“I’m not skinny enough to find love!" (and other lies your brain tells you.)
“It’s too late to go back to school and start a different career.” SUMMARY The belief that your body is the reason you haven’t found love — or don’t deserve it — is one of the most persistent and damaging lies the self-critical mind produces. It’s almost never about the body.
“It’s too late to go back to school and start a different career.”
SUMMARY
The belief that your body is the reason you haven’t found love — or don’t deserve it — is one of the most persistent and damaging lies the self-critical mind produces. It’s almost never about the body. It’s almost always about attachment, self-worth, and the childhood messages that got written into your nervous system about whether you are lovable as you are. This post unpacks that lie with clarity and care.
“I don’t have the money to travel.”
“All the good, loyal men are taken.”
“I have to be at my goal weight before I get on any apps.”
“I’ve poured so much into this relationship already, I can’t back out now, can I?”
“They’re family, so I have to spend my free time with them, right?”
Do any of these beliefs sound familiar? Have any of them popped up in the last few weeks as you thought about what your goals and plans for 2018 include?
If you haven’t had these thoughts exactly, you likely have your own version of them: Sneaky, intrusive thoughts that pop up and seem to scold you out of pursuing what it is you want or shame and blame you into “more realistic” goals and dreams.
In other words, lies your brain tells you.
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Definition
Body Image & Self-Worth: Body image is the subjective perception of one’s own body, shaped heavily by early relational experiences, cultural messaging, and internalized shame. When body image becomes tied to one’s fundamental sense of worth and lovability, it is a therapeutic issue — not a diet or fitness issue.
Almost ALL of us have thoughts like this — ways we shut ourselves down, or talk ourselves out of going after what it is we want in life.
It’s normal and natural to have beliefs like this.
We likely learned these beliefs at some point in our lives and, perhaps, they may have even served to keep us safe at some point (or we thought we were keeping ourselves safe), but now these beliefs are getting in our way and possibly contributing to our emotional distress.
These beliefs have become maladaptive thoughts. And they need to be addressed.
So today I want to explore the concept of maladaptive thoughts with you, provide some prompts to help you recognize your own maladaptive thoughts, and provide further exercises you can use to challenge these maladaptive thoughts and come up with more functional, healthier patterns of thinking.
My hope is that this will support you not only in going after your goals in 2018. But in every way in all your days this year.
What’s a maladaptive thought?
“We are most alive when we find the courage to be vulnerable and to connect.”BRENÉ BROWN
Maladaptive thoughts are firmly established patterns of thinking that are often intrusive, negatively biased, rigid, distorted, and inaccurate.
They don’t have to be just one single thought. (e.g.: “He won’t go for a woman who looks like me!”) They can be entire schemas – patterns or core beliefs of thought (e.g.: “I’m unloveable.”).
Maladaptive thoughts form in much the same way any of our beliefs about the world form. We form in relationship to the relationships around us. So in other words, we absorb the messaging and beliefs we receive implicitly and explicitly from our early relationships. From our parents and caregivers, our siblings, our school peers, even our church and local communities.
Some of the beliefs we absorb may be functional and helpful. (“Don’t get into a van with a strange man!”) Others may be less helpful. Such as when you grow up with a narcissist for a parent who gives you the message (through their actions and perhaps words) that you are fundamentally unlovable.
Maladaptive, by its definition, means that these particular beliefs fail to help us adjust adequately or appropriately to the environment and situations that we are in.
So while it may have been a sane, appropriate belief if you grew up with a narcissist who was incapable of loving you to believe the thought, “I’m unloveable to this person.”, it becomes a maladaptive thought if you maintain this thought as you grow up and surround yourself with more functional individuals who are capable of healthy love.
In other words, your belief is no longer adaptive to the situation you may find yourself in now.
So what’s the cost of maladaptive thoughts?
On the more “mild” end of the spectrum, maladaptive thoughts can stop us from going after what it is we hunger and long for. They can become the excuses we use for not going after the job, the romantic partner, the travel, the lifestyle design we truly want.
And on the more “serious” end of the spectrum, these cognitive distortions can impact greatly our emotions and daily well-being, possibly contributing to anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness and powerless.
So it’s important that we get in touch with what our own maladaptive thoughts may be and then challenge these thoughts to untwist our thinking and come up with more functional, adaptive beliefs.
“The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese Proverb
Inquiries To Identify Your Own Maladaptive Thoughts:
Below I provide a list of inquiries to help you get in touch with your own maladaptive thoughts (the lies your brain tells you). (Hint: think about any resistances or blocks that have come up for you in the past few weeks as your thoughts about any goals you want to pursue in 2018.)
- What kind of lies does your brain tell you? What are the automatic thoughts you have that tell you why you can’t do something/why things won’t work? What does your brain seemingly shout at you when you start to feel vulnerable or move towards something you want?
- Do your maladaptive thoughts tend to have a particular flavor? These thoughts can often fall into buckets centered around categories like defectiveness (“It won’t work out because nothing ever does for me!”), unloveableness (“Other women can find men on those apps but I can’t because of my baggage.”), abandonment (“Why even bother trying to date? He’s just going to cheat on me anyways.”), and powerlessness (“What’s the point of applying? It’s a boys club and I don’t have a chance at the promotion.”)
- Examine the source. Where does this belief (or beliefs come from) come from? Does it remind you of anyone you know or knew who would preach something similar? Whose voice does this sound like?
- Explore the cost. How has believing this lie impacted your life so far? What have they stopped you from doing? What’s the cost of continuing to believe these stories?
“When a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the creature stays put instead.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Exercises to challenge your maladaptive thoughts:
Now that you’ve identified some (or possibly many) maladaptive thoughts and explored how they’ve impacted your life so far and what the cost of continuing to believe them may be, I want you to practice challenging these thoughts and seeing if you can come up with some other more functional, healthy beliefs. Here are a few exercises to help you do this:
- Use another person’s perspective: Who is someone in your life who doesn’t seem to buy into this lie like you do? What would your mentor or best friend or therapist say? What’s a story or belief THEY probably think instead? What would it be like for you to tell yourself THIS story instead of your maladaptive belief? What impact would that have on your life?
- Use data to disprove yourself: Can you come up with three examples of people or situations that disprove your belief? For example, if the belief is that you’re not skinny enough to find love, can you think of three examples of women or men who seem to have found love despite whatever size they are?
- Use logic to poke holes in it: Ask yourself, is this thought realistic? Is it, perhaps, black and white all or nothing thinking? Is this thought based on facts? Am I thinking an extreme or over exaggerated thought? Can I think of any reason why this thought may not be 100% true?
- Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one. Ask yourself if you would tell your best friend or your child this thought. No? So what would you tell them instead? And what would it be like to tell yourself this thought? What new story would that be then?
“It takes great courage to break with one’s past history and stand alone” ― Marion Woodman
Wrapping this up.
Almost all of our brains tell us “lies” – or, rather, maladaptive thoughts about who we are and what we are capable of in this world.
This is normal and natural and a consequence of growing up in society writ large let alone whatever household we were lucky or unlucky to have grown up in.
You’re not wrong for having these beliefs. We all have them in our own way.
But I want to invite you to get to know these “lies” more – these maladaptive thoughts – and to choose how well they are working for you and whether or not it would be more helpful for you to believe something else instead.
When we can create some choice and flexibility in our thinking, that’s where our freedom lies.
When we uncover and own our resistances, our stories and introjects (lies we swallow whole), when we challenge them and then choose something different – this is where change can really start to happen. Doing this can be a huge support in moving towards your goals.
And now I’d like to hear from you in the comments below:
What’s one way you challenge your own maladaptive thoughts? What one trick has worked well in combating the “lies your brain tells you”?
Leave a message in the comments below so our community of blog readers can benefit from your wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
|
Free Quiz What’s Running Your Life?The invisible patterns you can’t outwork… |
Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. This quiz reveals the childhood patterns keeping you running — and why enough is never enough. TAKE THE QUIZ → |
Frequently Asked Questions
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- Cash, T. F. (2004). Body image: Past, present, and future. Body Image: A Handbook of Theory, Research, and Clinical Practice.
- Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.
- American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
- Wei, M., Mallinckrodt, B., Larson, L. M., & Zakalik, R. A. (2005). Adult attachment, depressive symptoms, and validation from self versus others. Journal of Counseling Psychology.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
FREE QUIZ
The invisible patterns you can’t outwork…
Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. This quiz reveals the childhood patterns keeping you running — and why enough is never enough.
TAKE THE QUIZEmotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to your emotional experiences in a flexible and adaptive way. It’s crucial because it affects every area of your life: your relationships, your work, your mental health, and your overall well-being. Good emotional regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions; it means being able to feel them without being overwhelmed and to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Emotional overwhelm often has roots in early experiences where emotions were too intense to process, were dismissed, or where you didn’t have a caregiver to help you regulate. This can result in a nervous system that struggles to manage intense feelings as an adult. It’s not a character flaw; it’s a learned pattern that can be changed.
In-the-moment techniques include deep breathing (specifically, extending the exhale), grounding exercises (using your senses to connect to the present), TIPP skills (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive relaxation), and self-compassionate self-talk. These techniques work by directly calming the physiological stress response.
Relational trauma can significantly impact emotional regulation by dysregulating the nervous system and creating patterns of emotional reactivity or shutdown. If your early environment was unpredictable or unsafe, your nervous system may have learned to be on high alert, making it harder to regulate emotions as an adult. Healing the underlying relational wounds is often key to improving regulation.
Therapy can help in multiple ways: by providing a safe, attuned relationship that itself helps regulate your nervous system; by teaching specific skills for managing emotions; and by processing the underlying experiences that contribute to dysregulation. Approaches like DBT, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed CBT are particularly effective for developing emotional regulation.
Annie Wright
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton AuthorHelping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Work With Annie
