Ambivalence about having children is a tender, complex, and often confusing place to be in — a little bit akin to having a giant, wickedly tangled big ball of woolly yarn that may or may not have an answer in the middle of it… if only you could get it untangled!

So today’s blog post is for anyone who’s possibly ambivalent about having children and asking themselves the above questions. To help you untangle your own messy ball of yarn and arrive at some clarity about your ambivalence, I’m going to ask a series of questions, the same questions I might use for any of my therapy and coaching clients.

And if you’re one of my readers who’s not ambivalent about having children – maybe you’re crystal clear you do or don’t want them, or maybe you even have children already – I still encourage you to read the post to learn some inquiries and questions that might help out someone you know and love who is feeling ambivalent and very confused. Consider it a cheat sheet to help you know what to empathetically say and ask. For the next time your little sister/friend/college roommate vulnerably discloses that she’s possibly-maybe ambivalent about having kids…

So grab yourself a cup of tea and keep reading…

First, Some Compassion.

Before we dive into the list of inquiries I’ve crafted to help you untangle the wicked, wooly ball of your possible ambivalence about having children, I want to pause for a minute and acknowledge how tender, complex, challenging, and potentially isolating being in the position of asking this question may feel.

Not being sure if you want to have children is a question that, at least until recently, hasn’t gotten much airtime or validation from society collectively. In many parts of the world and in many parts of this country, it’s still a basic assumption. “Of course you’ll want to grow up and have children, right?” Wrong. Or, at least, wrong for some.

Increasingly, more and more men and women are choosing to not have children for a variety of reasons. But still, many of these men and women find that their decision flies in the face of collectively-assumed biological normalcy and social conditioning.

Largely, we still hold some pervasive and big assumptions that having children is a default. Many people assume that if you don’t want children, there must be something wrong with you. Or that you can’t have children/the choice is forced/it’s a sad decision/you’ll change your mind. Or you’ll ultimately regret it/your partner/spouse will resent you/you’re an outlier, etc. Heck, even Pope Francis reified this belief and not-so-subtly shamed those who don’t want to have children by calling them selfish earlier this year. Sheesh.