Marie Kondo'ing your maladaptive beliefs…

Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • August 7, 2022

LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026

SUMMARY

You carry maladaptive beliefs—those early negative ideas about yourself that once kept you safe but now silently limit your worth, safety, and freedom in adulthood, often without your conscious awareness. A maladaptive belief is a core assumption formed in childhood from relational trauma, which feels true because it was protective then but now causes unnecessary suffering and traps you in old patterns.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. What does Marie Kondo’s method have to do with healing your beliefs?
2. What are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?
3. So what are some examples of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?
4. Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
5. Could your maladaptive beliefs actually have been protecting you at some point?
6. But what about that young woman as an adult in her 30s?
7. How does EMDR therapy help transform deeply held maladaptive core beliefs?
8. Wrapping up.
9. Frequently Asked Questions

Negative cognition refers to the harmful or untrue thoughts you believe about yourself, like feeling unworthy, unsafe, or unlovable, which often stem from past trauma or painful experiences. It is not just a passing bad thought or a moment of self-doubt, but a persistent mental story that colors your emotions and behaviors in ways that limit your growth and well-being. For you, understanding negative cognitions means identifying those internal messages that keep replaying and sabotaging your sense of safety and competence, so you can begin to challenge and transform them. Naming these thoughts with precision is the first step toward reclaiming your narrative and moving beyond the old patterns that no longer serve your adult self.

• You carry maladaptive beliefs—those early negative ideas about yourself that once kept you safe but now silently limit your worth, safety, and freedom in adulthood, often without your conscious awareness.
• A maladaptive belief is a core assumption formed in childhood from relational trauma, which feels true because it was protective then but now causes unnecessary suffering and traps you in old patterns.
• Healing these beliefs means treating them like Marie Kondo would: recognizing their purpose, thanking them for their service, and gently releasing what no longer fits—often with EMDR therapy helping you rewrite your internal story.

A beloved client of mine and I were about two third of the way through our weekly telehealth EMDR session and we were deep into the reprocessing phase, targeting a painful early memory.

SUMMARY

What if you applied Marie Kondo’s ‘does this spark joy?’ principle to the beliefs you hold about yourself — the ones that used to protect you but no longer fit? Many of the beliefs driven women carry about their worth, safety, and what’s required of them were formed in childhood and were adaptive then. This post explores how to identify maladaptive beliefs, recognize their origins, and begin the process of gently releasing what no longer serves you.

After the last set of bi-lateral stimulation ended, I asked my client, “And what do you notice now?”

She said, “I was just kind of Marie Kondo’ing that negative belief we were talking about, thanking it for how it served me and releasing it.”

1. Unable to help myself, I burst into laughter.
2. What are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?
3. So what are some examples of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?
4. Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
5. Why are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions “a bad thing”?
6. They were likely protective and adaptive, they kept us safe at some level.
7. But what about that young woman as an adult in her 30s?
8. Marie Kondo’s process is a great analogy of how we let those NCs go…
9. What maladaptive belief might you need to “Marie Kondo”?
10. Transforming Core Beliefs Through EMDR Therapy
11. Wrapping up.

What does Marie Kondo’s method have to do with healing your beliefs?

DEFINITION
EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an evidence-based psychotherapy approach that uses bilateral stimulation, typically guided eye movements, to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories. It allows disturbing experiences to be integrated into the broader memory network, reducing their emotional charge and the intensity of associated triggers.

Deviating from the clinical frame of EMDR (and, arguably, professionalism in general), I wiped tears from my eyes and told her, “That might be the best thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about changing their negative cognitions with EMDR! I might have to steal that from you.”

Maladaptive Belief

A maladaptive belief is a thought pattern or core assumption — often formed in response to early relational experiences — that was once protective or adaptive but now creates unnecessary suffering, limits your options, or keeps you stuck in old patterns. Examples include ‘I am only valuable when I am useful,’ ‘Needing things makes me a burden,’ or ‘I can’t trust anyone.’

She and I both laughed, and we resumed reprocessing, continuing our work to resolve the trauma of her earlier experiences and internalize new, more positive cognitions and beliefs to support her. 

But after the session ended, I couldn’t help smiling thinking about what she said. “Marie Kondo’ing her negative belief.” I thought, what a great analogy she came up with to describe one of the primary intents of EMDR therapy. And, indeed, one of the core tenants of relational trauma recovery work.

In today’s essay, I want to explore the concept of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions. Illustrate how they form in order to protect us. And discuss how – when they eventually stop serving us – we can use EMDR (or other bottom-up, brain-based trauma treatment approaches) to “Marie Kondo” those beliefs. Finally, I’ll provide some prompts to help you get started “Marie Kondo’ing” your own negative beliefs, too.

What are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?

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A maladaptive belief or negative cognition can, for the purposes of this essay, be used interchangeably. As I define them in my clinical work, these are thoughts about self, others, and the world that are central to one’s identity and are prone towards negative bias, distorted, and largely fixed. 

Maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions form (often unconsciously) in response to our social, environmental, and emotional experiences, often early in life. But we’re capable of forming these kinds of beliefs long after childhood, too. 

Within the framework and theory of EMDR, my personal EMDR trainer and consultant (and one of Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.’s original cohort of EMDR practitioners) Andrew Leeds, Ph.D. elaborates on the concept of negative cognitions further by stating that: (PMID: 11748594)

“Three elements make up the [negative cognition]: 1) A presently held 2) irrational belief, that comes to mind when 3) focusing on the disturbing memory. The [negative cognition] is: 1) not what was thought at the time of the original event, 2) not a possibly true description, 3) not necessarily believed (or acted on) all the time.”

So what are some examples of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions? 

There are thousands of examples of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions. But, using the theory and frame of EMDR, most are rooted in four core themes of self-defectiveness, responsibility, safety, and control. Below I list a handful of examples per theme:

• Self-defectiveness:
  • “I’m unworthy.”
  • “I’m unloveable.”
  • “I’m bad.”
  • “I’m broken.”
• Responsibility:
  • “I should have… [fill in the blank]”
  • “I shouldn’t have… [fill in the blank]”
  • “I should have known better.”
  • “It’s all my fault.”

• Safety:
  • “I’m in danger.”
  • “I can’t protect myself.”
  • “I’m going to die.”
  • “I can’t trust anyone.”
• Control:
  • “I’m not in control.”
  • “I’m powerless.”
  • “I’m helpless.
  • “‘I’m weak.”

And, as I said, the iterations of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions are endless.

Why are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions “a bad thing”?

It may seem obvious, but the impacts of maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions can be harmful.

Volumes of research illustrate the correlation between chronic stress and our physical and mental well-being and, certainly, maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions contribute to increased chronic stress. (PMID: 15574496)

So, without a doubt, they have negative consequences.

But are maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions “a bad thing?”

I don’t think it’s quite that simple.

Just like nothing in life is ever fully bad or good, we have to understand that negative cognitions and maladaptive beliefs, at some level, served us well at some point.

Could your maladaptive beliefs actually have been protecting you at some point?

Let’s take an example of a maladaptive belief/negative cognition: “I can’t trust anyone.”

Let’s imagine a young girl, raised by an alcoholic, antisocial personality disordered father and a depressive, suicidal mother who grew up experiencing chronic and repeated experiences of actual and perceived danger with them.

In this kind of environment, it would be smart of that young girl not to “trust” relationships where her dignity, safety, and physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being would be at risk.

By holding this belief, she might self-protect from withdrawing from those relationships, relying on herself in those formative years when no adult around her was trustworthy, guarding against emotional intimacy with people who were not capable of it.

Smart actions to take to make it out of childhood and adolescence with parents like that…

But what about that young woman as an adult in her 30s?

Does that maladaptive belief still serve her so well?

Now she’s partnered with a good, kind, and honest (but, of course, imperfect) partner.

She’s surrounded by friends who are there for her as much as their own capacities allow, and works daily with teammates at her law firm who really do want to help her and see her succeed.

Does the belief of “I can’t trust anyone” still serve her so well now that her relationally traumatic past is over and she’s more empowered and surrounded by safer, more functional relationships?

You and I both know the answer: No, her belief of “I can’t trust anyone” doesn’t serve her so well anymore.

Holding onto a belief like this likely stops her from having the emotional intimacy and close, connected, interdependent relationships she craves (and that make life so worthwhile).

And yet, while this maladaptive belief no longer serves her, we can release it compassionately with respect for how it once served her, a process analogous to Marie Kondo’ing your home.

How does Marie Kondo’s process apply to letting go of negative cognitions?

If you don’t know about the global phenom that is Marie Kondo and her “Joy of Tidying Up” process, it’s a tidying methodology hinged on four parts:

1. Tidy by category of home item.
2. Keep only those things that speak to the heart.
3. Discard items that no longer spark joy.
4. Thank them for their service – then let them go.

The reason why I laughed when my client made her comment is that she had, intuitively, practiced the fourth part of Marie Kondo’s process: holding a compassionate view of her old, dysfunctional belief, recognizing it had served her well, and then releasing it with care (versus moving towards self-denigration or blame that she ever had that belief in the first place).

It was truly delightful and as someone who deeply loves a clean, tidy house and all things home organization (Marie Kondo being one of them!), I couldn’t help but laugh and find joy that she was progressing so well through her EMDR work by compassionately releasing (and cleverly analogizing) her process of moving towards healthier, more functional beliefs.

Certainly, EMDR is not the only therapy that can support a client to identify and release maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions and replace them with more positive and supportive beliefs and cognitions, but it is, in my opinion, one of the most effective therapies that can achieve this.

What maladaptive belief might you need to “Marie Kondo”?

All of us have some maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions that are no longer serving us. Consider the below prompts to identify one (or more) of yours:

• What’s one example of mental clutter/a maladaptive belief you’re aware of holding?
• As you read through this essay and explored the four themes and examples I shared earlier, did any resonate with you in particular?
• Once you’ve identified one belief, ask yourself, how did this mental clutter/maladaptive belief serve and protect you at one time? How did it keep you safe?
• Can you thank it for how it served you and release it? Substituting, perhaps, a more helpful, productive belief instead?
• What do you need to see, know, or experience in order to compassionately release it? To Marie Kondo it?

How does EMDR therapy help transform deeply held maladaptive core beliefs?

When you enter EMDR therapy carrying beliefs like “I’m unworthy” or “I can’t trust anyone,” you’re not just working with thoughts but with neurologically-stored survival programs that once kept you safe in unsafe environments—discovering that AFGOs (Another F*cking Growth Opportunity) as your litmus test often reveal which beliefs still run your life versus which you’ve successfully updated.

Your trauma-informed EMDR therapist helps you identify the specific memories where these beliefs crystallized—the moment your mother’s criticism became “I’m not good enough,” when your father’s absence became “I’m unlovable”—targeting these memories with bilateral stimulation to literally rewire how your brain stores these experiences and their associated beliefs.

The EMDR process honors that your maladaptive beliefs were adaptive once—thanking them for their service while installing updated cognitions that match your current reality. Through sets of bilateral stimulation, you might feel the belief “I can’t protect myself” (formed when you were truly helpless as a child) gradually shift to “I can protect myself now” as your adult resources integrate with the old memory. Your therapist guides you through not just changing the thought but metabolizing the stored trauma that keeps regenerating the belief, watching your SUDS (distress) scores drop while your VOC (validity of positive belief) scores rise.

Most powerfully, EMDR creates lasting change because it addresses beliefs at their source—not just challenging them cognitively but reprocessing the traumatic memories that keep feeding them. Like Marie Kondo creating space for joy by releasing what no longer serves, EMDR clears out the traumatic charge that maintains outdated beliefs, making room for cognitions that support rather than sabotage your life, proving that the protective strategies of childhood can be honored, thanked, and finally, gently retired.

Wrapping up.

Now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:

What came up for you reading today’s essay? Did you get in touch with any internalized maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions you weren’t aware of before? What’s one tool or tip you could share that’s helped you “Marie Kondo” your own maladaptive beliefs and negative cognitions?

If you feel so inclined, please leave a message in the comments below so our community of 23,000 blog readers can benefit from your wisdom.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie

How maladaptive beliefs show up in driven women’s daily lives

In my work with clients, the maladaptive beliefs I encounter most often are the ones that look like virtues from the outside. The driven, ambitious woman who believes “I’m only valuable when I produce” doesn’t look like someone in crisis — she looks like a top performer. The one who believes “If I let people see my real self, they’ll leave” doesn’t look like someone in pain — she looks polished and self-sufficient.

That’s what makes these beliefs so stubborn. They’re invisible precisely because they’re working. Or rather, they’re working well enough that you never stop to question them.

Take Camille, a 38-year-old venture-backed founder I worked with. Camille had built a team of twelve people, secured two rounds of funding, and was widely recognized in her industry as someone with exceptional instincts. And yet, at least twice a week, she’d wake at 3 AM running a mental audit: What did I miss? What are people saying behind my back? When does everyone find out I’m a fraud?

When we traced this belief — “I’m fundamentally not enough, and people will eventually see it” — back to its origins, we landed in a kitchen in suburban Ohio when Camille was nine. Her mother, struggling with her own unaddressed anxiety, responded to Camille’s excitement about a school project with a critique list. Not cruelty — love, misshapen. But for a nine-year-old, the message landed as: your best is never quite good enough. Camille had carried that belief into every boardroom, every pitch, every performance review for nearly three decades.

This is what relational trauma does. It installs beliefs at an age when you have no cognitive framework to challenge them, and those beliefs become so foundational that you don’t question them any more than you question gravity.

Another client, Priya — a physician and mother of two in her early forties — carried the belief “I can’t need things from other people.” On the surface, she read as extraordinarily capable. She managed a busy clinical practice, coordinated her household’s logistics with precision, and showed up for every friend’s crisis without fail. What she couldn’t do was ask for help when her own life was unraveling.

During one EMDR session, we traced that belief to a childhood marked by a parent whose own needs were so consuming that Priya’s needs had to be invisible. She learned early: wanting things from people leads to disappointment or burden. Better to not want. That belief had protected her then. As an adult, it was costing her the intimacy she desperately wanted.

In my clinical work, I see this pattern constantly: women who are extraordinary at taking care of everyone around them, and utterly depleted when it comes to receiving care themselves. Not because they don’t deserve it. Because some part of them, formed long ago, decided they weren’t allowed to need it.

Why the Marie Kondo analogy works so well for healing

Marie Kondo’s method asks a deceptively simple question: does this spark joy? But underneath that simplicity is something profound — it assumes the items you’re releasing served a purpose. You don’t throw things away in contempt. You hold them, acknowledge what they gave you, thank them, and let them go with care.

This is exactly the orientation that makes healing possible. I’ve watched clients spend years trying to hate their maladaptive beliefs out of existence — criticizing themselves for being anxious, shaming themselves for self-sabotaging, willing themselves to just stop with the negative self-talk. And I’ve watched that approach fail, every time.

What works is what Camille accidentally stumbled into: holding the belief with curiosity and compassion, asking what purpose it once served, and then — only then — releasing it. Not because the belief is bad, but because you’ve outgrown it. The way a child outgrows training wheels. The training wheels were never the enemy. They were exactly what was needed, until they weren’t.

Gay Hendricks, PhD, psychologist and author of The Big Leap, describes a similar process in his work on upper limit problems — the ways we unconsciously cap how much goodness we’re willing to receive. Whether through Hendricks’s framework, EMDR, Internal Family Systems, or depth therapy, the most durable healing I’ve witnessed follows this same arc: recognize, honor, release, replace.

“In plain terms,” as I often say to clients: you can’t muscle a belief away. You can only make it safe enough to leave.

If you’re ready to explore what beliefs might be running your internal operating system, a consultation is a good place to start. And if you’re curious about which childhood wound might be most central to your patterns, our free quiz can help you name it.

Both/And: Your Beliefs Were Adaptive AND They No Longer Serve You

In my work with clients, the most important breakthroughs happen not when someone chooses one truth over another, but when they learn to hold two seemingly contradictory truths at the same time.

Here’s the both/and that matters most in this work: your maladaptive beliefs were genuinely protective and they are genuinely limiting you now. Both things are true at once. You don’t have to decide which one is more true. You don’t have to forgive the people who created the conditions for those beliefs to form before you can release the beliefs themselves.

You can be grateful for how your nervous system adapted to keep you safe and mourn that you needed to adapt in the first place. You can honor the younger version of yourself who learned “I can’t trust anyone” as a survival strategy and grieve the relationships that belief cost you as an adult. These aren’t contradictions — they’re the texture of healing.

The driven, ambitious women I work with often struggle with this because they’ve been trained to solve problems, not sit with paradox. But healing isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a process to inhabit. And the both/and is always where the deepest growth lives.

What I find, again and again, is that giving yourself permission to hold both truths simultaneously — rather than collapsing into self-blame or self-pity — is what finally makes the belief mobile. It can start to shift. Because you’re no longer fighting it. You’re simply outgrowing it.

The Systemic Lens: Why These Beliefs Aren’t Personal Failures

When we locate suffering exclusively in the individual — What’s wrong with me? — we miss the larger forces at work. Maladaptive beliefs don’t form in a vacuum. They form inside families, and families exist inside cultures, and cultures have their own beliefs about what women are allowed to want, need, feel, and ask for.

The woman who believes “I’m only valuable when I produce” didn’t invent that belief out of thin air. She absorbed it from caregivers who may have been too depleted, too traumatized, or too shaped by their own cultural messages to give her unconditional worth. And those caregivers absorbed it from their caregivers. Intergenerational transmission of intergenerational trauma is real and well-documented — what wasn’t healed in one generation gets passed, often silently, to the next.

This matters because the driven, ambitious women I work with almost universally blame themselves for pain that was never theirs alone to carry. The perfectionism, the chronic self-doubt, the inability to rest — these aren’t character flaws. They’re adaptive responses to systems that asked too much of you while offering too little safety, attunement, and genuine support.

Bessel van der Kolk, MD, psychiatrist and trauma researcher and author of The Body Keeps the Score, writes that trauma is fundamentally a story about what happens when normal human needs — for safety, attunement, and connection — go chronically unmet. When those needs go unmet inside a family, and the family exists inside a culture that doesn’t acknowledge or address that unmet need, the child carries the burden privately. The belief that something is wrong with her is easier to tolerate than the belief that the systems around her failed.

Healing begins when you stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking “What happened to me — and what systems made it possible?” That shift isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about giving yourself the accurate diagnosis. You can’t Marie Kondo a belief that you still believe is a personal moral failure. You can only release it once you understand it was always an adaptation, not an identity.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

Further Reading on Relational Trauma

Explore Annie’s clinical writing on relational trauma recovery.

• Narcissistic Abuse & Recovery Guide
• Childhood Emotional Neglect Guide
• Attachment Styles Guide
• Complex PTSD Guide
• EMDR Therapy for Women
• Inner Child Work Guide
• Trauma and the Nervous System
• Intergenerational Trauma

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About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT #95719  ·  Relational Trauma Specialist  ·  W.W. Norton Author

Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer

Frequently Asked Questions

What exactly are maladaptive beliefs and how do they form?

Maladaptive beliefs are negatively-biased, distorted thoughts about self, others, and the world that form (often unconsciously) in response to traumatic experiences. They're protective adaptations—a child with unreliable parents develops "I can't trust anyone" as a survival strategy, not a character flaw.

Why is "Marie Kondo'ing" beliefs better than just trying to eliminate them?

Compassionately thanking beliefs for their protective service reduces shame and self-blame while honoring your survival. Fighting or hating parts of yourself creates internal conflict. Gratefully releasing what no longer serves you allows genuine transformation without self-attack.

Can you change deeply held negative beliefs without EMDR therapy?

Yes, other therapies like CBT, IFS, and somatic approaches can shift beliefs, though EMDR is particularly effective because it reprocesses the traumatic memories where beliefs are neurobiologically stored. The key is addressing both the cognitive and somatic levels where beliefs live.

How do I know which beliefs are maladaptive versus realistic caution?

Maladaptive beliefs are rigid, absolute, and create problems in safe situations ("I can NEVER trust ANYONE"). Realistic caution is flexible and context-dependent ("I'll build trust gradually with this specific person"). If a belief consistently sabotages safe relationships, it's likely maladaptive.

What if I can't feel grateful for beliefs that caused me pain?

Start with neutrality—you don't need to feel grateful, just acknowledge the belief tried to protect you. Sometimes recognizing "this was the best my child-self could do" is enough. Forced gratitude isn't necessary; compassionate understanding is the goal.