The Psychological Benefit Of Re-Integrating The Disowned Parts Of Ourselves.
The Psychological Benefit Of Re-Integrating The Disowned Parts Of Ourselves.
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • October 31, 2021
SUMMARY
You likely disowned parts of yourself in childhood—your anger, neediness, or intensity—that your family couldn’t hold, leaving you feeling fractured and unsafe in your own skin. Re-integrating these disowned parts through shadow work means bringing what you’ve suppressed into conscious awareness, which reduces self-sabotage and moves you toward a more authentic, whole self. Using Halloween as a metaphor, you can safely explore and give voice to these hidden parts of yourself, allowing creativity and spontaneity to reclaim space in your life beyond the holiday. You likely disowned parts of yourself in childhood that were too much or not accepted by your family. Re-integrating these parts is essential for healing relational trauma and achieving psychological freedom.
Parts work is a therapeutic way of recognizing and making peace with the different sides of yourself—especially those you’ve disowned, like the angry, needy, or vulnerable parts you learned to hide as a child. It’s not about fixing or getting rid of these parts, nor is it an invitation to indulge every impulse without boundaries. Instead, it’s about noticing these parts with curiosity and compassion, so you can bring them back into your sense of self and feel more whole. For you, parts work matters because it unlocks the possibility that what you pushed away isn’t broken—it’s a part of you that deserves to be heard, understood, and safely held. This process is a cornerstone of healing the relational wounds that still whisper beneath your success and composure.
You likely disowned parts of yourself in childhood—your anger, neediness, or intensity—that your family couldn’t hold, leaving you feeling fractured and unsafe in your own skin.
Re-integrating these disowned parts through shadow work means bringing what you’ve suppressed into conscious awareness, which reduces self-sabotage and moves you toward a more authentic, whole self.
Using Halloween as a metaphor, you can safely explore and give voice to these hidden parts of yourself, allowing creativity and spontaneity to reclaim space in your life beyond the holiday.
Today is Halloween – one of my very favorite holidays.
SUMMARY
Re-integrating the parts of yourself you had to disown in childhood — the parts that were too needy, too angry, too much, or simply not what your family needed — is among the most psychologically freeing work in relationaltrauma recovery. What you pushed away is not a flaw; it’s part of you that deserved a different response.
I’ve always loved Halloween – as a kid and teen, it was fun to dress up and certainly to collect a pillowcase full of KitKats.
Then as a young adult, Halloween parties with costumed friends were always a highlight.
Now as a parent of a toddler, there’s nothing more fun than seeing my kid ridiculously excited because she gets to be a panda for an evening (plus I love seeing my friends’ children in their super sweet costumes all over Instagram).
And since becoming a therapist, I’ve always appreciated Halloween for the way it allows for something I think that’s so important to relational trauma recovery – parts work: letting ourselves try on different “parts” for a night.
What does it mean to have disowned parts of yourself?
DEFINITIONRELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Definition
Shadow Work & Disowned Parts: Shadow work, a concept from Jungian psychology, is the process of integrating the disowned, suppressed, or exiled parts of the self — traits, feelings, or desires deemed unacceptable — back into conscious awareness. This integration is central to wholeness and to reducing unconscious self-sabotage.
Halloween is a very distinct and discrete time of the year when it’s “socially acceptable” for us to bring out one of the many “parts” inside of us by stepping into a costume, a guise, another persona.
Halloween is a time when we’re “allowed” to step into a character that’s probably unlike anything we typically embody in the other 364 days of our year – the witch, the superhero, the seductress, the destructive and evil “bad guy.”
No matter how elaborately or what you dress up as, Halloween allows us an appropriate and safe outlet for creativity, self-expression, and spontaneity — psychologically healthy impulses.
It also allows us to give space and voice to aspects of ourselves that perhaps don’t get a chance to be conscious in other realms of our lives.
Which, in essence, is akin to the therapy tool of “parts work” – an integral part of relational trauma recovery work.
If you’re curious about parts work and what the psychological benefit is when we get to know and then re-integrate disowned and disavowed parts of ourselves again, please read on.
What is Parts Work?
Parts Work – specifically getting to know the disowned and disavowed parts of us and then actively working to reclaim and integrate them into our conscious adult lives – is a critical skill we build in relational trauma recovery work.
But what exactly is Parts Work?
Parts Work is a way of thinking that has roots and genesis in many schools of thought: Gestalt Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Voice Dialogue, and even Jungian Archetypal work.
While each school of thought has its own methodology, Parts Work, as I define it and use it in my therapy room and in my online courses, is a therapeutic lens that assumes that each of us has many different parts to our minds and psyches.
Each of these parts (or subpersonalities) has unique needs, wants, and beliefs and may be conscious or unconsciously playing out helping or harming us as we move through our days encountering different situations, triggers, and scenarios.
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By bringing our awareness to these many different parts within us – giving each part a voice, learning what each part needs, wants, and fears and understanding when, how and why each part gets triggered – we are then more able to lovingly integrate (not eliminate!) the many aspects within us to create more choice, expand our capacity to creatively problem solve, and to give us a greater sense of wholeness and aliveness in our daily lives.
What is an example of a disowned and disavowed part of yourself?
Examples of disowned and disavowed parts are as multitudinous as there are people on the planet.
But here are a few examples to illustrate what this might subjectively look like for some people:
As an example, let’s imagine a young woman.
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Who put aside the soulful spiritual part of her that believes in earth-based spirituality, intuition, and psychic abilities because, growing up, she didn’t live in a family system where it was psychologically and emotionally safe enough to own that part, for her family to see that those topics were important to her. Instead, this girl learned it was psychologically and emotionally safer to be smart and accomplished, so she poured all of her energy and time into academics to belong, to fit in, and to keep herself safe, disowning those soul-centered desires of hers and relegating those interests to “childish fantasies.” She disavowed the spiritual, soulful, intuitive, and mystical side of her.
As another example, let’s imagine a young boy.
Who loved musicals and theatre and the color purple but who was teased by peers and his family for being “effeminate” for liking those things, and so this young boy, learning it wasn’t “safe” to allow himself to love what he loved, compensated by throwing through himself into sports (a pursuit acceptable to his family and peers), though sports and competition didn’t feed his soul. He disavowed the creative, performative, entertainer side of him.
And finally, let’s imagine a woman.
Who grew up steeped in the Purity Culture of evangelical Christianity and didn’t allow herself to experiment with her sexuality and partner preferences as she came of age as a teen because it would have been “wrong to do so.” Let’s imagine that this young woman, fearing retribution from her family and church community instead “did what she was supposed to do” and married young in a “socially acceptable” heteronormative construct, and didn’t have sex before marriage. She disavowed the sexually fluid, sexually curious, sexually dynamic part of herself.
Again, these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. There are a million other ways that we grow up in our families, communities, and this culture and come to disown and disavow parts of ourselves.
How do you identify and re-integrate the disowned parts of yourself?
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Again, when we can identify and “reclaim” the lost, disowned or disavowed parts of us, it can create more vitality and enlivenment in our days. This is a key skill that we want to build in relational trauma recovery work to help create the most beautiful adulthood for ourselves despite adverse early beginnings.
So how do we actually re-claim and re-integrate those parts of ourselves?
First, we get curious about what we know – even a little bit – that we may have disowned in ourselves. To do this, consider:
What do I have strong, knee-jerk reactions to? What engenders really strong reactions in me?
For instance, when you see a post on Instagram of your friend who is self-employed and working from her laptop in Greece, do you feel flashes of anger and think, “She’s probably going to be penniless and you can’t start a family living a nomadic life.” In this example, such strong reactions might be a clue that this – living abroad and creatively – is the very thing you hunger for but don’t let yourself own and embrace about yourself. Do you have a nomadic, international traveler part of you that’s been disowned?
Ask yourself: what do you loathe or dislike in others?
For example, do you look at your significant other/spouse and have contempt for what you perceive as a weakness when they show it? In this case, for example, projection – taking the qualities you find unacceptable in yourself and attributing it to others – might be at play and might provide clues for you about what you yourself have disowned. Do you have a young, less capable, more needy part of you that you feel contempt and anger for?
What do you hunger for and find yourself drawn to but won’t really let yourself have?
For example, do you find yourself forcing yourself to browse in the “business building” and “personal growth” section of the bookstore versus the “romance or poetry sections” because you think all reading and leisure time should be productive and meaningful? Do you have a part of you that’s starved for ease, nourishment and plain old fun?
What did you love and enjoy at ages 6, 8, 10, and 12-years old?
Be curious: what did you get lost in at those ages? What did you long to be and do at those developmental stages? Your past hungers may have present clues about what parts of you have been disowned or disavowed.
Next, after getting more clear about what parts of us may have been disowned, disavowed, or relegated to minor roles in our life, we then make gentle and consistent movements back towards those parts.
For example, this might look like:
Admitting to yourself that you yourself deeply wish you could live a more global and less tethered life. Setting your desktop wallpaper as scenes Greek islands, looking up how many Chase Ultimate rewards points you have and playing around to see if you could even get a flight to Greece, googling an article about what it would be like to have a location-independent business or side hustle, downloading podcasts of folks who live nomadic lives while raising small children.
After seeing more clearly that the perceived weakness you see in your spouse enrages you, allowing yourself to be vulnerable the next time you truly feel that way. Maybe that looks like admitting you’re overwhelmed and struggling. Maybe that looks like seeking out a therapist. Maybe that looks like letting yourself cry when you next really want to cry.
With more awareness of how you’re forcing yourself to “always be productive” perhaps you will order a copy of the poetry compendium you feel authentically drawn to. And keep it on your bedside table (along with the time management book you feel you “must” read, too). Maybe this looks like you using your next Audible credit on a historical romance. And actually letting yourself listen to that the next time you’re driving to pick up your kids from school. Versus catching up on work Voxers.
Or, after identifying that building was always your favorite theme of play between the ages of 6-12 (building with legos, building make-believe worlds in the kitchen pantry. With cans and bottles. Building and making your Barbies dresses. Maybe you purchase a set of Magnatiles for yourself to play and fiddle with. Maybe you take up a hobby that channels that core theme of building. Such as home renovations. You take slow, gentle, deliberate action.
Reclaiming Your Wholeness Through Parts Work Therapy
When you tell your therapist about the contempt you feel watching your partner cry, or how you force yourself to read business books when poetry calls to your soul, you’re revealing the profound ways trauma taught you to exile parts of yourself—but therapy helps you understand that strong reactions and disowned aspects of self have so much to teach us about reclaiming our wholeness.
Your trauma-informed therapist recognizes that the spiritual girl who became hyper-academic, the creative boy who chose sports, the curious woman who suppressed her sexuality—all made brilliant adaptations to survive family systems where certain parts weren’t safe. Through Internal Family Systems, Voice Dialogue, or Gestalt approaches, you begin meeting these exiled parts with curiosity rather than judgment.
The therapeutic work involves identifying what triggers disproportionate reactions—that rage at “weakness” pointing to your own disavowed vulnerability, that hunger for adventure you mock in others revealing your caged wanderlust. Your therapist helps you take small steps toward these parts: buying watercolors without painting, researching Greece without booking flights, letting yourself cry without calling it weakness.
Through this gentle reintegration, you discover that parts work isn’t about eliminating aspects of yourself but creating internal democracy where all parts have voice and value. Each movement toward an exiled part—choosing poetry over productivity, admitting overwhelm, honoring childhood delights—expands your capacity for vitality.
Most powerfully, parts work therapy teaches that wholeness doesn’t mean perfection but integration. Like Halloween’s permission to embody the witch or superhero for a night, therapy gives ongoing permission to reclaim every exiled aspect, building the complete, vibrant adulthood that trauma tried to prevent.
Wrapping up.
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. About what it may mean to get curious about what parts you’ve disowned and disavowed in yourself. And how you might begin to make movements to re-integrating and reclaim these parts of yourself back into your life.
And again, the end goal is to create the most beautiful adulthood possible for ourselves after adverse early beginnings.
Do this work to recognize and reclaim those disowned and disavowed parts. Pay attention to how much more (if at all) vital and enlivened you feel as you do this.
And keep moving towards what makes you feel vital and enlivened, again and again.
Now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What’s one way that you got in touch with and reclaimed a disowned part of yourself? What has the impact been since you re-integrated this part of yourself back into your life?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a comment below. Our community of 20,000+ blog readers can benefit from your wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
Further reading if you’re curious about parts work and reclaiming parts of yourself:
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Again, these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. There are a million other ways that we grow up in our families, communities, and this culture and come to disown and disavow parts of ourselves.
I’m successful in my career, but I often feel like something is missing or my relationships struggle. Could this be related to disowning parts of myself?
Absolutely. When we disown parts of ourselves, often due to past hurts or societal pressures, it can create an internal conflict that impacts all areas of life. This internal division can manifest as a persistent feeling of emptiness, difficulty forming genuine connections, or a sense of being a fraud, even amidst external achievements.
What does it actually mean to ‘re-integrate the disowned parts of myself,’ and how do I even begin this process?
Re-integrating means acknowledging, understanding, and compassionately bringing back into your conscious awareness those aspects of yourself you’ve pushed away. You can start by gently exploring feelings or behaviors you judge harshly, perhaps through journaling, mindfulness, or working with a therapist to create a safe space for this inner exploration.
I feel like I have to be perfect all the time, and any mistake makes me feel like a failure. Is this a ‘disowned part’ showing up?
Yes, this intense pressure for perfection often stems from disowned parts, perhaps a younger self who learned that only perfection was acceptable or safe. This part might be trying to protect you from perceived threats, but its methods can be exhausting and self-critical. Recognizing this protective intent is a key first step.
How can I tell which parts of myself I’ve disowned, especially if I’ve been trying to ‘fix’ myself for so long?
Often, the parts you’ve disowned are those you feel shame, anger, or deep discomfort about, or aspects you actively try to hide from others. Pay attention to strong emotional reactions, recurring patterns, or areas where you feel stuck, as these can be clues to unacknowledged parts seeking integration.
I’m afraid that if I acknowledge these ‘disowned parts,’ I’ll become someone I don’t like or lose control. Is that a valid fear?
It’s a very common and understandable fear. However, re-integration isn’t about becoming ‘bad’ or losing control; it’s about wholeness and self-compassion. By bringing awareness to these parts, you gain the power to understand and guide them, rather than being unconsciously driven by them, leading to greater inner peace and authenticity.
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
The following statistics provide important context for understanding this topic:
Emerging evidence from IFS (Internal Family Systems) pilot studies shows significant reductions in depression across multiple randomized controlled trials — parts work is gaining clinical recognition as an effective therapeutic modality. (IFS Institute Research Summary, 2024)
Childhood abuse and neglect are directly associated with impaired emotion regulation abilities that persist and worsen through adolescence — disowning emotional parts is a survival adaptation with measurable developmental consequences. (Emotion, Washington D.C., 2025)
63.9% of U.S. adults report at least one ACE — most of these experiences require children to disown authentic parts of themselves to survive, making integration work essential for adult healing. (CDC BRFSS Survey, 2023)
Parts work is a therapeutic approach recognizing we all have multiple subpersonalities or "parts" with different needs, wants, and fears. Through approaches like Internal Family Systems or Voice Dialogue, therapy helps identify, understand, and integrate these parts—especially those disowned in childhood—to create more wholeness and choice in adult life.
Look for strong knee-jerk reactions to others (contempt often signals projection), what you're drawn to but won't let yourself have (craving poetry but forcing business books), and what delighted you in childhood before you learned it wasn't "safe" to love those things.
Children instinctively know what's psychologically and emotionally safe in their family systems. If being spiritual, creative, or sexually curious threatened belonging or triggered criticism, we learned to hide those parts, pouring energy into "acceptable" traits like achievement or compliance to stay safe.
Absolutely. Start with gentle movements—if you disowned creativity, buy art supplies without pressure to use them. If you suppressed wanderlust, research travel destinations. Small, consistent steps toward exiled parts gradually reintegrate them into conscious life.
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