“It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; it’s the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time.” — David Allan Coe
Think of your psychological life as a proverbial house.
When it comes to how and why early relational trauma can be so damaging and detrimental to the individual who endures it, I often like to use the metaphor of “the house of life” with my clients and my online course students to help them understand both the impact of what they endured as well as the criticality of doing their relational trauma recovery work now.
So, think of life like a proverbial house.
When we’re building a new house the first step is, of course, to lay a solid foundation so that we can build sound, sturdy floors on top of it.
But what makes a strong “house” foundation in childhood?
Do you come from a relational trauma background?
Take this 5-minute quiz to find out (and more importantly, what to do about it if you do.)
START THE QUIZ
What makes a strong “house” foundation in childhood?
When it comes to our early psychological development, the analogous “strong foundation” we would ideally receive and have laid down as infants and children would be a foundation hallmarked by secure attachments, consistent and responsive caregiving, and a nurturing environment.
Research has consistently shown that secure attachment in infancy is crucial for healthy psychological development.
Secure attachment, as you know, is formed when a caregiver (or caregivers) is responsive to an infant’s biological and emotional needs, providing a sense of safety and security.
Consistent and responsive caregiving also plays a vital role in building this proverbial foundation.
This kind of caregiving – similar to secure attachment but slightly different – helps in the development of secure attachments and emotional regulation, which are essential for later success in relationships and personal well-being.
Additionally, a nurturing environment that includes stimulation, safety, and positive reinforcement is essential for healthy development.
These elements—a secure attachment, consistent and responsive caregiving, and a nurturing environment— lay a firm foundation that supports the psychological well-being of infants and children.
All of this, these critical ingredients, enables them to grow into resilient and emotionally healthy adults who can then, proverbially, build more and more “floors on top of their house of life.”
What do floors in this analogy mean?
Floors are like additional (often heavily relational) responsibilities in the form of dating, mating and parenting; career progression and advancement; sound financial management; healthy friendships, and so much more.
But what happens if you don’t get these needs met?
What happens if the proverbial foundation of your “house of life” is not sound because you endured relational trauma?
What happens to the floors you try and build then?
How early relational trauma damages the foundation of our house.
Many trauma thought leaders and advances in neuroimaging have shown us how profound and detrimental the impacts of enduring early relational trauma experiences can be.
The work of one of my favorite trauma clinicians – Allan Schore, Ph.D. – emphasizes that secure attachment, consistent emotional availability, attunement, and safety are crucial for the development of the brain’s right hemisphere, which governs emotional regulation and social interaction.
Research by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. highlights that chronic trauma – including relational trauma – can alter the brain’s architecture, specifically affecting the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus, impairing emotional regulation, heightening stress responses, and disrupting memory processing.
Another one of my favorite clinical thought leaders – Judith Herman, M.D. – points out in her research that children who endure relational trauma often develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to manage their distress (pervasive feelings of shame, distrust, and abandonment), prompting maladaptive behaviors like dissociation, self-harm, and substance abuse.
These impacts – underdeveloped capacities for emotional regulation and social interaction, heightened stress responses, disrupted memory processing, pervasive feelings of shame and distrust, etc – illustrate how profound “cracks” can develop in our proverbial psychological foundation should we endure relational trauma.
Early relational trauma, in other words, damages the foundation of our house which, I personally and professionally believe, makes life in later years feel harder.
How does early relational trauma make life feel harder later?
Those proverbial cracks in the foundation make the base of our proverbial house less able to more appropriately bear the weight of added floors (floors being analogous to added responsibilities, more demanding relationships, advanced life stressors).
For example: an adult who endured relational trauma as a young girl—let’s call her Jane—who was raised by a narcissistic father and a mother with dependent personality disorder will likely develop a host of maladaptive beliefs and behaviors through childhood and adolescence as a result.
Jane might have pervasive unconscious maladaptive beliefs such as:
“The only way to get approval is to be perfect and be a good girl.”
“I need to take care of their needs first so I don’t get rejected.”
These internal scripts, these patterns running the show, manifest as chronic perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors in Jane’s adult life.
She strives to excel in her career, often working long hours and taking on more responsibilities than she can handle.
Jane avoids making mistakes at all costs, fearing that any imperfection might lead to rejection or criticism.
This behavior leads to chronic stress, burnout, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy despite her accomplishments.
Additionally, Jane frequently neglects her own needs to prioritize those of others, especially in her personal relationships.
She goes out of her way to ensure her partner, friends, and colleagues are happy, often at the expense of her well-being.
She finds it difficult to set boundaries and say no, leading to emotional exhaustion and resentment.
This behavior stems from her fear of abandonment and the belief that her worth is contingent upon serving others.
By the time Jane reaches her mid-30s, these coping mechanisms become untenable.
She feels mentally, emotionally, and physically at the edge of what she can endure. Something has to give.
Jane is feeling those proverbial “cracks in the foundation of her house of life” more…
By the time she arrives into the start of her mid-life, the house isn’t feeling so sturdy.
In fact it feels like it’s ready to cave in.
Jane’s work now is to go back and do the foundational work to repair the foundation of her “house of life” so that she can make it all feel sturdier and more tenable.
So, without a doubt, enduring early relational trauma can damage the foundation of our house but, also without a doubt, it is possible to repair the proverbial foundation of our house of life that may have been damaged by relational trauma.
This is what I do day in and day out in my work with my therapy clients.
And now I’d love to hear from you:
Did this analogy help you better understand why and how early relational trauma can be so impactful especially as you take on more responsibilities (aka: floors of your house)?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Finally, as you contemplate beginning relational trauma therapy to recover from your own trauma symptoms, I would strongly encourage you to work with a licensed mental health professional who is also trained in an evidence-based trauma modality (like EMDR).
If you live in either California or Florida, and you would like tailored, expert support, either myself or my talented team of childhood trauma clinicians at my boutique, trauma-informed therapy center – Evergreen Counseling – can be of support to you.
Please just book a complimentary 20-minute consult call with our center’s clinical intake director and she can match you to an relational trauma therapist on our team who is the best fit for you clinically, relationally, and logistically (and it very well may be me who is the best fit for you as a therapist!).
And, no matter where you live in the world, sign up to be the first to know when my comprehensive multimedia online program, Overcoming Relational Trauma: The Course, launches in January 2025.
Finally, if you’re still not sure if this content applies to you, if you’re still not sure if you come from a relational trauma history and may deal with childhood trauma symptoms, I would invite you to take my signature quiz – “Do I come from a relational trauma background?”
It’s a 5-minute, 25-question quiz I created that can be incredibly illuminating and will point you in the direction of a wide variety of resources that can be of further help to you.
Plus, when you take the quiz, you’ll be added to my mailing list where you’ll receive twice-a-month letters from me sharing original, high-quality essays (with accompanying YouTube videos and audios you can stream) devoted to the topic of childhood trauma recovery and where I share more about me as a person, my life, and how I’m deep along on my own childhood trauma recovery journey.
My newsletters are the only place where I share intimate glimpses into my life (including photos), the resources that are supporting me, the things I’ve discovered that delight me, words that are uplifting me, the practices that nourish me, etc.
So please be sure to sign up for my mailing list whether or not you want to take the quiz as it’s the best way to be in touch with me and hear all the things I only share with my newsletter subscribers.
So thank you.
And until next time, please take such good care of yourself. You’re so worth it.
Warmly, Annie
References
- Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Winterheld, H. A. (2021). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. In J. A. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed., pp. 1-26). Guilford Press.
- Schore, A. N. (2000). Attachment and the regulation of the right brain. Attachment & Human Development, 2(1), 23-47. Retrieved from https://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreAttachHumDev.pdf
- van der Kolk, B. (n.d.). How trauma affects the body and brain. Retrieved from https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/blog/how-trauma-affects-the-body-and-brain
- Herman, J. (2023). Trauma and recovery. Retrieved from https://www.lacheim.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Judith-Herman-Trauma-and-Recovery.pdf
Annie, you have helped me so much over the years. I read all of your posts! Thank you so much for sharing your insights with US!
Your post really resonated with me today. I am (and continue to) strengthen the foundation of my house. And yes, it wasn’t sexy (devastating process) to look at all that needed to be dealt with. I did find a BIG bogeyman there too! It was terrifying.
However, I did find a lot of treasures in my basement too!
By the way, I’m am and continue to be the scapegoat in my family of origin.
I am now NO Contact with all of them. The best and hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I’m still fixing cracks and leaks. Thank you for reminding me how critical this is to my recovery.
There’s a lady in an online support group I participate in that posted something like this…I no longer think of myself as a scapegoat but rather an Escaped goat. The basement of my house (the foundation so to speak) is where I learned much wisdom. I too am now an escaped goat, stubborn goat (superpower-persistent), angry goat at times – (superpower -speak up when I have to, hopefully without losing my cool!)…it’s all good stuff I found in the basement. By the way, I am also a Fierce Goat – one more superpower I found in the basement!
And OOF, this is a big one, I’m also decorating my house now! I guess we can’t skip steps…as hard as it is to fix the foundation, that IS where we must start. Later we can decorate our beautiful NEW house!
Lise
It hurts to read this post. I read a few lines then step away. I read the examples to my spouse and ask if this sounds like me. And, of course, it does. I’m so proud of the beautiful life I’ve made and still so sad that I’ve had to struggle and try hard to be perfect. Just today I had to reset a boundary with a friend and my chest was so tight, I could barely get the words out. I found myself wondering if this was even a friendship I wanted. Am I friends with this person just because I feel as though it’s my duty to be good and kind to everyone? When will it be my turn? Can’t wait for your new course in Jan 2025! Thank you!