexibility:
Cognitive-behavioral techniques, such as cognitive restructuring – a technique that involves identifying and changing ineffective thinking patterns to be more effective – helps us increase our flexibility in responding to stress.
Finding meaning and purpose:
Esoteric though this may seem, research shows us a sense of purpose can help us reframe stressful situations and recover emotionally from negative experiences more effectively. And studies also show that having a strong sense of purpose has been linked to improved physical and mental health outcomes, such as lower mortality rates and reduced incidence of chronic illnesses. This indicates that purpose-driven activities enhance overall resilience. Now, full disclosure, I feel truly lucky to feel like this work is my life’s work and gives me a ton of meaning and purpose from it. But I know finding meaning and purpose isn’t that easy for everyone. It can take a long time. Still, though, I think it’s possible.
Fostering optimism:
Practicing positive affirmations and maintaining a realistic yet positive outlook can significantly boost resilience. Techniques that promote optimism have been linked to better stress management, mental health outcomes, and academic performance. This alone is why I’m a sucker for positive affirmation – I have them programmed into a widget on my phone, I have them as stand alone sentences printed out all over the vision board behind my desk, and I literally say my optimistic affirmations every morning after I complete my morning pages. It’s a little extra, I know. But it’s one of my top resilience tools.
Building Resilience Through Professional Support
While resilience tools offer powerful ways to strengthen your emotional capacity, many people with relational trauma find that working with a therapist accelerates this process significantly.
A skilled trauma therapist doesn’t just teach you resilience strategies—they create a consistent, safe relational experience where your nervous system can practice regulation and connection simultaneously.
In therapy, you’re not only learning about facing fears or cognitive flexibility; you’re experiencing what it feels like to be supported through challenges without judgment or abandonment. This corrective relational experience becomes its own resilience tool, as you internalize your therapist’s steady presence and begin to develop what attachment researchers call a “secure base” from which to explore difficult emotions.
If you’re considering this path, understanding 10 important things to know when considering therapy can help you navigate the process of finding the right therapeutic relationship. The combination of professional support and daily resilience practices creates a synergistic effect—each amplifying the other’s impact on your healing journey.
Wrapping up.
Okay, so we’ve gone over six wonderful resilience building tools.
Now I’d love to hear from you:
Which of these tools resonated with you the most? Which seems like the most fun (or the easiest) to begin implementing? Or, if you have a tried and true resilience tool that I didn’t list here, what is it?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Finally, as you contemplate beginning relational trauma therapy to recover from your own trauma symptoms, I would strongly encourage you to work with a licensed mental health professional who is also trained in an evidence-based trauma modality (like EMDR).
If you recognize yourself in what I’ve shared – if you’re that high-achieving woman who looks polished on the outside but feels shaky within – I’d love to support you in building true inner steadiness. Here’s how we can work together:
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
References
- Gloria, C. T., & Steinhardt, M. A. (2016). Relationships among positive emotions, coping, resilience, and mental health. Stress and Health, 32(2), 145-153. https://consensus.app/papers/relationships-among-emotions-coping-resilience-mental-gloria/5a45b34fe08b53219a9c02e18b7f4885/
- Ng, R., Ang, R. P., & Ho, M. R. (2012). Coping with anxiety, depression, anger, and aggression: The mediational role of resilience in adolescents. Journal of Adolescence, 35(5), 1369-1379. https://consensus.app/papers/coping-anxiety-depression-anger-aggression-mediational-ng/c33d96c5fb915e5999659de9451ec800/
- Connor, K. M., & Davidson, J. R. T. (2003). Development of a new resilience scale: The Connor-Davidson Resilience Scale (CD-RISC). Depression and Anxiety, 18(2), 76-82. https://consensus.app/papers/development-resilience-scale-connor%E2%80%90davidson-connor/60a8971352ef50b1946ab8ae91541f20/
- Milne, D. N., & Callan, V. J. (2018). Seeking social support: A study of observational and instrumental support in online health communities. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 21(8), 511-517. https://consensus.app/papers/seeking-social-support-observational-instrumental-milne/4545a5a1e5bd52958c367ade4f85f513/
- Min, J. A., Yu, J. J., Lee, C. U., & Chae, J. H. (2013). Cognitive emotion regulation strategies contributing to resilience in patients with depression and/or anxiety disorders. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 54(8), 1190-1197. https://consensus.app/papers/emotion-regulation-strategies-contributing-resilience-min/8f1571ea8ce9577c8b078676bb642331/
- Schaefer, S. M., Morozink Boylan, J., van Reekum, C. M., Lapate, R. C., Norris, C. J., Ryff, C. D., & Davidson, R. J. (2013). Purpose in life predicts better emotional recovery from negative stimuli. PLOS ONE, 8(11), e80329. https://consensus.app/papers/purpose-life-predicts-better-emotional-recovery-negative-schaefer/87df4b916d9a552788fa9cab57c50548/
- Molinero, O., Salguero, A., Tuero, C., Alvarez, E., & Márquez, S. (2011). Optimism and resilience among university students. Psychological Reports, 109(2), 427-436. https://consensus.app/papers/optimism-resilience-among-students-molinero/abaffa272f9655be82bda5a4c42e73cb/
