Am I codependent?
In the course of our personal growth journeys, as we begin to learn more about ourselves, our patterns, and the way our lives were impacted by our early childhood experiences, we may, at some point, c…
LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026
In the course of our personal growth journeys, as we begin to learn more about ourselves, our patterns, and the way our lives were impacted by our early childhood experiences, we may, at some point, confront the question:
“Am I codependent?”
If you’ve ever asked this question, if you’re curious or concerned that this may be the case for you, today’s essay is written just for you.
Please, keep reading if this question has ever lived in your own mind and heart.
- What does it mean to be codependent?
- But how do you know if you’re codependent?
- Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
- Why does someone become codependent?
- How do I stop being codependent?
- The destination is interdependence.
- Breaking Free from Codependency Through Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapy
- Wrapping up.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?”
Mary Oliver, poet and Pulitzer Prize winner
What does it mean to be codependent?
“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’ If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.” ― Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man
Codependency, like with so many other mental health terms, has filtered into our general consciousness and pop lexicon.
And, like with so many of these terms, it’s often misunderstood and misrepresented, conflated, or used as a weapon to insult others.
“You two are always joined at the hip! Oh my god, you’re like so codependent!”
“You call your mom every week? Aren’t you afraid that’s a little too codependent?”
“He’s totally happy to let her be in the limelight. It’s codependent behavior if you ask me.”
I’m sure you could write your own list of times you’ve heard this phrase used and weaponized.
According to Mental Health America,
“[Codependency] is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction”. People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.“
And still, Wikipedia defines codependency as:
“…a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. Definitions of codependency vary. But it is generally defined as a subclinical, situational, and/or episodic behavioral condition. Similar to that of dependent personality disorder. The term is less individually diagnostic and more descriptive of a relationship dynamic.”
Codependency then, in essence, describes an impaired way of relating to others and relating to the self in healthy, constructive ways.
It’s a relational disorder that impairs the life of the person who displays these tendencies.
RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Trauma that occurs within the context of significant relationships — particularly early attachment relationships — where the source of danger and the source of safety are the same person, as described by Judith Herman, MD, psychiatrist and author of Trauma and Recovery. (PMID: 22729977)
In plain terms: It’s what happens when the people who were supposed to make you feel safe were also the people who made you feel afraid.
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COMPLEX PTSD
A condition resulting from prolonged, repeated interpersonal trauma — particularly in childhood — that includes the core symptoms of PTSD plus disturbances in self-organization: affect dysregulation, negative self-concept, and impaired relationships, as defined by the ICD-11 and researched by Marylene Cloitre, PhD, clinical psychologist and trauma researcher.
In plain terms: It’s what happens when trauma wasn’t a single event but a prolonged environment. The impact goes beyond flashbacks — it shapes how you see yourself, how you connect with others, and how you regulate your own emotions.
But how do you know if you’re codependent?
What are the signs and signals that you may have tendencies towards this relational disorder?
“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.”
― Melody Beattie
There is no one singular checklist of qualities and characteristics of what makes someone codependent. Different sources have different thoughts about it.
In my experience as a relational trauma expert, here are the qualities and characteristics that I believe comprise codependency:
Impaired esteem.
RESEARCH EVIDENCE
Peer-reviewed findings that inform this clinical framework:
- 99% of 238 older women had low codependency scores (PMID: 10870253)
- r = 0.446 correlation between codependency and depression (p = .0001) (PMID: 10870253)
- Sample n=38 family members of SUD patients; n=26 experimental (PMID: 31090992)
- Significant negative association between codependency and left dorsomedial PFC activation (PMID: 31090992)
- Codependency exists independently of significant other's chemical dependency (supported hypothesis) (PMID: 1556208)
Both/And: Vulnerability and Strength Are Not Opposites
There’s a particular form of isolation that driven women experience in recovery: the belief that needing help means they’ve failed. They’ve built entire identities around competence, self-sufficiency, and not being a burden. Asking for support — let alone admitting they’re struggling — feels like a betrayal of everything they’ve worked to become. In my practice, this is one of the first beliefs we examine, because it’s almost always a relic of childhood.
Sarah is an entrepreneur who runs a multimillion-dollar company and texts her team at 5 a.m. She canceled her first three therapy appointments before she finally showed up. “I handle things,” she told me in our first session, as though that were a personality trait rather than a survival strategy. What Sarah didn’t yet see is that her capacity to handle things and her need for support aren’t in competition. They coexist — and her refusal to let them has been costing her for decades.
Both/And means Sarah can be the person her team relies on and the person who weeps in my office on Thursdays. She can run a company and still need someone to hold space for her. She can be the strongest person in most rooms and still benefit from being in a room where she doesn’t have to be strong. These aren’t contradictions. They’re completeness.
The Systemic Lens: The Cultural Expectations That Slow Healing
When we tell driven women to “get help” for their trauma, we often fail to acknowledge what getting help actually requires: financial resources for quality therapy, schedule flexibility for consistent appointments, a workplace culture that doesn’t penalize prioritizing mental health, and a social environment where vulnerability is safe. These aren’t universally available. For many women, they aren’t available at all.
Even driven women with financial means face systemic obstacles. The pressure to be constantly productive means therapy often gets scheduled in margins that don’t allow for the emotional processing the work requires. The cultural expectation that women should “handle things” quietly means many driven women hide their therapeutic work from colleagues, friends, even partners — adding the burden of secrecy to the already demanding work of healing. The medicalization of trauma into neat diagnostic categories often fails to capture the complexity of what relational trauma actually looks like in an accomplished life.
In my work, I try to hold the systemic reality alongside the individual journey. You are doing courageous, difficult work. And the world around you was not built to support that work. Both things matter. Understanding the structural constraints isn’t an excuse to stop — it’s a reason to be more compassionate with yourself about the pace, and more outraged at a system that makes healing harder than it has to be.
If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.
Q: How do I know if what I’m experiencing warrants therapy?
A: If you’re asking the question, it’s worth exploring. Driven women tend to set the bar for ‘bad enough’ impossibly high. You don’t need a crisis to benefit from therapy. Persistent anxiety, relational patterns that keep repeating, a gap between how your life looks and how it feels — these are all legitimate reasons to seek support.
Q: What type of therapy is best for driven women?
A: Trauma-informed approaches — including EMDR, somatic experiencing, and relational psychodynamic therapy — tend to be most effective because they address the nervous system and attachment patterns underneath the symptoms. Cognitive-behavioral approaches can help with specific behaviors, but for deep-rooted patterns, the work needs to go deeper.
Q: Will therapy change my personality or make me less motivated?
A: This fear is nearly universal among driven women — and nearly universally unfounded. Therapy doesn’t diminish your drive. It changes the fuel source. When the anxiety driving your achievement is addressed, most women find they’re still highly motivated — just without the constant internal suffering.
Q: How long does therapy usually take?
A: For driven women with relational trauma, meaningful shifts typically emerge within 3-6 months. Deeper structural changes usually unfold over 1-2 years. The timeline depends on the complexity of your history and your willingness to sit with discomfort.
Q: Can I do therapy while maintaining a demanding career?
A: Yes — most of the women I work with are physicians, executives, attorneys, and founders. Therapy is designed to integrate into your life, not compete with it. It does require commitment: consistent weekly sessions and the recognition that your career cannot be your reason for avoiding the work.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma and Recovery
van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2015. (PMID: 9384857)
Herman, Judith Lewis. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books, 2015.
Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing, 2013.
Levine, Peter A. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books, 1997.
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Annie Wright, LMFT
LMFT #95719 · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
