Why is it hard for those from relational trauma backgrounds to keep themselves safe as adults?
It may seem obvious that keeping yourself safe as an adult should be a top priority. You would know, inherently, what exactly this means and how to do it. In my personal and professional experience, those with relational trauma histories may struggle with this life skill – sometimes mightily so.
Why?
As I’ve written about before, coming from a relational trauma history can leave one with multitudinous, biopsychosocial impacts that can lead to deficits in seemingly basic life skills that their non-traumatized peers don’t struggle with.
And one of these “seemingly basic” life skills can be how well or poorly one is able to keep themselves safe as an adult.
When you come from a relational trauma history – the kind of trauma that results over the course of time in the context of a power-imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship (usually between a child and caregiver) – you may experience some following biopsychosocial impacts.
Having maladaptive and dysfunctional beliefs about yourself.
For example, conscious or unconscious thoughts and beliefs that look like: “I’m a broken person who deserves to be treated poorly.” or “I can only attract assholes and cheaters. A nice guy would never give me the time of day.” And these thoughts and beliefs inform your actions or lack of actions to keep yourself safe.
Having maladaptive and dysfunctional beliefs about others.
For example, conscious or unconscious thoughts and beliefs that look like this. “He’s not really that abusive – that’s just how he shows love.” “Everyone gets screamed at sometimes in their relationships. That’s just marriage, right?” And these thoughts and beliefs inform your actions or lack of actions to keep yourself safe.
Having no appropriate ideas of adequate safety measures because of a lack of modeling.
For example, a child who grew up with a father who drove after drinking. Or a mother who never called the police because she thought all police were bad. He might struggle to reach out to proper authorities for help protecting themselves. Or might condone friends and partners driving under the influence with them and their own children in the car. Our early relationships and experiences inform what we later internalize as normative beliefs about the world. And if we have no models, we may lack functional ideas about safety as an adult
