TL;DR –Paying a $2000+ invoice to a lawyer who provided wise, ethical counsel became an unexpected source of re-fathering—experiencing the trustworthy older male figure absent from childhood, proving that reparative parenting experiences can come from professional relationships and absolutely "count" toward healing relational trauma. Re-parenting encompasses any interaction that provides what you should have received as a child: safety, attunement, guidance, nervous system regulation, or help navigating adult complexities. These experiences aren't limited by gender or traditional roles—a female financial planner can provide archetypal "fathering" through protection and guidance, while a nurturing male partner offers re-mothering.
The belief that paid support "doesn't count" stems from younger parts still grieving the absence of unpaid, lifelong, flesh-and-blood parents who should have been there. While honoring this legitimate sadness, recognizing that professional relationships offer genuine reparative experiences helps internalize the good-enough inner parent you're ultimately cultivating. Whether it's a therapist, accountant, doula, or business coach, paying for support that fills developmental gaps is a form of self-parenting—giving yourself what wasn't freely given, proving you're worth the investment your original caregivers couldn't make.
Recently, I paid a $2000+ invoice and I could not have been happier about it.
One of my lawyers had helped me navigate through a complex business situation and, through it all, he was wise, ethical, kind, and strong.
He saw things clearly, gave me brilliant counsel, steadied me when I felt shaky, and treated me with respect and care.
He helped me arrive at a resolution to the issue I was facing and he had given me an experience I wasn’t expecting through our interactions: re-fathering.
Though the boundaries between us were 100% client and attorney, the way that he showed up in our interactions over several months felt reparative to me because he gave me an experience I’ve almost never had with an older man in my life: someone I could trust implicitly and who I could rely on in moments of distress.
He helped me solve my legal issue, yes, but he reminded me, too, that it’s never too late for reparative re-parenting experiences (no matter how much personal work we’ve done), and moreover, that paying for professional support in pursuit of these reparative experiences absolutely counts.
What Is Re-Parenting?
Re-parenting, as I define it, is any relational interaction that gives you an experience being shown up for in a way you ideally would have been shown up for as a child and young adult by the caregivers in your life.
It is, effectively, an experience or set of experiences that help you meet psychological or developmental gaps you may contend with as a result of how you were raised.
Many of us from relational trauma backgrounds arrive into adulthood with unmet needs: for emotional safety, for attunement, for nurturance, support regulating our nervous systems, guidance about how to navigate the complexities of adulthood, etc…
In my case with my lawyer, because I never had a father in my life who was wise and trustworthy (quite the opposite in fact), I had (and still have) a gap of being able to resource effectively with older male figures.
When one of my lawyers was able to show up and be a strong, supportive, ethical, and sound authority figure for me, he gave me the re-parenting experience of being able to lean on and trust an older male figure in my life in a time of need. It was re-fathering.
It felt great.
Now, to be clear, while I did get a “re-fathering” experience from a male, I don’t think that re-parenting experiences are bifurcated and gendered as we’ve archetypically (and Patriarchically) historically ascribed them to be (eg: you get nurturance from women, you get protection from men, etc.).
I believe that the archetypal essence and qualities of parenting experiences that we’re hungry for can be fulfilled by any gender and they can be just as effective in any iteration.
For instance, my financial planner gives me the archetypally-ascribed “fathering” experiences of safety, expert guidance, someone to turn to, to navigate adulting complexities – and she’s a woman.
And, I’ve written about this before, I experience a lot of archetypal re-mothering from my husband who is a very nurturing, gentle, and generous man.
Again, re-parenting (re-mothering and re-fathering) can come from any relational interaction that gives you an experience being shown up for in a way you ideally would have been shown up for as a child and young adult by the caregivers in your life.
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START THE QUIZHow Do I Get More Re-Parenting Experiences?
When it comes to the question of seeking out and getting more re-parenting experiences, I think that, as adults, re-parenting experiences generally happen in one of two ways: unintentionally and intentionally.
On the one hand, we may already be having re-parenting experiences without consciously seeking it out and thinking about it.
We may move through the world experiencing supportive interactions that give us some of what we hungered for as children: respect, care, consideration, etc…
We may just not be consciously naming it as such.
For instance, when your older neighbor lady learns that you’re having surgery and brings over some soup to stock up your freezer for the week of your recovery, that can be a kind of re-parenting experience.
Or when your male landlord proactively checks in on you after a snowstorm to see if you are okay and comfortable and if you need anything, that can be a kind of re-parenting experience.
It’s something that I always like to point out to my therapy clients.
You may already be experiencing re-parenting in your life if you pay closer attention to your days.
And then, on the other hand, I think re-parenting can also happen when we consciously seek it out from healthy, functional relationships in our life, be they paid or unpaid.
For instance, re-parenting can happen when you ask your trustworthy boss for her support helping you craft your career trajectory to hit your goals.
And re-parenting can also happen when you enlist a paid professional to help you navigate your life and make things easier for you, like hiring a doula during your maternity leave or hiring an accountant to give you expert guidance on your taxes.
But if you, like so many others, believe it “doesn’t count” if you have to pay for it, read on.
“It Doesn’t Count If I Pay For Reparenting!”
In the last decade in my work as a therapist I’ve heard many times something to the effect of “Yes, but this relationship doesn’t count because I pay you.”
It’s a completely normal and natural thought and concern to worry and wonder if the reparenting experience “counts” if it’s paid.
The younger parts of us, the parts that desperately needed and wanted psychologically and relationally healthy parents to turn to in distress are still often hurt, sad, and sometimes angry about what they didn’t get and won’t ever have: unpaid, lifelong, reliable flesh-and-blood parents to turn to in times of need.
I don’t want to undermine this pain and longing.
I know how it feels, too.
We have to let those younger parts of us be sad about what we didn’t receive.
And also, while we’re making space for this sadness, perhaps too we can see the possibility that the paid professional support that’s giving us a re-mothering or re-fathering experience still counts because it’s helping us internalize reparative experiences while we ultimately do the work at becoming our own good-enough internalized inner mother and inner fathers.
So while you may not be able to have your lawyer walk you down the aisle, or your therapist in the delivery room while you birth your first baby, even though these paid supports can’t necessarily do all of the things a lifelong flesh-and-blood parent can, they can still give you some of the essences of what you’re still hungry for and help you meet those unmet developmental needs in some way.
Paying for re-parenting experiences absolutely counts if we let it.
How Do I Know If I Need Re-Parenting?
At some level, every human on this planet can use more reparative parenting experiences.
This is because, no matter how wonderful any parent or set of parents is, even the best parents can’t give you everything all the time when you’re a child and young adult.
Plus, even if you did have the greatest parents, the need for care, support, and parenting doesn’t disappear when we become adults.
Life can be really, really hard sometimes, and even with great parents in your corner you still may need more parenting and re-parenting resources.
And that’s okay.
So again, at some level, we could all use more positive re-parenting examples.
But the need for re-parenting to help meet unmet developmental psychological needs does, I believe, exist on a spectrum.
And if you’re a blog reader of mine, if you come from a relational trauma background, you likely fall further on the side of the spectrum who could use positive re-parenting experiences more than others.
But if you’re still unsure if you personally could use active and tangible re-parenting experiences let me ask you:
- What does your body have to say as you read these words, this essay?
- When you think of needing and having re-parenting experiences, do you feel any pangs of sadness or longing, any prick of tears in your eyes?
- Do you feel goosebumps on your arms or a lump in your throat?
Your body always knows the answer, honey.
Trust what’s coming up for you now and let the possibility that you need positive re-parenting experiences to be okay.
And, if after stilling and listening to yourself, you do realize that you need and want more re-parenting experiences, I’ve then invite you to consider the following reflective questions.
Some reflective questions.
- What parenting needs do you have?
- What are you dearly longing for that you wish a parent could give you?
- What’s the essence behind that wish? Guidance, protection, reassurance, comfort, wisdom, mirroring, attunement?
- Who in your life – paid and unpaid – can do this?
- If you can’t think of anyone, can you brainstorm a list of potential paid and unpaid supports? Here are a few paid support ideas to get you started:
– A therapist
– A lawyer
– An accountant
– A financial planner
– A business coach
– A personal assistant
– A housecleaner
– A nanny
– A property management company
– A consultant
– An estate planner
– A massage therapist
– A naturopath
Transforming Professional Relationships Into Reparative Experiences Through Re-Parenting Therapy
When you tell your therapist about the unexpected tears after your lawyer treated you with the respect and care your father never showed, you’re identifying how professional relationships can provide profound re-parenting experiences, and understanding how reparative experiences in relational trauma recovery aren’t limited to personal relationships but can emerge from any interaction that provides what was missing from your early caregiving.
Your trauma-informed therapist helps you recognize that re-parenting isn’t limited to therapy—it happens whenever someone provides what was missing: your accountant’s patient guidance filling the gap where financial literacy should have been taught, your doula’s nurturing presence offering the maternal support absent during vulnerable moments, your business coach’s belief in your potential providing the mirroring and encouragement never received. These aren’t consolation prizes for those who can’t find “real” love but legitimate healing experiences that rewire your nervous system’s expectations of relationships.
The therapeutic work involves identifying your specific unmet needs—do you hunger for protection, wisdom, unconditional positive regard, help navigating complexity, or simple presence during difficulty? Together, you map where these needs might be met, moving beyond the limiting belief that support must come from biological family or romantic partners to recognize the rich ecosystem of potential re-parenting available through chosen family, mentors, and yes, paid professionals.
Your therapist helps you work through the resistance to paying for support—examining beliefs about deserving care, fears about being “too much,” or shame about needing what others seemed to receive freely. They help you reframe payment not as evidence of deficiency but as taking responsibility for your healing, literally investing in becoming your own good-enough parent.
Most powerfully, therapy teaches you to recognize and metabolize these reparative moments as they occur—letting your lawyer’s ethical strength settle into your bones, allowing your financial planner’s steady presence to build new neural pathways of trust, permitting your massage therapist’s gentle care to teach your body it deserves tender attention. Each professional interaction becomes an opportunity to experience what should have been, gradually filling the gaps trauma left behind.Retry
Wrapping up.
This list of questions and possible supports are just the tip of the iceberg. They’re not exhaustive and meant to catalyze your own creative thinking about your unmet needs and pathway to healing.
You’re the expert of your experience and only you know what’s best and right and most true for you.
So, along those lines, I’d now I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
What came up for you as you read today’s essay? Who and what provides you with re-parenting experiences in your own life?
If you feel comfortable and inclined, please do share your reflections in the comments below so that our community of 20,000 monthly blog readers can benefit from your wisdom and experiences.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
