RELATIONSHIPS
Why Your Relationship Is Probably Like The Stock Market.
One thing I’ve learned as a therapist (and as a human) about being in a long-term romantic relationship is this: there will be points, possibly many points, where you want to quit it. SUMMARY Relationships — like markets — are rarely stable in a straight upward line.
One thing I’ve learned as a therapist (and as a human) about being in a long-term romantic relationship is this: there will be points, possibly many points, where you want to quit it.
SUMMARY
Relationships — like markets — are rarely stable in a straight upward line. They fluctuate, correct, crash occasionally, and recover. The problem is that many people, especially those with anxious attachment or relational trauma, interpret normal relational fluctuations as evidence the whole thing is failing. This post explains why that’s a nervous system response, not an accurate read on your relationship.
Maybe it’s because you can’t stand your wife’s loud breathing for one more moment, or the breakdown in communication with your boyfriend feels insurmountable, or it’s been six months since you had sex with your partner since becoming new parents.
You may be fantasizing about breaking up, divorcing, getting on Tinder. Finding someone better, smarter, more sexuality compatible, or just generally less annoying. You may think your relationship is dead and it’s not going to get any better.
Why are relational ruptures and hard moments in relationships so painful?
RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Definition
Attachment Cycles in Relationships: Attachment theory explains how early relational bonds with caregivers shape our adult patterns of intimacy, trust, and partnership. In romantic relationships, unconscious attachment patterns can create cycles of pursuit, withdrawal, and disconnection — patterns that, once named, become available for change.
And you are so not alone in feeling like you want to quit your relationship. This is SUCH a common feeling!
But there are a few tools and one metaphor I like to share with my therapy clients when they feel like this. Tools and a metaphor that, when considered, could help reduce your despair about the state of your relationship and, dare I say? even make you feel a little more hopeful.
“Someone once told me a story about long-term relationships. To think of them as a continent to explore. I could spend a lifetime backpacking through Africa, and I would still never know all there is to know about that continent. To stay the course, to stay intentional, to stay curious and connected – that’s the heart of it. But it’s so easy to lose track of the trail, to get tired, to want to give up, or to want a new adventure. It can be so easy to lose sight of the goodness and mystery within the person sitting right in front of you.” – Joy Williams
Why is your relationship actually a lot like the stock market?
“We are most alive when we find the courage to be vulnerable and to connect.”— Brené Brown, PhD, LCSW, The Gifts of Imperfection
BRENÉ BROWN
Your relationship is probably a lot like the stock market.
Specifically, your relationship is probably filled with high highs and low lows which, as we all know, is par for the course with investing in the stock market.
But there’s a really big difference between taking a snapshot of the stock market on any given day versus looking at the overall trends over time.
On any given day you could feel total despair and want to get out as you see your stocks plummeting, potentially costing you thousands. Or you could feel like a rock star as you watch your investments get bullish and contemplate buying even more.
But neither of these scenarios would be an accurate portrayal of your portfolio’s overall performance nor indicative of a likely long-term reality for you.
Why?
Because when we step back and observe and analyze 100 years of data from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, we see that, while wild ebbs and flows are inevitable, the stock market has steadily risen and gone up over time.
How does the stock market metaphor actually apply to your relationship?
TAKE THE QUIZ
What’s driving your relational patterns?
A 3-minute assessment to identify the core wound beneath your relationship struggles.
Well, if you take a snapshot on any given day, it’s probably not going to be a very realistic indicator of your overall relationship health either.
“We all have restlessness in long-term relationships.” – Helen Fisher, Ph.D.
If you take the snapshot on a day when you’re at each others’ throats, scrambling to get to work after discovering your engine won’t turn over and the dishwasher has flooded the kitchen, this isn’t likely to be representative.
Conversely, if you take the snapshot while you’re both on vacation, carefree and unencumbered and feeling blissfully back in love over margaritas, that’s probably not the most representative scenario either.
However, if you step back and look at the arc of history between you two, accounting for those daily/weekly/monthly highs and lows, would you see an overall upward growth trend, too?
For a lot of us, probably.
But it can be really, really hard to remember this when you’re in a big dip, a market crash, your own proverbial 2008 relationship meltdown if you will.
So what’s there to do then?
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Epicurus
What four tools can help you survive the low points in your relationship?
A Reason to Keep Going
25 pages of what I actually say to clients when they are in the dark. Somatic tools, cognitive anchors, and 40 grounded, honest reasons to stay. No platitudes.
