Hard things that were and felt like a series of rejections and abandonments.

I won’t go into details about the events in this essay but, suffice it to say, the events did not feel good.

But while I was moving through them, dealing with them, feeling my feelings about them, these hard events didn’t collapse me either.

(As they might have back in 2011, 2012, etc)

Yes, they were yet more AFGO’s for me, but, I realized, these AFGO’s were also a proverbial litmus test of sorts to show me where I was in my relational trauma recovery work and how far I’d come. 

I didn’t necessarily ask for a status report/evaluation of my capacities, but the AFGO’s delivered one, and I was (and am) pleased to see how far I’ve come.

Join me in this post to learn more about how AFGO’s can serve as clear indicators of the personal work we’ve done (and may have yet to do) with some specific markers to observe and questions to ask yourself the next time they occur in your own life. 

How AFGO’s become our proverbial litmus test

AFGO’s – though most of us don’t consciously seek them out – can catalyze our growth.

It’s basically that old adage of “struggle leading to strength.” 

But not only can AFGO’s carve out new capacities inside of us to deal with hard things, they can also show us how far we’ve come and provide clues to what work still needs to be done if we pay attention.

I paid attention when those super hard things occurred these past few weeks and I observed myself and noticed:

“Huh, I didn’t feel that familiar, all-consuming heat in my stomach.”

“Hmm, I reached out to safe people immediately to process this time.”

“Huh, I had more adaptive thoughts sooner.”

“Huh, I chose to go for a fast run to dispel the cortisol versus bury it with popcorn.”

I observed that the key indicators of my historical distress response were reduced. 

Greatly reduced.

For me, my historical distress responses usually looked like this:

• A lot of somatic disturbance in my body – especially around my stomach area – when cortisol would flood through me.
• I would isolate and withdraw, turning inwards for self-comfort instead of reaching out. Doubting I could get support from the relationships around me.
• I would ruminate for days or weeks. Stuck in unhelpful thought loops about things being unfair and/or having catastrophic thoughts about safety.
• I would slide back into some of my less helpful emotional coping mechanisms like emotional eating and workaholism. 

But this time, in this chapter of my life, I felt less somatic disturbance and reduced cortisol flooding.