What is Trauma and Why Does Talking About it Matter?
What is Trauma and Why Does Talking About it Matter?
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System • March 5, 2023
SUMMARY
You carry trauma not because of the event itself, but because your nervous system was overwhelmed in a way that disrupts how you manage stress, emotions, and relationships long after the fact. Trauma isn’t only about catastrophic incidents; it can be a pattern of relational wounds or prolonged experiences that exceeded your capacity to cope, leaving invisible imprints on your emotional and relational life.
Your nervous system is the complex communication network inside your body that regulates how you feel, think, and respond to everything around you — from stress to connection. It is not just a technical term or something that only doctors care about; it’s the living, breathing part of you that holds the imprint of your past experiences, including trauma. The nervous system is not a switch you can simply turn on or off, nor is it a sign of weakness when it struggles to regulate emotions or stress after trauma. For you, understanding your nervous system means recognizing why certain situations might trigger overwhelming feelings or shut-downs, and why healing feels less about ‘fixing’ and more about learning to live with both the wounds and your resilience. This knowledge is the foundation for why talking about trauma matters — because it’s the nervous system that carries the story you need to hear and attend to.
You carry trauma not because of the event itself, but because your nervous system was overwhelmed in a way that disrupts how you manage stress, emotions, and relationships long after the fact.
Trauma isn’t only about catastrophic incidents; it can be a pattern of relational wounds or prolonged experiences that exceeded your capacity to cope, leaving invisible imprints on your emotional and relational life.
Talking about your trauma matters because it helps you untangle the lasting impact on your nervous system, making space for deeper understanding and healing that acknowledges the complexity of your unique experience.
Each and every week since I started practicing as a therapist well over a decade ago I get asked some iteration of the question:
SUMMARY
Trauma is one of those words that’s everywhere and still somehow misunderstood — used loosely to mean everything from minor disappointment to life-altering catastrophe. This post cuts through the noise with a clear-eyed explanation of what trauma actually is, what it does to the nervous system, and why the conversation matters so much for people ready to understand their own experience.
“Is what I went through traumatic? Do I need trauma therapy?”
It’s a question I have endless compassion for. Given that it’s a question I asked very early on in my own relational trauma recovery journey, too.
And while trauma is much more elevated as a conversation than it was eight years ago (when I first began writing online), I still find myself doing a lot of psychoeducationin my clinical work about what it is, what impacts can look like, and why talking about it matters so much.
So today’s essay is a summary of some of the key psychoeducational points I like to make.
I hope that reading this post helps you understand it as a concept more. And that it possibly helps you see yourself and your story more clearly.
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Definition
Trauma: Trauma is not defined by the event itself, but by the impact it has on the nervous system. It is the experience of an overwhelming event — or a pattern of events — that exceeds one’s capacity to cope, leaving a lasting imprint on how one thinks, feels, and relates to others.
Contrary to popular belief, trauma isn’t relegated to just a discrete set of experiences or incidents. (like a car crash or wartime conflict.)
Instead, it has a much more expansive definition.
It can be an event, series of events, or prolonged circumstances that are subjectively experienced by the individual who goes through it as physically, mentally, and emotionally harmful and/or life-threatening and that overwhelms this individual’s ability to effectively cope with what they went through.
Despite the subjective nature of what defines trauma, there are still several discreet definitions of traumatic experiences that might be helpful to widen the lens of this conversation even further:
Acute Trauma: Acute trauma refers to a single-incident event. Such as experiencing a wildfire, car crash, school shooting, terrorist event, or house fire.
Chronic Trauma: Chronic trauma is a set of experiences that are repeated and take place over time, such as enduring vicarious trauma on the job, middle school bullying, poverty, exposure to violence in the community, or long-term medical challenges.
Complex Trauma: Complex trauma, is often called developmental or relational trauma. It is the kind that takes place over time in the context of a caretaking relationship. Usually between a parent and child. It happens when they fail to adequately support the child’s biopsychosocial development. Like ongoing neglect, sexual abuse, physical punishment, witnessing domestic violence. Or being raised by a personality- or mood-disordered parent takes place.
Historical/Racial Trauma: This refers to the experiences of racially-driven oppression, targeting, harassment, and discrimination that groups of individuals have experienced over time. Generations after them still suffer the effects of.
Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
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What happens when something overwhelms our ability to cope?
When we experience an event, series of events, or prolonged circumstances that overwhelm our ability to effectively cope, our body and brain are changed both temporarily and sometimes long-term.
How do our brain and body change?
When an event that feels life-threatening or deeply physically or emotionally unsafe occurs, our brain’s “reptilian” part (the limbic system, responsible for survival instincts and automatic bodily functions) takes over and the mammalian and neomammalian parts of our brain (responsible for emotional processing, cognitive processing, and decision making) go “offline” as we switch to pure survival mode.
We stay in this mode until the event or circumstance passes – which can certainly be helpful in surviving the moment!
Then, in some cases, after we move through scary situations, and even if our body and brain respond this way, we’re later able to properly “metabolize” and “digest” the experiences we went through cognitively, emotionally, and physically, leaving us with no maladaptive trauma symptoms.
But at other times, when we aren’t adequately supported (either internally or externally) to make sense of and process the hardship we went through, our brains and the cells of our bodies are left with an imprint and impact of the experiences we endured and we may be left with a host of biopsychosocial consequences that impede our ability to move effectively through our lives, post-trauma.
What are some of the impacts and imprints of unresolved trauma?
Irritability and being very short-tempered, having a short fuse;
Loss of interest in things that used to bring you pleasure, or in life itself;
Numbing through substances and behaviors, repeatedly and compulsively;
Trouble concentrating, focusing, and self-organizing;
Insomnia and challenges sleeping (including nightmares);
Feeling emotionally flooded and overwhelmed very easily;
An inability to visualize a future (let alone a positive future);
Hopelessness and a sense of despair;
Shame, a sense that you’re worthless;
Few or no memories, feeling like your childhood is a fog or a big blank;
Hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, and general mistrust;
Body symptoms such as aches, pains, headaches, GI issues, muscle rigidity;
Substance abuse and eating disorders;
Self-harming or destructive behaviors such as cutting or burning;
Feeling like you have no true self, like you don’t know who you really are.
And more.
Busting a very common trauma myth:
Very importantly, you can have endured trauma and have unresolved trauma impacts playing out in your life and still be “high functioning” and academically, professionally, and financially accomplished.
It’s a common myth – alongside the myth that it is only what war veterans go through – that if you have unresolved trauma symptoms, you must be “low functioning” and barely able to hold down a job, make it through your days, and function well in life.
But what’s also true is that you can be a tech founder, a high-powered lawyer, an active mom, or a student in a top Ph.D. program and still have unresolved trauma symptoms.
You likely just feel like you’re building a house on quicksand and have found a range of ways to cope and adapt around your trauma impacts.
So why talk about trauma? What’s so important about this?
Because when we see a thing more clearly – in this case, a wider, subjective lens of trauma and examples of unresolved trauma impacts – we can perhaps see ourselves and our stories more clearly and therefore get the targeted, expert help we need to actually, truly resolve our trauma symptoms.
Because, yes, it’s possible to resolve trauma symptoms no matter how long-standing they are.
BUT, very importantly, this does require the right kind of support.
And in this case, those who endured trauma and who have unresolved trauma impacts at play in their own lives need trauma therapy – not just general talk therapy.
Trauma therapy that takes place with a licensed mental health professional who has had advanced training in evidence-based trauma treatment modalities such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) can effectively, efficiently, and skillfully resolve the maladaptive biopsychosocial impacts of your trauma.
When unresolved trauma symptoms affect your daily life—whether through emotional flooding, chronic numbness, or that persistent feeling of building on quicksand—specialized trauma therapy offers what general talk therapy cannot: direct intervention at the neurobiological level where trauma lives.
A trauma-trained therapist understands that what even is trauma and how do I know if mine counts isn’t about comparing suffering but recognizing when experiences overwhelmed your nervous system’s capacity to cope. Through evidence-based approaches like EMDR, which uses bilateral stimulation to reprocess traumatic memories, or TF-CBT, which addresses trauma-related cognitions and behaviors, your therapist helps your brain finally metabolize what got stuck—sometimes decades ago—in pure survival mode.
The therapeutic process differs fundamentally from traditional therapy because trauma isn’t just a story you tell but an embodied experience stored in your limbic system, muscle memory, and cellular imprints. Your trauma therapist works simultaneously with your narrative (what happened), your nervous system (how your body still responds), and your belief systems (what you concluded about yourself and safety).
They understand that high-functioning clients—the successful lawyers, devoted parents, accomplished students—often need different approaches than those barely managing, recognizing that sophisticated coping mechanisms can actually make trauma harder to access and treat.
Most importantly, trauma therapy provides the internal and external support that was absent when the original overwhelming experiences occurred, allowing your brain to finally complete the interrupted processing.
This isn’t about endlessly talking about trauma but about systematically updating your nervous system’s outdated survival programming, proving through repeated therapeutic experiences that the danger has passed, that you survived, and that your symptoms—no matter how long-standing—can resolve when given the right specialized support your system has been waiting for.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
I’m a driven woman, but I often feel overwhelmed and anxious. Could this be related to past trauma, even if I don’t remember a specific ‘big T’ trauma?
Absolutely. Trauma isn’t always about major catastrophic events. Many driven, ambitious women experience the lingering effects of ‘little t’ traumas or childhood emotional neglect, which can manifest as chronic anxiety, perfectionism, and a feeling of being overwhelmed, even in successful lives. Recognizing this connection is the first step towards healing.
Why do I struggle to talk about my past, even with people I trust? It feels like I’m protecting myself, but it also keeps me isolated.
It’s very common to feel a strong protective instinct around past painful experiences. Your brain might be trying to shield you from re-experiencing that pain. However, this avoidance can inadvertently create a sense of isolation. Finding a safe space and a trusted professional to gently explore these feelings can be incredibly liberating.
I’ve always been told to ‘just get over it’ or ‘be strong.’ How does talking about trauma actually help, instead of just making me relive it?
Talking about trauma, especially with a trauma-informed therapist, isn’t about reliving pain aimlessly. It’s about processing the memories and emotions in a safe, controlled environment. This allows your brain to integrate the experience, reducing its power over your present life and helping you build new, healthier coping mechanisms.
I feel like I’m constantly striving for perfection and success, but it never feels like enough. Is this a trauma response, and how can I break free from this cycle?
The relentless pursuit of perfection and feeling ‘not enough’ is a common trauma response, often stemming from early experiences where your worth felt conditional. It’s a way your system tries to gain control and safety. Breaking this cycle involves recognizing these patterns, practicing self-compassion, and gradually re-parenting yourself to understand that your inherent worth is not tied to your achievements.
What if I start talking about my trauma and it opens up a Pandora’s Box? I’m worried I won’t be able to handle what comes out.
It’s completely understandable to fear opening a ‘Pandora’s Box.’ A skilled trauma therapist will guide you through this process gently and at your pace, ensuring you have the resources and coping strategies to manage any emotions that arise. The goal is not to overwhelm you, but to empower you to heal and integrate your experiences safely.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
Explore Annie’s clinical writing on relational trauma recovery.
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As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Trauma is subjectively defined by whether an experience overwhelmed YOUR ability to cope, not by comparing it to others' experiences. If you're experiencing symptoms like hypervigilance, emotional numbing, chronic anxiety, or feel like your childhood is a fog, your nervous system is telling you something traumatic occurred—regardless of whether it seems "bad enough" compared to others.
Absolutely. Many lawyers, tech founders, physicians, and devoted parents have unresolved trauma while maintaining impressive external success. You've likely developed sophisticated coping mechanisms that allow you to function despite symptoms. High achievement often becomes the coping mechanism itself—but it's still building a house on quicksand.
Regular talk therapy focuses on thoughts and behaviors, while trauma therapy addresses how traumatic experiences are stored in your nervous system and body. Trauma therapists have specialized training in modalities like EMDR or TF-CBT that specifically target the neurobiological impacts of trauma, not just the psychological ones.
Yes. Your brain retains neuroplasticity throughout life, meaning trauma stored in your nervous system can be processed and integrated at any age. Many people find relief from decades-old symptoms through proper trauma therapy. The impacts aren't permanent—they're treatable conditions waiting for the right intervention.
Memory gaps or feeling like childhood is "foggy" is a common trauma symptom. When children experience overwhelming events, the brain sometimes protects itself by fragmenting or suppressing memories. This doesn't mean nothing happened—it often means something did, and your brain protected you the only way it knew how.
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