Hey friend,
The questions you submitted for this month’s Q&A revealed something I see constantly with driven and ambitious women: the exhausting work of trying to distinguish between what your trauma-trained nervous system is screaming about and what’s actually happening in front of you.
Questions about growing up with a mother with borderline personality disorder and now not knowing if your husband’s drinking and anger is “normal relationship stuff” or if you should leave. About leaving a job two years ago and still not knowing if it was the right decision—still grieving the colleague who met needs your childhood never did. About living with a man for 18 months and wondering if you’re with a narcissist or if you’re just being dramatic. About realizing all your goals are fear-fueled and terrifying yourself with the thought that without fear as rocket fuel, you’ll become lazy or mediocre.
Your questions weren’t asking for relationship advice or goal-setting frameworks. They were asking something much more fundamental: How do I trust my own perception of reality when my nervous system was trained in trauma and chaos? How do I know if I’m healing or avoiding? And most urgently—what if I can’t tell the difference between my trauma response and actual danger?
These are the questions that keep women lying awake doing mental gymnastics, trying to reality-test their own lives while their bodies scream conflicting information—because when you grew up where emotional volatility was dangerous, even low-level conflict can feel like being back in a war zone.
In this month’s Q&A, I address the real mechanics behind distinguishing your nervous system’s history from what’s happening now.
Here’s part of my response to the reader asking how to tell the difference between trauma response and actual relationship problems:
“I want you to think of it as two data streams. There’s the objective behavior in the present, and there’s your nervous system history. You were raised in an environment where emotional volatility was dangerous, so your body learned to scan for threat 24/7 and to get out fast. Both data streams matter. Trauma-informed work doesn’t say, ‘It’s just your nervous system, ignore what’s happening.’ Trauma-informed work says, ‘Let’s regulate your body enough so you can accurately read what’s happening.'”
The complete Q&A goes deeper into what I call the “traffic light check”—a practical framework for reality-testing whether you’re in green, yellow, or red territory. I also address the reality with trauma that “the right decision” might not be a feeling but a direction, and why complicated bereavements around professional endings don’t mean you chose wrong.
These conversations are too nuanced for surface-level self-help and too specific for generic trauma advice. They’re for women who understand that their confusion isn’t weakness—it’s the predictable result of a nervous system that learned to spot danger before conscious thought could catch up.
The full 30-minute recording and complete transcript are below, including practical frameworks for reality-testing your experience, guidance on finding trauma-informed therapists for narcissistic dynamics, and the truth about switching from fear-fueled to desire-fueled goals without losing your ambition.
If you’re not yet a paid subscriber and want access to the complete monthly Q&As, upgrade below to join this ongoing conversation about learning to trust yourself when your nervous system keeps rewriting the story.
Click play on the video below to listen to the teaser for the full 30-minute Q&A.
