EXECUTIVE COACHING
Overwhelm: The Three-Ingredient Cure.
If you’re reading this, your nervous system already knows what overwhelm feels like. This post walks you through the three-part approach I use with clients — and myself — when the demands of life genuinely exceed what you have left to give.
Overwhelm.
SUMMARY
Definition: Overwhelm (Nervous System Perspective)
I’ve yet to meet a person in my therapy practice (or in any other sphere of my life), who didn’t struggle with the modern malady of overwhelm in some way.
Much has been written about the seemingly impossible standards and relentlessly full plates most of us have across all areas of our lives — and I probably don’t need to tell you how much stress, anxiety, and depression it causes when we judge ourselves constantly falling short of “expectations” and the side effects or overscheduling Every. Minute. of our day.
But what’s there to do about it?
What’s to be done when you find yourself in a full-fledged meltdown because you’re JUST TOO OVERWHELMED and you have no idea how to make things feel more manageable in your day-to-day?
It’s a tough place to be in, so in today’s post I want to walk you through a three-ingredient “cure” I often use with my therapy and coaching clients (not to mention with myself) when life gets to be overwhelming.
Read on and see if this recipe for overwhelm “cure” can be applied anywhere in your own life….
Discernment.
THERAPY
Psychotherapy is a collaborative process between a trained clinician and a client aimed at understanding and transforming the patterns of thought, emotion, and behavior that cause suffering. Effective therapy provides not just insight but a corrective relational experience, a new template for what it feels like to be truly seen, heard, and held.
Definition
Overwhelm: Overwhelm is a state in which the nervous system becomes flooded — when the demands placed on us exceed our current capacity to cope. It is not a character flaw or weakness; it is a physiological response that signals a need for regulation, support, or a recalibration of expectations.
So what exactly *is* overwhelm and how do you know when you’re in it and what you need?
Overwhelm, according to Webster’s Dictionary can be defined as:
“: to affect (someone) very strongly
: cause (someone) to have too many things to deal with
: to defeat (someone or something) completely”
Sound familiar?
Strongly affected, too many things to deal with, feeling defeated? Yep.
That’s overwhelm in a nutshell.
“The only way out is through.”
ROBERT FROST
And I think that by understanding the literal definition of overwhelm we can use the definition to recognize when and where in our lives we’re experiencing it. For instance:
- Where are you feeling defeated in your life right now?
- In what area(s) do you simply have too much to deal with?
- Which life areas feel particularly emotional or challenging? Where are you strongly affected?
Also, I invite my clients to pay attention to their fantasies, day-time reveries and mind-wanderings that can often alert them not only to overwhelm but also clue them into the life areas that they might most need to tend to and what they most need and want.
For instance, are they daydreaming about ending up in the hospital so that they can actually get taken care of?
Daydreaming about running away to a cottage in the Scottish Highlands to get some space?
Fantasizing about deleting their social media profiles so they can feel a little less exposed?
Each of these reveries (a state in which you are thinking about pleasant things) contains important clues about what you might most need. So let me ask you:
- In times of overwhelm and overcommitment, what do you fantasize about?
- What’s at the essence of that fantasy? (hint: rest, space, support, connection, and security are usually at the core for most of us.)
- What would it look like to start to address the essence of that fantasy in your real, waking life?
This last question is key, because, let’s face it, most of us can’t drop everything and run away to a cottage in the Scottish Highlands, but we *can* start to identify the fact that we need space and less social contact in our daily lives, which can inform how we apply the second ingredient of the overwhelm cure…
Pruning.
So in my yard, I have these gorgeous, abundant fruit trees: figs, Meyer lemons, apples, and persimmons.
One of the things I’ve learned in the last few years of living here and enjoying their delicious fruit each season is this: pruning back the branches and blossoms, while seemingly ruthless to this newbie gardener, is critical if I want to enjoy fully-matured growth of some of the fruit.
This principle — of cutting back or getting rid of the excess so that I can ensure some areas reach full bloom — I believe applies to our everyday lives, too, particularly in times of overwhelm.
I invite my clients in times of overwhelm and overcommitment to reflect not only on what their reveries and daydreams are telling them about what they most need and what that might look like in everyday life but also the big question of:
“What needs to be ruthlessly pruned in your life right now in order for that to happen?”
The reality is, each of us has a finite amount of physical and emotional energy.
A Reason to Keep Going
25 pages of what I actually say to clients when they are in the dark. Somatic tools, cognitive anchors, and 40 grounded, honest reasons to stay. No platitudes.
Yes, proper diet, sleep, moderate exercise, and other self-care routines can boost our energy levels to a certain extent, but the reality is we’re only human and we all only have 24 hours in a day.
So given that your energy is finite, and given that you might want some of the proverbial fruit on your tree of life goals to mature, what needs to be pruned back in order to make sure enough energy gets to the key areas?
Here are some inquiries to support you in thinking about this:
- What’s a key, underlying goal for your life right now? (hint: is it at the essence of your daytime reveries and fantasies?)
- What, if it “bloomed” would help you achieve a lot of your other goals? For instance, rest, financial security, home organization?
- What are one or two key things that you *know* really have to be prioritized right now? (hint: maybe these things are externally imposed: a big tax bill to pay, a job search that needs to happen…)
- What are five or more examples of things you can ruthlessly prune that are stealing energy away from those key areas?
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can create patterns of people-pleasing, difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, and challenges with self-worth. You might find yourself drawn to relationships that replicate familiar dynamics, or struggle to identify and assert your own needs. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing.
Having a healthy relationship with a narcissistic parent is challenging and depends on the severity of their narcissism and their willingness to change. It often requires setting firm boundaries, managing your expectations, and accepting that they may not be able to provide the empathy or validation you need. Therapy can help you navigate this complex dynamic.
Healing begins with acknowledging the impact of your upbringing and allowing yourself to grieve the parenting you deserved but didn’t receive. Therapy, particularly with a trauma-informed therapist, can help you process these experiences, challenge internalized negative beliefs, and develop healthier relational patterns. Building a supportive community is also crucial.
Signs include consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own, feeling responsible for others’ emotions, difficulty recognizing or asserting your own needs, attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable or demanding, and feeling a familiar sense of walking on eggshells. Awareness of these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
