When she came out with her most recent album – Midnights – there was one song in particular that grabbed my attention when I streamed it for my daughter: Anti-Hero. In it, Taylor croons: “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism, like some kind of congressman?”
The first time I heard it, I paused and restarted the track.
Did she say covert narcissism?
She did!
That was easily the biggest platform I’ve seen highlighting that term. And yet, many individuals who read this blog or come to relational trauma recovery therapy with me cite the covert narcissism of their parents or spouses as a source of pain and confusion they want to heal from.
And so, today, I want to devote this essay to exploring what covert narcissism is, how it shows up, what the impacts of it can be, and why it matters to talk about this, especially for those of us who come from relational trauma backgrounds.
Covert Narcissism: understanding and healing from its effects.
Narcissism is a term that is, more than ever, commonly used in our everyday language.
However, it’s important to bear in mind that the definition of narcissism can vary based on the context in which it is used.
In my field, an excessive love or admiration of oneself, often to the detriment of others, defines and characterizes narcissism.
Within this definition, it’s important to realize that actions and behaviors resulting from narcissistic tendencies encompass an extensive spectrum. This spans overt, grandiose expressions to more covert, unobtrusive forms.
Covert narcissism, a subtle and often insidious form of self-absorption, often lurks undetected beneath the surface of seemingly cordial interactions. That is how and why it can be so difficult to spot, but yet still so impactful.
In this essay, I’ll explore what exactly covert narcissism is, share examples of covert narcissistic behavior, how to recognize covert narcissism, probable causes of covert narcissism, the impacts of having someone with covert narcissism in your life, and, most importantly, how to heal from its effects.
What exactly is covert narcissism?
Delving into this topic, it becomes increasingly evident that this subtle form of narcissism is complex.
Characterized by a person’s inclination to cloak their narcissistic traits, covert narcissism stands in stark contrast to its overt counterpart. Overt narcissism is marked by grandiosity and attention-seeking behavior.
It may seem paradoxical that covert narcissists often portray themselves as introverted, shy, or even selfless individuals. In reality, their motivations are deeply rooted in an ardent desire for admiration, attention, and control within their relationships.
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Some examples of covert narcissism.
While covert narcissistic behavior can be challenging to spot, some of the common signs and signals might include patterns that seem subtle at first—but leave a lasting emotional imprint.
