So we manage those missed connections and re-attempts as best we can, sometimes with success. And probably many times with no success.
This is so universal a human experience that philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer illustrated it in his 1851 work, Parerga and Paralipomena, with a parable called The Hedgehog’s Dilemma.
The parable (well worth a read!) is a metaphor about human intimacy and the inherent struggle it can take to feel close to others given our inherent natures and differences.
(I’m sure anyone in a long-term relationship can appreciate the lesson of the parable!)
And while everyday relationship, even at its best, can often feel like two little hedgehogs attempting and re-attempting to come close to each other for warmth and connection and sometimes getting pricked by one another, I think the metaphor has to be widened to better illustrate the experience of someone with a complex relational trauma history in a romantic relationship.
In these cases, it might be more appropriate to imagine that the Hedgehog Dilemma is now being played out in a cold, haunted mansion.
This sounds hyperbolic, perhaps, but keep reading to learn what I mean.
Relationships can be hard work in the best of circumstances.
Again, I can’t stress this enough: long-term romantic relationships can feel like work in the best of circumstances.
You get two people together with all their inherent temperamental and preferential differences. You add work, money struggles, commutes, waxing and waning libidos, aging bodies, sleep-deprived minds, kids, mortgages, work stressors, student loan payments, seemingly endless laundry, dishes, and grocery shopping on top of it all, and your relationship, at times, will likely feel quite hard.
Again, think of the Hedgehogs in the parable. We try to move towards each other for warmth when we’re cold. But the inherent pricks of us and life can often sting and drive us apart.
And again, I stress, that’s relationship in the best of circumstances.
Relationships can feel harder if you have a relational trauma history.
When you have a relational trauma history, that long-term relationship with its inherent and natural challenges can often feel harder.
Why?
Because complex relational trauma – whether this is a result of neglect, abandonment, abuse (verbal, emotional or physical) – can disrupt our sense of safety in relationship (and often in the world) early on in life.
With a lack of stability and trust in the world, we move forward with our lives as best we can. But along the way, we most likely get triggered by moments, interactions, and threats (actual and perceived) in frequency and intensity that folks with non-traumatic pasts may not experience.
