As you recount the news, you feel the tears in your eyes and your throat tightening. You tell your therapist, “I just wish… no, never mind.”
“Go on,” your therapist prompts.
“No, it’s just that, I don’t know. I just wish I could count on my mother for the same thing. God, I can’t even imagine what that would feel like! But, ugh, I hate feeling this way. I feel so guilty for complaining about her. I feel guilty about feeling so disappointed with our relationship. I mean, she tries her best. Why do I still feel so sad?”
You feel so torn. You feel conflicted.
On the one hand, she grew you.
She literally gave you life.
She held you when you were a baby.
She stayed up late at night with you when you were sick.
Each August in elementary school she bought you new school clothes, a backpack, and three-ring Lisa Frank binders.
You know she loves you in her own way.
And you hold these memories, this knowledge of what she sacrificed, alongside painful memories. Vivid memories.
Memories of being criticized for your weight and stockiness. Jokingly, yes, but still…
Memories, too, where you were shamed for your feelings – “Why are you so angry all the time? What’s wrong with you?”
Of being slapped when you talked back as a teen.
Memories of not having her emotional support when you needed it most and the reality of your brittle, surface-level relationship today as adults.
The kind of relationship that will never look like her driving cross country to help you out in your hour of need.
And you struggle with this.
You struggle to reconcile what you know you “should” be grateful for (and what you are grateful for, in some ways), alongside the pain and anger you hold in your heart towards this one very important person in your life.
If you – like so many people – struggle to reconcile your care and appreciation for your mom alongside your pain and anger with her, if you particularly struggle with this when trying to talk about her in therapy or in any other context, today’s post is for you.
Therapy is not about parent bashing.
I want to go on the record and say something: therapy is not about parent bashing.
Therapy and therapists so often get a bad rap for making our clients exhume the past simply for the sake of complaining and “making mom and dad” wrong.
“Shrinks! All they want to do is talk about your childhood!”
I don’t think conflated generalizations like this are ever that helpful.
While therapy absolutely does invite you to turn backward, to look at what was, there is intentionality and clinical reasoning to that.
When we’re able to recall our memories, to make sense of them, and to feel all of our attendant feelings about those memories in the presence of a kind, compassionate witness, we’re able to support our nervous systems and psyches in healing.
So yes, while therapy and therapists will invite our clients to turn backward, to reflect on early life experiences, particularly with our primary caregivers and attachment figures, the goal here is not to “parent bash.”
The idea is to help you see your past, your history, more realistically and more cohesively.
We will invite you to talk about your mother (and father, or mother and mother, or father and father or grandparents – whatever iteration of family raised you) in order so that you can see things more clearly so you can integrate your experiences and get the support you need.
* And, for the intents and purposes of this article, while I use the term mother and birthing language, adoptive mothers and/or any parental or guardian-figure can and should be substituted throughout.
Let’s unpack “guilt” and “complaining.”
But now, let’s unpack and explore what it means to feel guilty and to complain.
Guilt is a signal, an emotional sign that says, “I have done something wrong.”
When we feel guilt rise up in us as we talk about our parents in anything less than positive ways, there’s a clue there for you to pay attention to.
Some part of you thinks you are doing something wrong.
What do you know about this part of you?
What did you learn was okay or not okay when it came to talking about your parents growing up?
Was it okay to ever have negative thoughts about them?
To express your displeasure with them to them?
Please hear me: You are not “bad” or “wrong” for sharing your painful memories about your mom (or parents or anyone) with your therapist.
You may feel like you’re doing something “wrong” or “bad” but that doesn’t mean that you actually are doing something “wrong” or “bad.”
If guilt emerges when you talk about your mom it means that, most likely, that some part of you is conflicted.
You’re likely conflicted because, at some point, whether this lesson came from your parents directly, or from your church or community at large, you learned that speaking about your parents in anything less than positive ways is wrong.
Regardless of when, where, or who you learned this from, it’s simply not the case.
You get to be upset with your parents.
You get to be upset with your mom.
You get to recall, express, and feel your feelings about painful moments and memories with her.
Doing so does not make you “guilty.”
You have done nothing wrong.
And, moreover, sharing your feelings and memories of the past is not “complaining.”
Sure, technically, complaining is the expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about something.
But aside from Dictionary definitions, the personal use of complaining in this instance is usually a pejorative, not a neutral definition.
When used as a pejorative, you’re essentially judging yourself for expressing your dissatisfaction or annoyance with your mom.
So let me ask you a question: Could you release that judgment?
Could you allow yourself to simply have your experience talking about her?
What would it feel like to allow yourself permission and space to share your experiences and memories about your mother without an added layer of judgment and guilt?
What would that feel like?
It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.
So, now that we’ve established that there is a clinical reason to reflect on your memories of your mother and that doing so does not make you wrong or bad, it’s important to understand that your experience with your mom was not either/or.
Your experience with your mother was both/and.
What do I mean by this?
Your mom was not fully bad. Nor was she fully perfect.
You may have many memories of her when she showed up as a good, loving, caring mother. A good enough mother.
And you may have memories, too, where she failed you. Possibly egregiously due to her own limitations and circumstances.
When we can hold both of these realities together – the mother who was good enough and the mother you sometimes (or often) failed you – we arrive at a more integrated view of your mother.
We arrive at a more moderate, realistic view of this person and of reality.
You move away from idealizing and demonizing her – seeing her as only good or only bad – and instead towards integration.
In psychotherapeutic terms, when we fail to hold this integrative view, when we find ourselves thinking only in black and white, or all-or-nothing thinking, we’re engaging in a psychological defense known as splitting.
Splitting is an inability in someone’s thinking to hold the dichotomy of both the positive and negative aspects of someone else (or ourselves or the world) into a cohesive whole.
If you do have this tendency to “split” in your thinking, please know you probably come by it very honestly and that there’s room for this kind of thinking to grow and to change.
But, for that change to happen, you’ll need to practice doing precisely what feels uncomfortable: challenging yourself to see and hold and accept both the positive and negative aspects of another person.
Such as with your mother.
Why holding both views matter.
Now, it may go without saying but the ability to hold both positive and negative aspects of another person – such as with your mother – is a healthy, positive thing.
First, it allows you to actually have your feelings if you’ve been resisting acknowledging the painful memories or experiences you have with someone.
When we can name that, even though we love someone, they caused and are still causing us pain, it opens up the possibility for us to feel more fully, to make more sense of our experiences, to seek out the right supports, and to decide more clearly what, if anything, we may need or want to do in that relationship.
As the old therapy saying goes: “We cannot heal what we cannot feel.”
Allow yourself the opportunity to heal by acknowledging your full spectrum of feelings about your mother.
Second, when we can hold both views – both the painful and the positive aspects of our mothers – it can help you grow more accustomed to holding integrated views of others, and with yourself.
And when we can do this – hold more integrated views of others and ourselves – we deepen our capacity for more stability and flexibility in our relationship patterns.
We give others and ourselves permission to be imperfect, to fail, to have ruptures with us, and for there to be space for this imperfection and human reality in our relationships.
Now, a caveat.
Just because your mother was imperfect and just because it’s good to hold integrated views of others, does not mean that I’m suggesting that you love her, stay in a relationship, or resume a relationship with her if that contradicts your own intuition and your boundaries.
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: having a relationship with an adult child is a privilege, not a right.
If it doesn’t feel safe, and healthy, and supportive for you to be in touch with your mother, then you don’t have to.
You’re always in control of your boundaries and who you let into your life as an adult.
This, I think, is one of the greatest things about being an adult: having a choice about who gets to enter your life. It’s something most of us didn’t have as children.
So even as we work to hold the dichotomy of both aspects of your mother, even as we work to undo the “guilt” you feel for talking about her in anything less than a positive light, please know you don’t have to be in a relationship with her if that doesn’t support you.
Wrapping this up.
As I wrap up this essay I want to reiterate one more time: you get to have your feelings and thoughts about your mother.
All of them.
She was not perfect and she may have failed you and, in her own way, she likely tried to do her best (though sometimes people’s “best” is, frankly, awful).
No matter the unique context of your own childhood and your present adulthood, please allow it to be okay for you to recall and express your full spectrum of memories about your mother.
Now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
What’s one way that holding both the positive and negative aspects of your own mother has supported you and your own healing as an adult?
Please feel free to share your experience in the comments below so our community of readers can benefit from your wisdom.
If you would personally like support around this and you live in California or Florida, please feel free to reach out to me directly to explore therapy together.
And wherever you live, please consider enrolling in the waitlist for my new signature course – Overcoming Relational Trauma: The Course – or my other online course, Hard Families, Good Boundaries, both designed to support you in healing your adverse early beginnings and creating a beautiful adulthood for yourself, no matter where you started out in life.
And until next time, please take very good care of yourself. You’re so worth it.
Warmly, Annie
Over the years my relationship with my mother has significantly improved as I’ve learned to integrate and model healthy boundaries with unconditional love. I’m adopted with a twin, however, and she has MS with significant cognitive decline. She is vulnerable to abuse and I often have to balance wanting to protect her and taking care of myself. So it’s tricky.
Leanne, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to know how to support yourself by setting healthy boundaries. I’m so proud of you. And that is such a tricky situation to be in, but I’m sure that your sister is grateful to you. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. Warmly, Annie
Thank you for this wonderful article. I am the daughter who speaks about my mother in therapy. I have learnt to sit with my own discomfort and guilt about this and am slowly seeing my own mother as neither good nor bad. I have released my intense need for her to show up in a particular way – though I do not have a relationship with her now, I can recall and integrate all aspects of our relationship, our good and bad times. I am also the mother who has not been there for my daughter at many times, have disappointed her and not been attuned – as she attends her own therapy sessions, many emotions well up inside. I am holding space for my mother, myself and my daughter. Thank you again.
Hi Sandhya, you’re welcome! I’m pleased that this post resonated with you. The fact that you’re holding space for you, your mother, and your daughter to heal speaks volumes to the personal work that you’ve already accomplished and continue to do. I’m so proud of you, you’re doing such an amazing job. Warmly, Annie.
Thank you Annie for another helpful article. It took me years sans therapy to realize my mother was an individual long before she had kids and I was the last one. I had to force myself to see her as a person who had her own series of messed up upbringing by her own mother so that I could see how she might struggle with being any sort of ‘good parent’. She still fell ridiculously short when it came to me, but I realized that she never got to the place I did for herself. She didn’t try to analyze or understand her behavior; she just drank it all away and internalized her issues and then exploded in pain. She left this earth ten years ago and still has some horrid ways she influences my life, but I have moved beyond her causing me pain most days. I acknowledge she was toxic and manipulative and only regret that I was never told there was an option to not have a relationship with her as an adult or that it could be on my terms without that stupid ugly guilt. She is the one that made me feel obligated to take care of my elderly father after she died, that sometimes gives me great guilt at any failing I his health is my fault, that I cannot do right enough, that I will never be good enough. It’s a small step to know my feelings aren’t all my fault but I’m still doing the work to separate what she tried to give me vs what I’m allowed to be for myself.
Angel, you’re so welcome. I’m so glad you found some permission in the essay to better validate your own experience. Please know that none of this is your fault. It sounds like you’re doing so much healing work and really showing up for yourself, and I think that is so wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom. Warmly, Annie
Hi Annie, brilliant article and so well timed. I was thinking about this topic all week and am so grateful for your post! It hit home on so many levels. As a follow up question to this post- what do we do with overwhelming jealousy? Beneath that jealousy is clearly the fact that we can’t have what others have in this case, and neither can we replace what we have lost as children, nor will Santa ever bring us what other children had if “we were good enough”. Would love to hear your insights on this.
SL, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad you could feel some validation from my words. As for jealousy, I would love for you to check out a former essay of mine where I discuss jealousy in greater detail. https://anniewright.com/jealousy-isnt-bad-thing-important-clue-opportunity/ I hope this is helpful to you, and thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Warmly, Annie
I broke all contact with my parents three years ago and I still feel guilty of that…I’m 45 married and have kids..and I feel awful for not wanting to have contact with them. I’m an only child and my dad is sick, so they need my help, but I’m barly holding on to my own life and sanety. I was abused as a young teen (by my mum and her lover) and I never spoke of it to anyone intoleranse three years ago. I’m in therapy, but I haven’t made much progress…
This article was very helpful in giving me premission not to have a relationship with her -even though she did nice things too…
Wow to read all about mom’s and daughters. My mom and me are alike in certain ways very sensitive and my mom is very domineering she always been. I think the only thing still is I still feel I need her approval or if something I feel is right I am so afraid that it won’t be right with her at my age yet. But over the years we have fought but my mom is still my mom and there is not anything she would not do for me. She is very giving so am I. And now since she is old and has a lot of health issues I have to help her and take care of her and work and as much as I do love my mom there are days I am glad to be at work. That sounds terrible to say probaly. I always feel guilty but I am learning not to so much now. I am 64 and feel like I need everybody’s approval. My mom and me are there for each other. I guess the good does weigh out the negative things. I do have some of my mom’s good qualities. There is one thing I really do wish I could have and that is being so strong like her. I am not but am working on that. Right now we are both going through a very bad estrangement with my son and not seeing him and his three little girls. My mom is devastated especially. So right now I try to keep things cool between us because it is hard and sad and that right now is important to keep my mom ok with all this and me to. Wish things could of been some what different as a kid, but there is a lot I can’t do but am thankful I still have my mom because she is all I have now. Good luck to all
Evie, gosh I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, but I’m so glad you found some permission in the essay to better validate your own experience. You are allowed to set boundaries and determine what you need and what feels good and right and true for you based on how you feel. Please remember that. It is so important to take care of yourself, and I’m so glad you are seeking support through therapy. I’m wishing you all my best. Warmly, Annie
Hello
My mom is bipolar and is a lot of work. Always has been. At some point in our relationship I became my moms go to place when she needed to scream at the world. My mom is very self absorbed and has no ability to provide the strength/understanding that she as a parent should listen to my problems, or successes in my life. I as an adult understand that she really does try to be more emotionally available to me but its never really happened, just not in her wheelhouse to be able to do this. It always circles around back to her needs.
I always wanted a mom who would sit and have some tea with me and listen to what was happening in my life. I went through a period when I actually hated her and wouldn’t talk to her. I moved across the country to get away from her so I could start focusing on my own life. She had a melt down and had to be hospitalized. While she was in the hospital we were able to get her meds organized and a mental health worker to support her. Big relief for me.
It worked for awhile but I continued to feel guilty that I wasn’t there for her, that she had no one to support her and that I was a mean daughter. She would cry on the phone that she had no one even thought she was remarried.
Her spouse passed away last year and she begged me to let her move in with me so she wouldn’t be alone. I am very torn about this and feeling very sad that I don’t want her to stay with me.
However, I stood my ground explaining she should stay were she was, it was the best possible choice for her. (She is now in assisted living). It was another hard hurtle(one of many) in my relationship with my mom. I still feel like I am a mean daughter even thought I need this for my own well being.
Any suggestion would be awesome.
Ada, thank you so much for this vulnerable and courageous share. I don’t think you are a mean daughter at all, nor should you feel guilty. It is so important to set your own boundaries, and it sounds like you’ve done (and are doing) wonderful work to support yourself. I know you are in the midst of this difficult situation, but I hope that you’re giving yourself a lot of compassion and grace. I’m rooting for you. Warmly, Annie
Thanks for this very helpful article. I think I have often been guilty of ‘splitting’ in the past, and I think that’s very much because my mother is exactly like that – extremely critical of EVERYONE, so much so that no one is good enough for her – she has no friends. My sister is just the same. I’m estranged from both of them. I try really hard to see people in all their aspects and focus on the positives, but I do sometimes feel that I still am too critical of other people. And I really dislike this. It’s hard for me to have a healthy boundary with other people – and I work hard at it. How to be critical enough to respect your own boundaries but not too critical so that you are unfair to others? It’s something I struggle with and think a lot about.
Wow to read all about mom’s and daughters. My mom and me are alike in certain ways very sensitive and my mom is very domineering she always been. I think the only thing still is I still feel I need her approval or if something I feel is right I am so afraid that it won’t be right with her at my age yet. But over the years we have fought but my mom is still my mom and there is not anything she would not do for me. She is very giving so am I. And now since she is old and has a lot of health issues I have to help her and take care of her and work and as much as I do love my mom there are days I am glad to be at work. That sounds terrible to say probaly. I always feel guilty but I am learning not to so much now. I am 64 and feel like I need everybody’s approval. My mom and me are there for each other. I guess the good does weigh out the negative things. I do have some of my mom’s good qualities. There is one thing I really do wish I could have and that is being so strong like her. I am not but am working on that. Right now we are both going through a very bad estrangement with my son and not seeing him and his three little girls. My mom is devastated especially. So right now I try to keep things cool between us because it is hard and sad and that right now is important to keep my mom ok with all this and me to. Wish things could of been some what different as a kid, but there is a lot I can’t do but am thankful I still have my mom because she is all I have now. Good luck to all
Bonnie, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in life and it also sounds, too, like you’re taking care of yourself and holding the boundaries that will best serve you. I know it is so difficult to face, but it really speaks to your commitment for healing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and share your experience. I’m sending you my very best. Warmly, Annie
I’m working through just expressing the hurt. I think I grew up thinking something is wrong with me for being hurt. And I haven’t allowed the hurt to be expressed. I’m not finding it easy. The process makes me guilty, as you wrote, angry, and also so frustrated that why could I not find a good therapist 20 years ago. Am also feeling sorry for my mom, because as I try to fill in the blanks in this dark cavern that is her past, I just assume something hurt her along the way. And also I just don’t want to be that person that can’t just be the most connected daughter.
Anyhow, we love our mothers a lot and that’s actually why it hurts.
Hi there, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing your experience. All of your feelings are valid and I’m so proud of you for doing the personal work to identify all of the thoughts and emotions you have about your mom. Deeply caring for someone who has contributed to our trauma histories can feel painful, but setting boundaries and processing feelings is essential to our healing. We are gradually increasing our capacity to tolerate more and move forward with our pain. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us. Thank you again and take such good care of yourself. Warmly, Annie.
Thank you so much for this article. Today I told a family member (my mothers sister) about some of the pain my mum had caused. My mum is not an awful woman, she tried, but she can be very selfish and self serving. When sharing my feelings And putting down the phone, I felt immense guilt as though I had betrayed my mother. Reading this has helped me feel a little more easy. Thank you for writing this.
Hi Olivia,
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I’m so glad that this article felt helpful. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to express them. You are not at all alone with this type of guilt and I hope that reading my words brought you some comfort. Sending you my best.
Warmly, Annie
This put things more into line. My mom is severely bipolar and has always been emotionally down. I remember as a kid always going to her room and seeing her cry. My dad passed away and she totally lost it. I was left to basically fend for myself. She drank, and didn’t care about anything. The abuse started a week after his passing. She treated me like dirt on the ground. I was 12 and didn’t know how to deal with my father passing and a emotionally unavailable mother. I didn’t have a lot of family. I never blamed my mom for abusing me mentally but now that I’m 17 I can’t help it. She has traumatized me in ways that can never be fixed. I like to think she will change but she never has. I hate feeling resentment towards her, I hate blaming her for my personal battles but she is the reason they got out there. I love her, she is my mom. Sometimes I just cant take it. Thank you for this article. Truly.
Hi Faelin,
Thank you for your comment and for your vulnerability in sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve gone through, you deserve to be loved and cared for. Please hear me when I say, healing from trauma like this is possible. I’d like to encourage you to seek support in dealing with all you’ve been through, whether that’s talking to a trusted friend, your school counselor or another family member. Please take good care of yourself, you’re so worth it.
Warmly, Annie
As an only child on a single mother, I grew up very alone. My mother was incacerated for a portion of my childhood and when she was released, we had to get to know each other all over again. It was a tough process! I went through a lot as a child because of her (that’s a different story). Throughout highschool and my undergraduate years, we were extremely close, she was my best friend. I thought that after I got married, we would drift apart but that was not the case. Being an only child meant I was close to my dog, she’s who I grew up with. In 2019 she developed a tumor and we had to euthanize her in 2020, that broke me. My mom was physically present at the vet’s office but not emotionally and that continued throughout my grieving process so we grew apart some because of that. Additonally, her mental health started declining in 2019 (schizophrenia) and episodes/hallucinations became more frequent and more severe. I encouraged her to go to her mental health professional, take her medications, etc to help manage it but she refused. Instead she would drink, skip appointments, and not sleep. I noticed she was losing weight and things were getting worse but considered my observations as side effects of her mental illness. Come last year, she stayed at the apartment with my husband and I and I found methamphetamine and a pipe in the room she was staying in. So many feelings ran through me. Anger, disappointment, betrayal, fear, regret, blame, sadness, confusion, etc. I felt like my childhood was repeating itself only this time I was an adult. I couldn’t believe she had been lying to me and hiding this from me. We used to tell each other everything. I also felt very stupid for defending her against other family members that accused her of doing drugs because she told me to my face that she promised she wasn’t doing drugs. I know that’s what addicts do, but you never expect your own mom to play you like that. It’s one thing to lie about it and hide it, and another to do drugs- but to bring it into my home, that was where I drew the line. I cut her off and haven’t had her in my life for the past year and it’s honestly been a lot more peaceful for me and for my marriage.
Hi D.J.,
Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us. I’m sorry to hear of the difficult relationship you’ve had with your mother, it sounds like an incredibly tough position to be in. It sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job creating boundaries with her to protect yourself and your marriage.
If I can support you through my online course – Hard Families, Good Boundaries – as you continue to uphold those boundaries, I’d love to work with you there. In the meantime, please know I’m sending you my very best.
Warmly, Annie
For the first time i told her the negative emotions i feel about her. I spoke of her toxic parenting styles. When my sister came back from school she asked how she is, she said she’s emotionally and physically drained. And emotionally i know it’s because of Me. The things i told her, how i felt about her. She said it too that she’s shocked and feels bad that she has been a bad mother,while she didn’t know she was. And i feel bad for that. It makes my heart aches so bad because i have never told her that nor made her feel like that about herself. I wish i kept quiet. I’m sorry 😭😭
Hi Sihle,
Thank you for taking the time to write and for your vulnerability in sharing. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now, please know that I’m sending you my very best.
Warmly, Annie
Hello! Thank you for the article. My story isn’t nearly as heavy as the comments but I find my relationship with my mother to be strained at the moment. My mom and me have a close relationship but recently, ive been feeling guilty about going out with friends and not spending s much time with her. Recently since I’ve been spending time with friends, she always tells me that, she “ a second option” in my life now. I’m in college and I decided to stay close to home, because of the close relationship I have with my mom, and because she cares for my grandmother( who was abusive to my mom in childhood)but I’m struggling with being understanding as to why she always gets annoyed when I decide to go out. I feel like I always have to choose between my mother, and a social life. I don’t want to cut off our relationship, but I struggle with the guilt.
Hi Agnes,
Thank you for sharing this. It’s understandable to feel torn between wanting to spend time with your mom and also needing space for your social life. The guilt you’re feeling is a common challenge in close relationships, especially when there’s a history of care and complexity involved.
It’s important to honor both your needs and your mom’s feelings. Balancing your relationship with her while also allowing yourself time with friends is key, though not always easy. Communicating openly with your mom about how much you value your relationship, while also expressing your need for personal time, might help reduce some of the guilt.
You’re navigating a difficult situation with care, and that’s something to acknowledge. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself.
Warmly,
Annie