Do any of these scenarios feel familiar? Did they make you angry or feel uncomfortable? Do they remind you of anyone you know? Each of these sample vignettes describes a narcissistic parent, or, rather, common actions a narcissistic parent may inflict upon their children.
And in each of these examples (assuming they’re not just one-off experiences), the impact of narcissistic parents on the children can be profound.
This is a painful, complex, and deeply important topic to talk about. The relational collateral damage of having been raised by a narcissistic father or mother can be vast, hugely impactful, and sometimes intergenerational in continuity. Especially if left unhealed and unaddressed by the adult child.
In today’s post, I’ll explain what defines a narcissistic parent and how this kind of parenting can affect children over time. I’ll also share suggestions and resources to support your recovery if you grew up with a narcissistic parent.
What defines a narcissistic parent?
It’s important to clarify that narcissism – excessive interest and pre-occupation in oneself – exists on a spectrum of severity. All of us as humans are narcissistic to some degree – and yes, there are narcissistic parents, too.
Sometimes narcissism is developmentally appropriate (think toddlers who still haven’t figured out the world doesn’t revolve around them). But for others who fall on the more severe end of the narcissism spectrum, or who possess the full criterion of narcissistic personality disorder, this would not be considered developmentally appropriate.
So there is narcissism as a trait (with variance falling across a wide spectrum). And then there is a narcissist, or, for the sake of this article, someone who meets the criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM).
The clinical criteria of someone with NPD include:
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique. And that only other special or high-status people (or institutions) can understand or should associate with them.
