A Bittersweet Happy Ending: Creating Your Second Chance Family-Of-Choice

Family Dynamics & Boundaries • August 4, 2019

LAST UPDATED: APRIL 2026

Relational trauma is the emotional and psychological harm caused by ongoing patterns of neglect, inconsistency, or harm in your earliest close relationships—usually with caregivers—where you needed safety and connection most. It is not a one-time traumatic event like an accident or crisis; it’s about the slow, unseen damage from feeling unsafe, unseen, or unloved over time. For a driven, ambitious woman like you, relational trauma often hides behind professional success, showing up as difficulty trusting others, feeling like an outsider, or carrying a quiet sense of not belonging. Understanding relational trauma matters here because it explains why certain relationships trigger deep pain and why building a second-chance family is not a luxury—it’s necessary for reclaiming your emotional life.

• You carry the quiet ache of feeling unseen, unsafe, or like the outsider in your family of origin—wounds that quietly shape your adult relationships and your ability to fully belong.
• A second-chance or chosen family is not about replacing your original family but about intentionally building a relational system that offers the attunement, safety, and emotional connection you never consistently received.
• Healing begins when you hold the Both/AND of honoring your past relational trauma while courageously cultivating vulnerability and interdependence with your chosen family to support your nervous system’s recovery and your true belonging.

Let’s face it: Some of us are born into families we wouldn’t simply wouldn’t choose. 

Related reading: What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?, Attachment Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Your Adult Connections, Trauma and Relationships: When Your Professional Strengths Become Your Relationship Blindspots

Sometimes we wouldn’t choose these folks because we experienced abuse, neglect, trauma or chaos around them or because of them. 

Sometimes, though, and far more subtly, we wouldn’t choose them simply because we always felt we didn’t fit in with them. 

We felt like the proverbial Ugly Duckling amongst a group of swans.

The black sheep in a herd of white. 

An other.

Be it childhood abuse or the experience of being other, whatever the reason, many of us wouldn’t necessarily choose the family-of-origins we are born into.

Sadly and frustratingly, we don’t get much choice when we’re little.

This is the painful powerlessness of childhood – the lack of agency around and dependency on the families we’re born into/adopted into. 

But the beauty of growing up is that hopefully, and in time, we do have more agency and choice over who we include in our lives.

And part of this may mean that, as we grow, we develop the opportunity to cultivate and nourish our own second chance family-of-choice.

Today, I want to share more with you about what I consider a second chance family-of-choice to be. (Hint: it’s not just people.) Why this is so incredibly important. What can get in the way of creating this even if “technically” we have more choice. Share with you a very important reminder about this process. And provide you with a list of prompts and queries to reflect on what cultivating and creating a second chance family-of-choice may look and feel like for you.

1. What is a second chance family-of-choice?
2. We can greatly expand our second chance, family-of-choice.
3. Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
4. Why a second chance family-of-choice is so incredibly important.
5. The paradoxical simplicity and complexity of cultivating a second chance family-of-choice.
6. This healing work often includes facing the past.
7. But therapy is, often, a more accessible choice.
8. An important reminder.
9. Wrapping up.
10. Building Your Family-of-Choice Through Relational Therapy

What is a second chance family-of-choice?

A second chance family-of choice is, again, the people we get to choose to be in our lives. Versus who we are forced to be around when we’re young. 

A second chance family-of-choice includes people who love us, accept us, support us, get us. And who want to be in our lives to lift us up and share along in the ride. 

A second chance family-of-choice may include people who share our values, our beliefs. Or who, even if they don’t, happily allow for differences between us and find ways to be in healthy connection with us even if their choices look different.

They are not necessarily members of our family-of-origin (though they may include some of them!). But they may feel more like family than anyone we’re blood-related to ever has felt. 

Sometimes these chosen people are flesh and blood real. The partners we date and/or marry. The children we have ourselves. The friends we hold tight around us. The mentors we seek out and keep as touchstones in our lives. 

And sometimes these second chance family-of-choice members may be pen-and-paper in nature or only known from afar. 

I’ve written about this before. But I think it’s important to allow ourselves to imagine that major influences and influencers in our life can be people we only know of or witness through their writing, speaking, and modeling. 

We can greatly expand our second chance, family-of-choice.

If we allow ourselves to count those who resonate with us on a deep soul level (but who we may never know in person) to “count” as important and influential in our lives. 

I myself certainly have authors/writers, fellow psychotherapists, and thought leaders who I count among my second chance family, though I have not and may never meet them.

Importantly, I think second chance, family-of-choice extends beyond people we allow into our lives.

I think of a second chance family-of-choice part and parcel of a second chance life.

So this means that we seek out and not only look for people who fit us better. But also places and ways of being that fit us better.

For instance, a city or town where our soul feels at ease. Where our politics and gender identity is welcomed. Where we are safe to love how and whom we choose. A place where we have a chance to do work that lights up our soul. Where we can live our days and weeks in ways that nourish, excited, and inspire us. And so much more.

A second chance family-of-choice is the people we choose to keep close around us, and it is the way we choose to live our lives, ways that are more congruent with who we truly are and what our soul needs and wants.

Why is building a chosen family so critically important for trauma healing?

A second chance family-of-choice (and life of choice) is deeply important.

Life is short. We deserve to live it well.

If we didn’t get a good, healthy, functional, deeply supportive start in life, I truly believe it’s never too late to do whatever work (inside and out) it takes to create a far better rest of life for ourselves.

A second chance family-of-choice gives us an opportunity to have relational experiences that we may otherwise have missed out on: healthy, functional, nourishing, good relationships (ideally the birthright of every baby and child as they enter the planet but, unfortunately, often not the case).

We deserve to have good experiences in relationships and to feel loved for who we are, all of who we are.

Cultivating a second chance family-of-choice gives us more of a chance to have this.

And cultivating a second choice way of life ensures that, while we can’t go back and erase the past, we can move forward and create as beautiful and healthy of a future for ourselves as we possibly can.

It’s so sad that so many of us didn’t get a chance to be a safe, deeply loved child and have positive early childhood experiences.

It would be a tragedy to not then get an adulthood that feels better once the powerlessness of childhood has passed.

Why is building a chosen family both simple in concept and complex in practice?

Cultivating a second chance family-of-choice (and way of life) is both simple and complex.

It’s simple because, in cultivating a family-of-choice, you’re looking to invite people into your life who love you. Who feel good to be around. Who demonstrate healthy, functional relational behavior. And who makes you feel good and supported (ideally in the way a family of origin would).

It is simple because you are seeking out the places and spaces and ways of being that match who you truly are. Versus just looking good on the outside or being the defaults you were raised to believe are possible and open to you.

(Not rocket science, is it?)

But cultivating both a second chance family of choice and way of life, while seemingly simple, is also profoundly complex and potentially very time consuming because of this fact:

Children who are abused, neglected, shamed, or otherwise not supported in their emotional development early on often become adults who often lack an “internal sense of home” who don’t know what healthy, functional relationships can and should look like, and who also struggle (sometimes deeply) with knowing who they are, what they need and want, and what and who would make them happy.

And so, in the process of cultivating that second chance family-of-choice (and way of life) that seems so seemingly simple on the surface, there is often much healing work that needs to be done.

Why does building your chosen family require facing the pain of your past?

It includes grieving and mourning what transpired. Re-learning (or learning) what healthy, functional relationships look like. Learning who we are and what we need and want. Learning how to move towards the things and people we want. Tolerating the vulnerability and risk we feel around this. And then practicing how to allow ourselves to accept good things.

And so the work to know and seek out and keep healthy, functional relationships and to live a life that is more congruent with who we actually are and what we want can take time and effort.

This is the hard news.

But the good news?

It is so, so worth it.

Imagine, if you’re a Millennial woman like I am. Our generation is expected to live (knock on wood!) well into our 90’s.

With an arc of life that long, an investment of time and emotional energy into healing your past and clarifying what you need and want from your future (relationally, work-wise, geographically and more) is so, so worthwhile.

And I will say: Support in doing this can be invaluable. It can save you a lot of time and frustrated thwarted attempts.

I went to Esalen in my mid-twenties and lived there for nearly four years to do my own healing work and to seek out a second chance life.

That’s not an option that’s open to everyone, I know (though if you can, I highly recommend it!).

But therapy is, often, a more accessible choice.

Process work at Esalen is part what made my time there so invaluable and accelerating. And therapy continues to be an invaluable support to me in my own life. I now happily live out life with my second chance family-of-choice in places and ways that deeply fulfill my soul.

I really recommend therapy or some other form of licensed, professional support. As an adjunct to your own healing work if you identifying with struggling to know what healthy, good relationships look like or if you can’t pinpoint who you are and what you need and want.

And remember: often for those of us who grew up in adverse early childhood environments, seeking out support and asking for help can feel hard.

And still, even if it feels hard, it’s very worthwhile to reach out (and to keep reaching out) for the help you need.

What is the most important thing to remember when you’re building your chosen family?

I think it’s really important to remind you that you get to be sad and disappointed about your original family-of-origin. And the painful experiences you had with them even as you create a life and family that feels better for you.

The reason why I titled this post “A Bittersweet Happy Ending” is because there is often sadness mixed with joy and gratitude for those of us who recover from adverse early beginnings.

Ideally, our families-of-origin would be the supportive, nourishing, safe, deeply loving and unfailingly committed bedrock people in our lives.

And, when they are not, even when we do ultimately find and develop relationships with those kinds of people later in life, you can still be sad that you didn’t get that from your original family.

That’s okay. That’s actually, I think, normal and natural.

You can be sad and also grateful and happy. It’s not either/or, it’s Both/AND.

You can have your beautiful present life and still have sadness (or anger or any other emotion) about your past.

We hold all of it together. And we move forward feeling this complexity inside of us, living as best we can.

Before you close this tab.

As we close today’s post, I want to leave you with a series of questions and prompts. For you to reflect on or for you to process in writing.

These questions and prompts are designed to help you think about what a second chance family-of-choice might mean for you and how you might cultivate one:

• Growing up, did you feel like an outsider, an other, or unwanted or mistreated by your family-of-origin? Maybe it was with all members or only with one or some. But in what ways did you feel “let down” by your family-of-origin experience?
• As a child, what kind of family and relationships did you long for? What did you daydream about? Having a twin? Having a fairy godmother? An endlessly empathetic mother/grandmother figure who would bake chocolate chip cookies with you in her sunny cottage? A dad who would coach your softball team and be your best buddy?
• In what ways are the essence of your childhood dreams and longings playing out in your adult life now?
• If they are not, do you want them to be? Do those dreamed-of relationships still fit?
• If so, what would it look like for you to seek out and cultivate relationships or the essence of relationships like this? Be creative. Think, is it noticing and having an appreciation for the fact that your husband is your daughter’s best friend? Is it seeking out an older male mentor in your work sector? Is it spending more time with an elderly neighbor woman on your block who you love? Is it watching old reruns of a TV show where there was a soothing, supportive nuclear family that made you feel safe and good?
• In what ways is your soul nourished by the life you’re currently living? In what ways does there feel like an incongruence between what you truly, deeply need and want and what’s playing out? How can you move closer to living a life that’s more of what you want?
• Do you allow yourself to feel the sorrow/pain/anger you may still feel from not having received what you wanted/needed from your family-of-origin even as you live a life that feels better for you today? Or do you dismiss and diminish those feelings? How can you remind yourself that it’s okay to still feel sad or upset by what you didn’t receive? Even as you hold gratitude for all that you’ve created today?

How can relational therapy help you find and build your chosen family?

When you sit with your therapist lamenting that you feel more understood by dead authors than living relatives, they help you recognize this isn’t pathology but wisdom—you’re already building your chosen family in whatever way feels safe. Together, you explore how growing up as the power of being the black sheep in your family actually prepared you to seek authentic connection beyond blood ties.

Your therapist guides you in recognizing that creating chosen family requires first understanding what you’re looking for. If your template for “family” involves walking on eggshells, conditional love, or chronic disappointment, healthy relationships might feel foreign or even threatening when they appear.

The work involves grieving the family you needed but didn’t have while simultaneously learning to recognize and accept genuine care. Your therapist helps you understand why kindness might trigger suspicion, why unconditional support feels uncomfortable, and how to slowly build tolerance for being truly seen and loved.

Together, you practice identifying safe people—those whose actions match their words, who respect boundaries, who can tolerate your authentic self. Your therapist becomes a model for consistent, boundaried care, showing you what healthy attachment can feel like.

They validate the bittersweetness of this journey. You can build a beautiful chosen family and still ache when you see others with supportive parents. You can be grateful for found family while grieving that finding them was necessary.

Through this work, you develop capacity to not just identify but actually accept the love you deserve—transforming from someone who survived without true family to someone capable of creating it.

I hope today’s post felt helpful and validating to you. I’d love to hear from you what this post may have brought up for you. Please leave me a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to get back to you.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie

Both/And: Gratitude and Grief Can Coexist

There’s a complicated grief in the experience of building a chosen family. On one side: the joy and relief of finding people who actually see you, who show up, who make space for your whole self. On the other: the ache of realizing how much you missed for so long. The two things coexist, and they’re both real.

Nadia, a 41-year-old architect, described this exactly. She’d spent years being the capable, self-sufficient one who didn’t need anything from anyone. When she finally let herself be vulnerable in a new friendship, something cracked open. “I felt this enormous wave of sadness,” she told me. “Because it was so easy. And I thought—why wasn’t it always this easy? Where was this my whole life?”

This is the Both/And: I am grateful for what I’m building, and I am grieving what I didn’t have. Neither feeling cancels the other. The grief doesn’t mean the new relationship isn’t real. The joy doesn’t mean the grief wasn’t valid. You can hold both, and you deserve space for both.

What I’ve seen in my practice is that allowing the grief to exist alongside the gratitude actually deepens the chosen family bonds. When you can say to someone, “This feels almost unbearably good because I’ve wanted it for so long,” you’re offering them the truth of who you are. And that’s precisely what builds the kind of connection you were always supposed to have.

The Systemic Lens: Why Chosen Families Are a Form of Cultural Repair

The longing to build a chosen family doesn’t emerge from personal weakness. It emerges from a culture that has, in many ways, failed to provide adequate communal support structures for the kind of relational healing that humans require.

Modern Western culture is unusually atomized. The extended family structures, village communities, and religious or cultural networks that have historically provided relational scaffolding have, for many driven women, either never existed or been actively harmful. We’re expected to meet our relational needs within a single household—or, increasingly, without one at all.

Susan Pinker, social psychologist and author of The Village Effect, documents the compelling research showing that in-person social contact—not digital connection—is one of the strongest predictors of longevity and wellbeing. The communities in which people live the longest share face-to-face daily interaction as a core feature, not an occasional treat. Women who grew up in isolating or harmful family systems didn’t just miss parental attunement. They missed the broader scaffolding that human beings are biologically designed to inhabit.

Understanding this systemic reality reframes the work of building a chosen family. It’s not compensatory—it’s corrective. You’re not patching a personal deficit. You’re constructing what the system was supposed to provide but didn’t. And in doing so, you’re not just healing yourself—you’re creating something that will ripple outward.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

Medical Disclaimer

Medical Disclaimer