Cultivating creative moments of healing for yourself.
Cultivating creative moments of healing for yourself.
Family Dynamics & Boundaries • June 26, 2022
SUMMARY
You carry relational trauma that quietly shapes your sense of self and your relationships, leaving parts of your emotional life inaccessible to words alone and demanding a healing approach rooted in both clarity and compassion. Active grieving is the courageous practice of fully sitting with your raw feelings of loss or jealousy—not to get stuck, but to understand what you needed and how you might reclaim lost parts of yourself through honest emotional engagement. Cultivating intentional creative moments—whether through painting, writing, dancing, or cooking—provides a uniquely powerful path to access and heal parts of yourself that talk therapy alone cannot reach, unlocking deeper layers of recovery in your relational trauma journey. You may carry unspoken relational trauma that quietly shapes your emotional life, making it hard to access and express the parts of yourself that long for healing beyond what words alone can reach. Cultivating intentional creative moments—like painting, writing, or dancing—engages your body and right brain, offering a powerful way to process trauma that bypasses defenses talk therapy can’t always break through.
Active grieving is the intentional practice of fully feeling and expressing your feelings of loss, sadness, or jealousy instead of pushing them away or minimizing them. It’s not about getting stuck in your pain, wallowing, or rushing to ‘move on’ as if healing is a linear, tidy process. For you, active grieving is a radical act of self-honesty and courage—it means sitting with your uncomfortable feelings long enough to learn what they’re trying to teach you about what you needed, what you lost, and how you might reclaim parts of yourself. This practice matters here because it creates the emotional space that lets your creative healing moments take root, connecting your raw emotional truth with deeper, nonverbal work that therapy alone can’t always unlock. It’s less about fixing and more about listening—listening to your grief as a guide toward healing.
You carry relational trauma that quietly shapes your sense of self and your relationships, leaving parts of your emotional life inaccessible to words alone and demanding a healing approach rooted in both clarity and compassion.
Active grieving is the courageous practice of fully sitting with your raw feelings of loss or jealousy—not to get stuck, but to understand what you needed and how you might reclaim lost parts of yourself through honest emotional engagement.
Cultivating intentional creative moments—whether through painting, writing, dancing, or cooking—provides a uniquely powerful path to access and heal parts of yourself that talk therapy alone cannot reach, unlocking deeper layers of recovery in your relational trauma journey.
Active grieving is the intentional process of fully feeling and expressing your feelings of loss, sadness, or jealousy instead of pushing them away or minimizing them. It’s not about wallowing or staying stuck in pain, nor is it a quick fix or a way to ‘get over it’ fast. Instead, active grieving means sitting with your raw, uncomfortable feelings long enough to learn what they want to teach you — about what you needed, what you lost, and how you might reclaim parts of yourself. For you, this practice is a radical act of self-honesty and courage that unlocks the creative healing moments this post invites you to cultivate. It’s the bridge between your emotional truth and the deeper, nonverbal work that creative expression can carry.
You may carry unspoken relational trauma that quietly shapes your emotional life, making it hard to access and express the parts of yourself that long for healing beyond what words alone can reach.
Cultivating intentional creative moments—like painting, writing, or dancing—engages your body and right brain, offering a powerful way to process trauma that bypasses defenses talk therapy can’t always break through.
Using feelings like jealousy as a catalyst, you can practice active grieving alongside creative expression to unlock new layers of healing that deepen your recovery in ways that feel both vulnerable and essential.
Healing doesn’t only happen on the therapist‘s couch. For driven women navigating relational trauma recovery, cultivating intentional creative moments — painting, writing, dancing, cooking, making anything — can provide a uniquely powerful path to the parts of yourself that words alone can’t reach. This post explores why creative expression matters in trauma recovery, how to start even when it feels self-indulgent or impossible, and what these moments of creative healing can unlock.
I mentioned, too, that if you feel jealousy and if you feel so inclined, you can use your feelings as a catalyst to deepen your healing work – both through active grieving and also cultivating creative moments of healing for yourself as an adult.
(And I want to mention that intentionally using your jealousy – regardless of whether you come from a relational trauma background or regardless of whether or not you have kids – is a healing intervention that nearly all of us could benefit from.)
But what does cultivating creative moments of healing even mean? And why is this important and why should you even bother?
Today’s essay explores all of these questions. Plus, I share some concrete examples from my own life that have helped me cultivate creative moments of healing in my own relational trauma recovery journey.
What does cultivating creative moments of healing mean?
DEFINITIONRELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
I first learned about the concept of deliberately creating healing moments from the late, incredible Gestalt psychotherapist Mariah Fenton Gladis.
Expressive Arts Therapy
Expressive arts therapy is a therapeutic approach that uses creative processes — including visual art, movement, music, writing, and drama — to access and process emotional and psychological material that may be difficult to reach through talk therapy alone. It works particularly well for trauma because it engages the body and right brain, bypassing some of the defenses that words can reinforce.
I was privileged to attend one of her workshops at Esalen. She crafted “moments of exact healing” for workshop participants (myself included) who were wrestling with pains and deep griefs.
It was beautiful to witness her work: to see how she would physically arrange group participants in ways that mirrored family of origin dynamics for the person in the “hot seat” and to have them say out loud the very thing that a person most longed to hear and what would happen emotionally after this occurred.
These exact moments of healing took place in a controlled setting under the guidance of a licensed, skilled professional. And they were profound.
But these exact moments of healing don’t have to just happen in group therapy or one-on-one therapy settings.
As I’ve come to understand and define them, cultivating creative moments of healing can also look like noticing, seeking out, and intentionally making happen the literal actions, tasks, opportunities, and experiences that provide some of what we may not have received in childhood.
These experiences of creative moments of healing can be big or small.
They can happen when you’re alone or with others.
Shift and change or remain the same for years.
Take effort, time, and money, or nearly none at all.
And there are as many ideas and possibilities for creative moments of healing as there are people on the planet.
But to help catalyze your thinking about what cultivating creative moments of healing could look like for you, some ideas might include the following:
Maybe you were never provided a calming, regular, and reliable bedtime routine and evening tuck-in as a child. A reparative experience for you now as an adult in your healing journey coming from a relational trauma background could look like: Giving this to yourself! Create a calming, regular bedtime routine. (Maybe with a lovie and mug of hot milk.) And literally tucking yourself into bed. (Or having your partner do this for you if you feel comfortable with them doing this).
Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
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Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. This quiz reveals the childhood patterns keeping you running — and why enough is never enough.
Maybe you were never given the opportunity to feel safe, secure, and protected in your home and neighborhood. A reparative experience for you now as an adult in your healing journey coming from a relational trauma background could look like: Taking a self-defense course. Or installing additional deadbolts on your home doors. Or even befriending your local neighborhood police officers.
Maybe you never got to experience the fierce, wise, strong protection of a parent. A reparative experience for you now as an adult in your healing journey coming from a relational trauma background could look like: paying for re-fathering that can give you the experience of this protection in some ways, or assigning yourself specific TV shows and movies where protective, wise, loving fathers defend their children against all odds. And allowing this external modeling to touch you and inspire your own inner fathering.
Maybe you never got the experience of spacious, open-ended joyful play that is every child’s right. A reparative experience for you now as an adult in your healing journey coming from a relational trauma background could look like: Getting curious about what brings you joy, what lights up your body. And then deliberately seeking out play and fun – solo, with friends, or even parallel play with your child.
Maybe your family was never financially stable enough to get you what you dearly wanted for Christmas one year (or all of the years of your youth). A reparative experience for you now as an adult in your healing journey coming from a relational trauma background could look like: literally buying that very thing for yourself now. (Side note: I did this this past Christmas for my daughter when I bought her a dreamy, heirloom-quality hardwood dollhouse. She and I have played with it every day since. And I can’t tell you how healing and fun this feels for me!)
And this list of creative moments of healing is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg!
Why is cultivating creative moments of healing so important?
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Whatever and however your own creative moments of healing look, the goal is for you to internalize these healing activities, experiences, and relationships and let them “fill in” some of your missed-out-on developmental gaps so that they can provide you with the experiences and tools to ultimately become your own “good enough inner parent.”
Ultimately, becoming your own “good enough inner parent” is THE therapeutic work. The lifelong work of most of us have to do. And certainly the lion’s share of the work for those who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
Becoming your own good enough inner parent entails recognizing what you, perhaps, developmentally lacked as a child/adolescent/young adult. Grieving what you missed out on. And then providing for yourself actively and deliberately what you may need and want in order to heal and thrive in your adult life now.
Again, and again for as long as it takes to nourish and safeguard the little child inside of you.
How do I know what creative moments of healing I need for myself?
You may already know some of what you need simply by reading this essay.
But if you’re stumped, I’ll invite you to consider the following prompts:
What came up for you when you read those above vignettes about what creative healing moments could look like? Did anything resonate or prompt some ideas for you?
What do you long for the most that your child (if you have any) has now?
When (if at all) do you get jealous or envious of the friends and acquaintances in your life? What do you know about those jealousy triggers and what they might point to?
When you reflect back on your childhood, what were some of the biggest deficits in your upbringing? Touch, verbal affirmation, physical safety, financial stability?
What touches you, moves you, and makes you cry when you see a child – in real life or on TV or in the movies – receiving something (love, time, attention, play, etc) from their parents or others?
If money were no object, what would you do to give yourself the adult equivalent of a safe, stable, loved childhood?
Integrating Creative Healing Moments in Trauma Therapy
When you bring your experiments with creative healing moments into therapy—sharing how you finally bought yourself that chemistry set or created an elaborate bedtime ritual—you’re not reporting childish indulgences but profound reparative work, discovering that learning how to remother yourself happens through both professional guidance and daily creative interventions.
Your trauma-informed therapist helps you identify which developmental gaps need attention by tracking patterns: the rage when seeing children comforted points to missing soothing, the tears during father-protection scenes reveal absent safety, the jealousy of others’ financial literacy exposes educational neglect. Together, you design specific healing experiments—not random self-care but targeted reparative experiences addressing precise developmental deficits.
The therapeutic process involves processing both the healing and the grief these moments evoke—because tucking yourself in tonight simultaneously soothes current you and breaks the heart of child-you who went to bed alone and afraid. Your therapist holds space for this complexity, helping you understand that tears while playing with your child’s dollhouse aren’t regression but integration, that taking self-defense classes isn’t paranoia but creating bodily safety never provided. Through discussing your experiments, you refine what works: maybe financial planning courses feel empowering while bedtime routines feel forced, leading to customized approaches that honor your unique history.
Most powerfully, therapy helps you recognize that these creative moments aren’t consolation prizes for a stolen childhood but active construction of internal resources—each reparative experience literally builds neural pathways of safety, care, and worth that weren’t laid down developmentally.
Your therapist celebrates as you report sleeping better after establishing bedtime rituals, feeling safer after self-defense training, experiencing joy through play, understanding that you’re not just healing the past but actively becoming the good enough parent to yourself that you always deserved, one creative moment at a time.
It would be a greater tragedy if you didn’t get to have a good adulthood now.
But as long as we have breath in our bodies, we can still consciously and deliberately work to give ourselves the most beautiful adulthood possible.
And so, doing the work to be curious about what creative moments of healing we need and then working deliberately and actively to give this to ourselves is very important work.
Particularly and especially if we come from relational trauma histories.
And now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What are one or two examples of creative moments of healing that you’ve provided for yourself in the past? What one or two examples of creative moments of healing are you inspired to try and give yourself after reading today’s essay?
Please, if you feel so inclined, leave a message in the comments below. Our monthly blog readership of 20,000 plus people can benefit from your wisdom and experience.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
Free Quiz
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;t laid down developmentally.
Your therapist celebrates as you report sleeping better after establishing bedtime rituals, feeling safer after self-defense training, experiencing joy through play, understanding that you&#
;re not just healing the past but actively becoming the good enough parent to yourself that you always deserved, one creative moment at a time.
How can I find time for healing when my life is so busy and demanding?
Healing doesn’t always require large blocks of time. Even small, intentional moments of creative expression can be profoundly restorative. Consider integrating brief creative practices into your daily routine, like journaling for five minutes or listening to a calming playlist during your commute. These micro-moments accumulate, offering significant emotional release and grounding.
I know I need to heal, but traditional therapy feels overwhelming. Are there other ways to start?
Absolutely. Healing is a deeply personal journey, and traditional therapy is just one path. Creative moments, such as painting, writing, or even mindful movement, can offer a gentle entry point into processing emotions and fostering self-discovery. These activities provide a safe space to explore your inner world without the pressure of formal sessions.
Why do I struggle to be creative, even though I know it could help me heal?
Many driven, ambitious women experience a block with creativity, often stemming from a fear of imperfection or a belief that creativity must be ‘productive.’ Remember, creative healing isn’t about producing a masterpiece; it’s about the process itself. Allow yourself to experiment without judgment, focusing on the release and joy it brings, rather than the outcome.
Is it really possible to heal deep emotional wounds through creative activities?
Yes, creative activities can be incredibly powerful tools for healing deep emotional wounds. They provide a non-verbal outlet for expressing complex feelings, allowing you to process trauma and neglect in a way that words sometimes cannot. Engaging creatively helps to integrate fragmented experiences, fostering a sense of wholeness and emotional regulation.
I feel guilty taking time for myself to do creative things. How can I overcome this?
The guilt you feel is a common response, especially for those accustomed to prioritizing others or productivity. Recognize that dedicating time to creative healing is not selfish; it’s an essential act of self-preservation and self-compassion. By nurturing your own well-being, you become more resilient and present in all areas of your life, ultimately benefiting those around you.
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Creative moments of healing are deliberate reparative experiences that specifically address what was missing in childhood. Unlike general self-care (bubble baths, exercise), these target precise developmental gaps—creating the bedtime routine you never had, buying the toy poverty denied you, seeking the protection that was absent.
Both are valuable. While therapy provides crucial professional guidance and witnessing, many healing moments happen outside the therapy room—tucking yourself in, taking self-defense classes, creating financial security. The combination of professional support and daily reparative experiences creates comprehensive healing.
Notice what triggers jealousy in others' lives, what makes you cry when you see children receiving it, what you long for when watching your own children, and what represents your childhood's biggest deficits. These emotional reactions are breadcrumbs leading to your specific healing needs.
Absolutely not. Buying that dollhouse, train set, or art supplies you couldn't have is profound healing work. You're not being childish—you're deliberately addressing developmental gaps and proving to your inner child that their needs matter now.
That's normal and even necessary. Providing what was missing often initially intensifies grief for what you didn't receive then. This grief is part of the healing—acknowledging the loss while simultaneously creating new, reparative experiences that gradually fill those gaps.
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