Do either or both of these beliefs feel familiar? Would you say that maybe – just maybe – they sometimes keep you feeling confused, stuck, or unsatisfied in your romantic relationship?

If so, today’s blog post is for you.

And, while I don’t believe that relationships complete us per say, they do indeed help us to grow, heal, and become more fully who we were meant to be.

Relationships give immense meaning and anchoring to our fragile human lives.

Quite a paradox isn’t it?

Relationships can be our source of greatest frustration, pain, and challenge, but also our greatest source of growth, joy, and healing.

And, while no two relationships will ever look the same — the universe constellated between two people will always have a unique topography, a wholly original landscape, language, spoken and unspoken contract between the pairing — I do believe there are some fundamental principles and tools which can support most people in navigating the paradox of pain and joy in relationships.

So in today’s blog post, I want to offer these principles and tools up for you in the form a veritable Care Package for your relationship.

And while I frame this article from the lens of romantic relationships, I believe the principles can apply to any kind of relationship: friend, sibling, parent, coworker, etc.

So read on…

Rupture is inevitable; It’s the repair that counts.

Have you ever noticed that when you have incredibly high expectations you’re inevitably disappointed?

I certainly have.

That’s why I think it’s critical for anyone in a relationship to have reasonable expectations and deeply understand that:

“No matter how much you love each other, no matter how long you’ve been together, no matter how skillfully you try to communicate, rupture in relationship is inevitable; it’s the repair that counts.”

Rupture — or, in other words, conflict, disagreement or misses — is absolutely bound to happen in relationship.

Most likely every day. By understanding this, we can possibly have more realistic expectations about the challenges of being in a relationship. And avoid making up stories like “we’re not meant to be together!” when conflict occurs.

It’s going to happen. Period.

And I do have some recommendations about how to fight well when rupture occurs. But it’s the repair — the coming back together after conflict that really counts.

So, in order to recalibrate your expectations, let me repeat: In relationship, rupture is inevitable; it’s the repair that counts.

Fight well.

Conflict in relationship is inevitable. It’s helpful (if not critical) for partners to learn the skill of how to fight well with each other.

Fighting well can look like those Classroom Rules posters you (like I) might have seen in elementary school.