TL;DR –When you come from a relational trauma background, even "objectively" small moments can trigger overwhelming feelings that flood your nervous system, making a robust toolkit of coping strategies essential for daily life. Unlike emotional regulation tools that help you understand and process emotions, coping tools are the in-the-moment strategies you reach for when distress hits—from mindfulness and radical acceptance to physical techniques like TIPP (temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation) that quickly calm your activated nervous system. These aren't just Band-Aids; research shows that practices like self-soothing through your five senses, grounding techniques, and opposite action actually help rewire your brain's stress response over time.
The key is having multiple options ready, because what works in one moment might not work in another—sometimes you need distraction through humor or Netflix, other times you need to discharge energy through jumping jacks, and occasionally you need to check the facts of your catastrophic thinking. Building this diverse coping toolkit isn't about avoiding difficult feelings forever; it's about managing overwhelming emotions in the moment so you can return to your window of tolerance and eventually do the deeper trauma processing work. With consistent practice, you'll find yourself needing these emergency coping tools less frequently as your nervous system learns that you can handle distress without being consumed by it.
“For trauma survivors, developing a toolkit of self-regulation and self-care strategies is essential. These tools provide a way to manage overwhelming emotions and reclaim a sense of safety and control in their lives.” – Janina Fisher, Ph.D.
Trauma-Informed Self-Care
Trauma-informed self-care goes beyond bubble baths and affirmations. It means attending to the four pillars of wellbeing — biological, psychological, social, and spiritual — with an understanding of how relational trauma has shaped your nervous system. It’s not about doing more; it’s about tending to yourself with the same attunement you may not have received as a child.
Summary
When you’re managing the effects of trauma, self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s one of the few tools you have direct access to right now. This post walks through practical coping tools that address the actual experience of trauma: the physical symptoms, the emotional overwhelm, the relational strain. These are tools you can use between therapy sessions, in difficult moments, and as part of building a more stable daily foundation.
In this fourth piece of a five part series (parts 1, 2, and 3 are here) on the fundamental tools that should be in our self-care tool chests when we come from relational trauma backgrounds, we explore yet another proverbial drawer: coping tools.
Parts Work (IFS)
Parts work, drawn from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is the understanding that your psyche is made up of distinct sub-personalities — protectors, managers, exiles — each with their own beliefs, feelings, and strategies. These parts developed to help you survive, and healing involves getting to know them rather than overriding them.
Relational Trauma
Relational trauma is the psychological injury that results from repeated experiences of feeling unsafe, unseen, or unvalued in significant relationships — particularly early ones. It doesn’t require a single catastrophic event; it accumulates through patterns of emotional neglect, inconsistency, or control in the relationships that were supposed to teach you what love looks like.
What even are coping tools?
I gave a high level overview of this in my first piece in this series, but, to reiterate again, coping tools, in essence, refer to the in-the-moment strategies and techniques individuals use to manage really challenging, big feeling situations.
Coping Tools
In the context of trauma recovery, coping tools are deliberate strategies for managing distress, reducing nervous system activation, and maintaining enough stability to function during difficult periods. Unlike deeper therapeutic interventions that process the roots of trauma, coping tools are about the present moment—helping you get through what’s hard right now without making things worse. The most effective ones work with the body’s physiology as well as the mind.
Nervous System Dysregulation
Your nervous system is the body’s threat-detection apparatus. When it’s been shaped by relational trauma, it can get stuck in patterns of hypervigilance (always scanning for danger) or hypoarousal (shutting down to cope). Nervous system dysregulation means your body’s alarm system fires too easily, too often, or not at all — regardless of what your conscious mind knows to be true.
And for those of us from relational trauma backgrounds, really challenging situations can be “objectively” small moments that subjectively feel huge and overwhelming (especially before we’ve done more of our trauma processing work in stage two of the trauma treatment model).
So it behooves all of us from trauma backgrounds to have a really rich and full drawer of coping tools since we’ll likely be using them A LOT.
I’ve written about many, many coping tools before here and here but in today’s piece, I’m going to share a list of even more coping strategies – many derived from DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), two gold standard therapies for distress reduction.
Twenty coping tools for your self-care tool chest.
Mindfulness practice:
Mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment without judgment. By simply observing your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them, you can cultivate a sense of calm and reduce the impact of distressing emotions. Try to take a few minutes each day to practice this awareness, noticing your breath or the sensations around you. Honestly, I think 30 seconds counts…
Radical acceptance:
Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to LIKE your situation, but acknowledging reality as it is can significantly reduce your distress. Embrace your current situation without trying to change it, and you may find that your frustration decreases. Remember, acceptance is about facing facts, not about giving up. You can still work towards change!
Distraction techniques:
When emotions become overwhelming, sometimes the best approach is to give your mind a break (honestly probably my favorite technique!). Engage in activities like reading, watching a few minutes of Netflix, or pursuing a hobby (like 10 minutes of Duo Lingo) to temporarily shift your focus and lower the emotional intensity.
Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
Self-soothing:
Utilizing your five senses can help create a soothing environment. Listen to calming music, touch your own skin, take a warm bath, or enjoy a comforting scent (or, ideally, all of these at once!). Research shows how these multi-sensory experiences can provide immediate comfort and reduce distress.
Pros and cons:
When facing distress, it can be helpful to weigh the pros and cons of tolerating it versus avoiding it. Write down the benefits and drawbacks of confronting your distress head-on compared to escaping it. This process can aid in making more rational decisions during stressful times (and I’ll say, rarely does the distress of avoiding ever outweigh the distress of confronting for me…).
IMPROVE the moment:
This acronym stands for Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing at a time, Vacation, and Encouragement. You can read more out this tool here. Techniques like visualizing a peaceful scene or taking a brief mental break can help improve your mental state during distress.
TIPP skills from DBT:
TIPP stands for Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Progressive muscle relaxation. Splash cold water on your face, do some quick physical activity, or practice deep breathing to quickly lower emotional arousal.
Opposite action:
Acting opposite to your emotion-driven urges can be incredibly effective coping tool. For example, if you feel like isolating yourself, try engaging with others instead by texting your friends or going outside and actually talking to that neighbor in their yard. Counter-intuitive though this may seem, it counteracts negative emotions and promotes positive behaviors.
Self-compassion:
Obvious as it seems, be kind to yourself, especially during times of distress. Practice self-care and speak to yourself in a supportive and understanding way. This coping tool can help mitigate the effects of distress not to mention help rewire your neural pathways for more functional, adaptive thoughts and behaviors.
Grounding technique:
Grounding involves focusing on the present by noticing physical sensations around you. This might include touching a textured object or listening to the sounds in your environment. Grounding can anchor you to the present moment and reduce distressing thoughts. I like to encourage my clients to wear fidget rings and/or have tactile objects on their desks like Kush balls or other fidget toys. Poppers like this are great.
Check the facts:
Examine the accuracy of your distressing thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are based on facts or assumptions. Ask the question, “Do I know with 100% certainty that this is true? 100% true?” Challenging and finding the lack of truth unhelpful thoughts can reduce distress.
Participating in activities you actually enjoy:
Stating the obvious here but try to do activities that bring you joy and satisfaction. Whether it’s video gaming, a Zoom and cocktail with girlfriends, or puttering in your kitchen listening to audiobooks (my personal fave), these activities can distract from distress and improve your mood (and also make you feel like you have a life).
Building mastery:
Building a sense of competence and accomplishment can be very empowering. Set small, achievable goals and work towards them – level 1 in Duo Lingo then level 2 and so on… A one mile run at 4.5 mph, then 5 mph and so on… This increases self-confidence and reduces feelings of helplessness when you demonstrate to yourself both your agency and capacity for mastery.
Mental grounding:
Engage your prefrontal cortex and reduce the hijacking of your limbic system by thinking of categories such as musical instruments or types of trees and then listing as many as you can. Another method is to recite something you know by heart, like a poem or song (pick a long one like American Pie), which helps distract and center your thoughts (Side note: for anyone with kiddos, I like asking my daughter to list how many Disney Princesses she can name when she’s dysregulated…)
Use of humor:
As a coping tool, Humor can be a great way to diffuse distress. Despite how much I love it, there’s a big difference in my mood and nervous system when I switch from binge watching Game of Thrones to watching The Office. Dose yourself with comedy as a distress tolerance coping skill (and to give yourself a break from the wonderful but usually mega heavy HBO goodness there is).
Dispel energy through rapid physical activity:
True story, when I’m anxious before a big work meeting, I’ll do twenty jumping jacks in my office to try and dispel the adrenaline and cortisol coursing through me. Push ups or high knees would work well, too.
Behavioral activation:
Actively engage in tasks aligned with your values and goals, even when feeling distressed. Like still making time to volunteer at your kiddo’s school despite feeling overwhelmed by your workload. This connection with your values can boost your mood and reduce your distress.
Exposure-based techniques:
Gradually face distressing situations or thoughts instead of avoiding them. Over time, this builds tolerance to distress and reduces anxiety. Get a friend or your therapist to do it with you at first if it feels like too much to do it alone. This is like exercise number five but the action that follows the contemplation…
Breathing exercises:
Another great coping tool? Practice deep and paced breathing exercises to calm the nervous system. Techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or 4-7-8 breathing can help reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation.
Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the capacity to manage the intensity, duration, and expression of your emotional responses. For relational trauma survivors, this capacity was often underdeveloped because the caregivers who should have modeled and co-regulated emotions were themselves dysregulated — or the source of the dysregulation.
Journaling:
Maybe my favorite one on this whole list, journaling can be a powerful tool for managing distress and enhancing emotional well-being. By writing down your thoughts and feelings, you can gain insight into your emotions, identify patterns, and explore solutions to problems. I like to write down my problems and then try and brainstorm solutions (minimum five) to see if I can alleviate my anxiety about them.
Finding Professional Support for Your Coping Journey
While building your personal toolkit of coping strategies is invaluable, many people with relational trauma find that working with a therapist helps them understand which tools work best for their unique nervous system and trauma history.
A skilled trauma therapist doesn’t just teach you coping techniques—they help you recognize your specific triggers, understand why certain situations feel so overwhelming, and develop personalized strategies that match your particular pattern of activation. In therapy, you can practice these coping tools in a safe environment, learning to trust that you can handle distress without being alone in it.
This supported practice is especially important if your relational trauma taught you that asking for help was dangerous or that you had to manage everything by yourself. For those considering this path, understanding if you are codependent can help clarify whether your coping patterns might be entangled with taking care of others at your own expense.
The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a coping resource—knowing you have someone steady and reliable to return to when life feels overwhelming, teaching your nervous system that support is available and that you don’t have to white-knuckle through distress alone anymore.
Wrapping up.
I hope that even one of these coping tools feels helpful for you to read about and add to your own self-care tool chest!
And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
Of these coping tools I mentioned, which sounds like the most helpful for you to begin to practice? Is there another coping tool I didn’t mention on this list that is really supportive for you?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
References
- Linehan, M. M. (2010). DBT? Applying dialectical behavior therapy skills to suicidal behavior. NCBI. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2963469/
- American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). In PTSD Treatment Guidelines for Patients and Families. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral
- DBT Self Help. (n.d.). Improve the moment. Retrieved from https://dbtselfhelp.com/improve-the-moment/
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy. (n.d.). TIPP skill. Retrieved from https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/tipp/
- The Office (American TV series). (2023, September 2). In Wikipedia. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Office_(American_TV_series)
If you’re ready to go deeper, I work one-on-one with driven, ambitious women through relational trauma recovery therapy and trauma-informed executive coaching. And if this essay resonated, there’s more where it came from — my Substack newsletter goes deeper every week on relational trauma, nervous system healing, and the inner lives of ambitious women. Subscribe for free — I can’t wait to be of support to you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the best coping tools for trauma symptoms?
Effective trauma coping tools typically address the nervous system directly: grounding techniques (orienting to sensory experience), breath regulation (slow exhalation activates the parasympathetic system), titrated movement, cold water on the face, and safe containment practices. Cognitive tools like thought-labeling also help once the body is regulated enough to access rational thought.
How is trauma coping different from general stress management?
General stress management often targets the mind—thinking differently, reframing, time management. Trauma coping needs to start with the body, because trauma is fundamentally a physiological experience, not just a cognitive one. Tools that skip the body and go straight to cognition often don’t reach the nervous system activation that is generating the distress.
What should I do when trauma symptoms feel overwhelming?
First, prioritize containment—getting yourself to a physically safe, relatively calm environment. Then use a grounding technique to orient yourself to the present moment: name five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch. This interrupts the nervous system’s backward-looking threat response and brings you into the present.
Can self-care really help with trauma?
Self-care, practiced consistently, sends repeated signals to the nervous system that you are safe, that your body matters, and that your needs are worth meeting. For people whose childhood sent the opposite messages, this is not trivial. It doesn’t replace therapy, but it builds the regulatory foundation that makes therapeutic work more possible.
How do I build consistent self-care habits when I’m exhausted?
Start with what costs the least. Not the most impressive practice—the most sustainable one. Even five minutes of intentional rest, one slow meal without distraction, or a single honest check-in with yourself counts. Consistency over intensity is the principle, especially when you’re already running on reserve.
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: High-Functioning Anxiety: A Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
