TL;DR –Covert narcissism hides behind masks of shyness, selflessness, or victimhood while secretly seeking the same admiration and control as overt narcissists—think Taylor Swift's lyric about "covert narcissism disguised as altruism." Unlike grandiose narcissists who demand center stage, covert narcissists manipulate through playing victim, gaslighting, passive-aggressive punishment, and projection while maintaining plausible deniability about their behavior. Growing up with a covertly narcissistic parent leaves specific wounds: difficulty setting boundaries after years of manipulation, chronic self-doubt from gaslighting, emotional starvation from lack of empathy, and attraction to similar dynamics in adult relationships because dysfunction feels familiar.
The subtlety makes it particularly crazy-making—you sense something's wrong but can't name it, especially when the narcissist positions themselves as selfless martyr while emotionally manipulating everyone around them. Recognition brings relief and grief simultaneously: finally understanding why you felt unseen despite your parent's constant victim narrative, why you struggle trusting your perceptions after years of having reality questioned, why you're hypervigilant about others' emotional states after being held responsible for a parent's feelings. Healing requires grieving the parent you needed but never had while learning boundaries, self-trust, and recognizing healthy relationships—stopping the cycle of going to the hardware store for milk.
My four-year-old daughter absolutely loves Taylor Swift.
(I’m not joking.)
The first time she ever heard “Shake it Off” she wiggled her little body around the whole house.
I didn’t really listen to Taylor Swift while growing up. But we’re now a full-fledged Swiftie household with her albums on repeat on Spotify.
When she came out with her most recent album – Midnights – there was one song in particular that grabbed my attention when I streamed it for my daughter: Anti-Hero.
In it, Taylor croons:
“Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman?”
The first time I heard it, I paused and restarted the track.
Did she say covert narcissism?
She did!
That was easily the biggest platform I’ve seen highlighting that term and yet many individuals who read this blog cite the narcissism of their parents or spouses as a source of pain and confusion they want to heal from.
And so, today, I want to devote this essay to exploring what it is, how it shows up, what the impacts of it can be, and why it matters to talk about this, especially for those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
Covert Narcissism: understanding and healing from its effects.
Narcissism is a term that is, more than ever, commonly used in our everyday language.
However, it’s important to bear in mind that the definition of narcissism can vary based on the context in which it is used.
In my field, narcissism is defined and characterized by an excessive love or admiration of oneself, often to the detriment of others.
Within this definition, it’s important to realize that actions and behaviors resulting from narcissistic tendencies encompass an extensive spectrum – from overt, grandiose expressions to more covert, unobtrusive forms.
Covert narcissism, a subtle and often insidious form of self-absorption, often lurks undetected beneath the surface of seemingly cordial interactions which is how and why it can be so difficult to spot but yet still so impactful.
In this essay, I’ll explore what exactly it is, share examples of narcissistic behavior, how to recognize it, probable causes, the impacts of having someone with covert narcissism in your life, and, most importantly, how to heal from its effects.
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START THE QUIZWhat exactly is covert narcissism?
Characterized by a person’s inclination to cloak their narcissistic traits, covert narcissism stands in stark contrast to its overt counterpart, which is marked by grandiosity and attention-seeking behavior.
It may seem paradoxical that covert narcissists often portray themselves as introverted, shy, or even selfless individuals when in reality, their motivations are deeply rooted in an ardent desire for admiration, attention, and control within their relationships.
Some examples of covert narcissism.
While covert narcissistic behavior can be challenging to spot, some of the common signs and signals might include:
- Playing the victim. Covert narcissists often position themselves as the victim in situations, seeking attention and validation from others including from their children.
- Gaslighting. They may manipulate others into doubting their own experiences or perceptions, often to maintain control and/or influence over them.
- Lack of empathy. They may struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others. They instead prioritize their own feelings and needs.
- Passive-aggressive behavior. They may use subtle tactics, such as withholding affection or giving someone the silent treatment in order to control and manipulate them.
- Projection. Covert narcissists may project their own faults, insecurities, and shortcomings onto others, often to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior and vulnerabilities.
And these are just a handful of the ways that it can manifest.
What are the causes?
Most of us in our relational trauma journeys will, at some point, ask this question. “Why is this person the way that they are?”
When it comes to it, the origins are complex and unique to every individual in the same way that any constellation of manifested mental health symptomology is a complicated confluence of variables.
But, speaking in broad strokes, a myriad of factors can contribute to the development of narcissistic tendencies. Childhood experiences often take center stage.
For instance, in an attempt to navigate through the pain and insecurity arising from traumatizing events or neglect, some individuals may turn to narcissism as a coping mechanism. In other words, it results from wounding.
On the other end of the spectrum, a hyper-affectionate upbringing involving overly generous praise and inappropriate coddling may inadvertently breed an inflated sense of self-worth, ultimately manifesting as narcissistic behavior.
It can be helpful to ask the question of what causes this in someone. But I think the more important question by far is this. “What are the impacts of having been raised by a covert narcissist? How did this impact me?”
What are the impacts of having been raised by a covert narcissist?
This may go without saying, but growing up with a parent who has covert narcissism can have a significant impact on a child’s development and well-being.
Although the effects of it can be subtle, they can be just as damaging as those of overt narcissism.
Below are some common impacts:
- Difficulty establishing boundaries. Children of covert narcissists may struggle to establish healthy boundaries. Their parent may have manipulated and controlled them throughout their childhood. This leaves them with a lack of or distorted understanding of their boundaries and the boundaries of others.
- Low self-esteem. They may project their insecurities onto their children, leaving them feeling inadequate or unworthy.
- Lack of emotional support. They may struggle with empathy, making it difficult for them to respond to their children’s emotional needs. This can leave children feeling isolated, unsupported, and mis- and un-attuned to.
- Gaslighting. They may use gaslighting tactics to control and manipulate their children. This makes it difficult for them to trust their own experiences and perceptions as they move through the world.
- Emotional manipulation. Covert narcissists may use emotional manipulation to control their children. This leaves them feeling guilty or responsible for their parent’s feelings and behavior.
- Invalidation. Covert narcissists may invalidate their children’s emotions and experiences, dismissing or minimizing their feelings and needs, effectively teaching a child that they don’t matter.
- Intense criticism. They may be highly critical of their children, leaving them feeling like they can never meet their parent’s expectations.
- Fear of abandonment. They may use threats of abandonment or withdrawal of affection to control their children. This leaves them feeling anxious, insecure, and insecurely attached.
- Difficulty forming healthy relationships. Children of covert narcissists may struggle recognizing healthy, functional behavior in others and instead be drawn to familiar, templated examples of covert narcissistic behavior in their friends, romantic relationships, and more.
And this is just a sample of the impacts that a child can experience.
So why does any of this matter? Why talk about it?
Because, as readers of my blog have long heard me say, when we can name a thing plainly and see it more clearly, we become more aware of ourselves and others and are more equipped to make better more functional choices in our lives.
Choices like getting ourselves into therapy to heal from the impacts of having grown up with a parent who was covertly narcissistic.
Or choices like strengthening our boundaries – including who we let into our life, what kind of communication we allow towards us, etc.
Choices like being mindful of our own communication patterns. Being conscious of not replicating the poor patterns we saw modeled while growing up.
Understanding Covert Narcissism as a Key to Relational Healing
And, moreover, talking about it and seeing it more plainly should anyone in our childhood or adult life present in this way, allows us to grieve what we didn’t receive and stop proverbially going to the hardware store for milk.
All of which is critical to our relational trauma recovery journeys.
So, if you resonated with today’s article, if a lightbulb went off for you as you read about what it is and what it can look like, and you recognize yourself in the list of impacts, I’d love to encourage you to seek out professional mental health support.
Being raised by (or currently partnered to) a covert narcissist can have damaging impacts. But change is possible until the day we die if we’re willing to do the work of grieving, meaning making, and re-learning any missed developmental milestones.
Recognizing and Healing From Covert Narcissistic Abuse
When you finally recognize the covert narcissism that shaped your childhood, therapy provides the crucial space to untangle gaslighting from reality, manipulation from love, and your authentic self from the roles you played to survive a parent’s emotional vampirism.
A trauma-informed therapist understands that covert narcissistic abuse creates specific wounds: the confusion of being blamed for a parent’s emotions while simultaneously being ignored, the crazy-making experience of obvious manipulation denied with wounded innocence, the exhaustion of managing a parent’s feelings while yours were dismissed as inconvenient.
Through therapy, you begin to understand how the impacts of being raised by a borderline mother or narcissistic parent created survival strategies that now sabotage adult relationships—people-pleasing to avoid abandonment, hypervigilance about others’ moods, difficulty trusting your own perceptions after years of reality being rewritten.
The therapeutic work involves both grief and reconstruction: mourning the parent who couldn’t truly see you while building the self-trust systematically destroyed through gaslighting. Your therapist helps you recognize how passive-aggressive punishment trained you to fear boundaries, how emotional manipulation made you responsible for others’ feelings, how projection taught you to accept blame for problems you didn’t create.
Together, you practice identifying manipulation in real-time, setting boundaries without guilt, and recognizing that someone playing victim doesn’t make you the villain—essential skills when covert narcissists excel at recruiting others to their narrative of martyrdom.
Most powerfully, therapy provides the consistent, non-manipulative relationship that proves different dynamics exist. Your therapist doesn’t withdraw affection when you disagree, doesn’t make you responsible for their emotional state, doesn’t rewrite history when confronted with their mistakes.
Through this corrective experience, you gradually internalize that healthy relationships involve mutual responsibility, that love doesn’t require self-erasure, and that recognizing it in others—and potentially yourself—isn’t cruel but necessary for creating relationships based on genuine empathy rather than hidden agendas disguised as selflessness.
If today’s essay resonated with you, if you learned something new from it, I’d be delighted to hear from you in the comments below.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
