Though the boundaries between us were 100% client and attorney, the way that he showed up in our interactions over several months felt reparative to me because he gave me an experience I’ve almost never had with an older man in my life: someone I could trust implicitly and who I could rely on in moments of distress.
He helped me solve my legal issue, yes, but he reminded me, too, that it’s never too late for reparative re-parenting experiences (no matter how much personal work we’ve done), and moreover, that paying for professional support in pursuit of these reparative experiences absolutely counts.
What Is Re-Parenting?
Re-parenting, as I define it, is any relational interaction that gives you an experience being shown up for in a way you ideally would have been shown up for as a child and young adult by the caregivers in your life.
It is, effectively, an experience or set of experiences that help you meet psychological or developmental gaps you may contend with as a result of how you were raised.
Many of us from relational trauma backgrounds arrive into adulthood with unmet needs: for emotional safety, for attunement, for nurturance, support regulating our nervous systems, guidance about how to navigate the complexities of adulthood, etc…
In my case with my lawyer, because I never had a father in my life who was wise and trustworthy (quite the opposite in fact), I had (and still have) a gap of being able to resource effectively with older male figures.
When one of my lawyers was able to show up and be a strong, supportive, ethical, and sound authority figure for me, he gave me the re-parenting experience of being able to lean on and trust an older male figure in my life in a time of need. It was re-fathering.
It felt great.
Now, to be clear, while I did get a “re-fathering” experience from a male, I don’t think that re-parenting experiences are bifurcated and gendered as we’ve archetypically (and Patriarchically) historically ascribed them to be (eg: you get nurturance from women, you get protection from men, etc.).
I believe that the archetypal essence and qualities of parenting experiences that we’re hungry for can be fulfilled by any gender and they can be just as effective in any iteration.
For instance, my financial planner gives me the archetypally-ascribed “fathering” experiences of safety, expert guidance, someone to turn to, to navigate adulting complexities – and she’s a woman.
And, I’ve written about this before, I experience a lot of archetypal re-mothering from my husband who is a very nurturing, gentle, and generous man.
Again, re-parenting (re-mothering and re-fathering) can come from any relational interaction that gives you an experience being shown up for in a way you ideally would have been shown up for as a child and young adult by the caregivers in your life.
