This all-important B-word impacts every area of your life and if you weren’t taught and modeled good, functional boundaries growing up or if you’re in relationship with people who can’t or don’t respect your boundaries, then how you currently understand and hold your own personal boundaries may be negatively and pervasively impacting your life (not to mention the lives of your loved ones).

So in today’s blog post, I want to define what boundaries actually are, give examples of good and unhealthy boundaries (illustrating how boundaries impact nearly every area of our lives), and talk about what it takes to (re)learn and practice something different if you suspect you may have unhealthy boundaries in some areas (hint: it’s never too late to change this!).

So What Exactly *Are* Boundaries?

I’m sure most of us, when quizzed, will be able to somewhat know and understand what they generally are. A sign that says “Do Not Enter”, a fence that separates your neighbor’s property from yours, city, state, and country lines, hours of operation for a business, all of these are all well-understood (and fairly obvious) examples of spatial and logistical boundaries that most of us more or less accept, respect, and understand.

But when it comes to our personal lives, boundaries become much more subtle, nuanced, and complex which is why my favorite definition of boundaries in the therapeutic context comes from educator and clinical consultant, Pia Mellody, a pioneer in the field of recovery, codependence, and the effects of abuse on childhood development. Her definition  states that:

“Boundary systems are invisible and symbolic “fences” that have three purposes: 1. to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us 2. to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them 3. to give each of us a way to embody our sense of “who we are.”

She continues by saying that boundaries are external and internal, and fall across four major categories: physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual (and in some lectures of hers I’ve also heard her refer to “intellectual” boundaries – a category I’ll also be talking about in today’s post).

These internal and external boundaries across all categories are not static, they’re dynamic – meaning they constantly change depending on the contexts we find ourselves in during the day. Not only that, but we’re also responsible for not only knowing and holding our own good, functional boundaries, but also responsible for sensing and respecting (and not violating!) the boundaries of others.