It might have something to do with one of the four communication styles you learned in childhood.
Communication styles fall into four major categories – Passive, Aggressive, Passive Aggressive, and Assertive.
At any time, we are all operating from one of these types when we come into contact with each other.
When you get two or more people together who communicate other than assertively, there’s a very good chance of communication going awry.
You see, we learn how to communicate through what we’re modeled in our early relationships. With our families, peer groups, communities, and even the media.
Unfortunately, not all of us were taught healthy, assertive communication growing up.
Instead, we probably learned ways of communicating that helped us adapt to whatever system we grew up in. But now those same styles we learned may be getting in the way of our relationships today. Preventing intimacy, closeness, and the real, authentically healthy connections we crave.
In today’s post, I want to explore these four communication styles with you and invite you to reflect on which patterns of communication you see in yourself and your loved ones so that we can help you learn and practice healthier communication tools in your life if that’s what you need.
The Four Communication Types.
Passive
What this is:
- The passive type is a style of communication in which an individual avoids naming and asserting their honest needs, wants, boundaries, and personal rights and, instead, defer to others or prioritize trying to take care of others in conflict or conversation in order to “maintain the peace”.
What it’s characterized by:
- Passive communication can be characterized by poor eye contact, slumped posture, deferential treatment of others, self-dismissal, self put-downs, laughing when expressing anger, tending to speak softly or apologetically, dismissing their own stance in conversations.
How this might look in practice:
- Person A to B: “She said that I’m ruining your relationship with her, is that true?” Person B: (avoiding eye contact with Person A), “Well, uhm, you know… it’s just that… you know things are different but they’re fine, really they are, we’re all good, seriously, it’s like, different, but you know, that’s just the way things are, right? Seriously, it’s all good, it really doesn’t matter.”
The upside and the downside:
- The upside? A passive communication style can make you less of a “target” in communication and conflict. By deferring to other people or by not stepping forward in conversation, you can sometimes avoid being targeted or focused on. (In fact, it can sometimes let you be protected by others.) This can lead to a reduction in anxiety or even protection by others in the short-term. But the downside is that you don’t stand up for your own needs, wants and opinions. You may often feel “walked all over”, and harbor resentments about this later on. And it may actually lead to a decrease in self-esteem.
