Me: Because almost all of us from dysfunctional FOO’s overestimate our capacities when we’re apart from them and forget how draining and taxing it *actually* is to be around them…
Her: Omg. You’re so brilliant. This should be the subject of your next email. Things to remember as you’re preparing to see your family for the first time post-COVID.
And so here we are.
Now, to be clear, while my best friend called me brilliant, I think she’s actually one of the smartest women I know.
And yet, even with all her brilliance, she – like so many of us – was still prone to what I call the “FOO amnesia” (family-of-origin amnesia) that tends to happen when we travel “home” to see them after long periods of time.
If you relate even a little bit to this experience – overestimating your abilities and capacities when you see your family-of-origin – scroll down to learn how to take care of yourself if a visit with them is in the cards anytime soon.
Family-Of-Origin Amnesia
Family-of-origin amnesia is not, in any way shape, or form, a real clinical term.
It’s my own somewhat cheeky phrase that I’ve used over the years to describe my experience and that of my clients and friends when we fall into any of the following mental and emotional sandtraps:
- “I’m sure I’ll be fine and perfectly capable of doing everything I’d normally do in my normal, everyday life when I visit my family over the holidays.”
- “I’m sure this time will be different.”
- “I’ve done so much work in therapy this past year; I doubt I’ll get as triggered as I have in the past.”
- “They’ve tried to be nice-ish lately. Maybe I should change my habits and actually stay at their house this time, it’d help me save money.”
- “It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them. COVID has changed us all. I’m sure things will be fine this time!”
You get my drift.
Family-of-origin amnesia is anything that overestimates our mental, emotional, and physical capacities and anything also that takes on an air of magical (unrealistic) thinking about ourselves and them based on limited, false, or non-existent data points.
Please hear me out: No matter how “smart” you are, no matter how much therapy you’ve done, it’s normal and natural to have family-of-origin amnesia.
On the one hand, it signals hopefulness and optimism that we would assume so much of ourselves and them.
After all, it’s human nature to crave strong, close connections to the people who raised us.
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