TL;DR –The "Curse of Competency" afflicts high-functioning individuals—particularly women—who appear so capable, accomplished, and "together" that nobody realizes they're drowning. When you're the CEO everyone counts on, the daughter who manages family crises, the colleague who always delivers, people assume you're fine and direct their support elsewhere. You've become so skilled at handling everything that you've accidentally taught everyone around you that you don't need help, even as your plate becomes impossibly full and your internal resources deplete.
This pattern often originates in childhood where being "easy," capable, and low-maintenance was how you secured attachment or avoided criticism. Now as an adult, you may not even recognize your own struggles because you've internalized the belief that needing help means being "needy" or "weak." The curse perpetuates itself: you appear fine so no one offers help, you can't ask for support because that feels vulnerable, and you keep taking on more until you're secretly overwhelmed while outwardly thriving. Breaking this cycle requires recognizing your limits, examining childhood beliefs about vulnerability, strengthening boundaries around your capacity, and learning that asking for help isn't weakness but wisdom—that you can be both accomplished and human.
I’m a therapist in the Bay Area.
I’ve been practicing here for almost 10 years now.
And in that time I’ve had the honor and privilege of working with some very high-functioning, accomplished women. CEO’s, founders, corporate lawyers, entrepreneurs, engineers, doctors and so on.
Women who are incredibly talented and who shine at work.
The kind of woman who everyone knows they can count on.
The ones whose plates at work get more and more full as their bosses, funders, colleagues, and boards pile more and more tasks and responsibilities on them.
“She’ll get it done. She always does.”
“If you want something done, give it to her.”
“You always step up, thank you for stepping up again and handling this.”
“You’ve got this, right? Yeah, I knew you would.”
“I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
Sounds amazing, right?
Must feel good to know that you’re so essential. And that you’re so high-functioning, and highly regarded in the workplace, no?
Well, maybe.
But you see, I think there’s also a shadow side to being the one who everyone counts on, to being the one who doesn’t let anyone down, to being the one who just takes on more and more and more.
It’s a downside that I call The Curse Of Competency and I want to talk about it with you today.
What’s the downside of being so high-functioning?
While it may not seem obvious to think of there being a downside to being high-functioning, the reality is that there sometimes can be.
When you’re the achiever, the high-functioning one, the super-strong one in your family, your workplace, or even in your community, you may not be the one people think of to help first (or at all).
You may “fool” people into believing you’ve got it all together, that you’re not struggling, that you’re not overwhelmed because of your track record of competency and accomplishments, but also because of any messages that you send (and have been conditioned to send) about being “fine.”
When you look like you have it all together, when you explicitly or implicity state that you are “fine” when really you’re not, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to receive and ask for help, to be supported in the ways you may truly need and want to be.
You consciously or unconsciously signal to others that they don’t need to worry about you. That their focus can go to someone else – the challenged younger sibling, the low-performer at work, your squeaky wheel colleague, the struggling neighbor, etc.
You appear to be okay, but inwardly you’re not.
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Look, the reality is that the person who sometimes needs help the most, is the person who least looks like she needs help.
THIS is at the crux of the curse of competency.
You need help, you want help, support, resources, etc., but because of how you come off to others and because of any stories and beliefs you hold that limit you from asking for help, you may not receive the support you truly need.
So what’s to be done about The Curse Of Competency?
Well, first of all, it’s important to know how and if this is playing out in your life as a high-functioning individual.
In what arenas – at home, with your family of origin, with your in-laws, at the workplace – where are you struggling?
Where have you reached your limits? With your time, energy, demands, capabilities, emotional capacity, and more?
How are you struggling and in what ways are you not receiving the help you actually need?
With childcare, with re-distribution of work and responsibilities, with ongoing obligations?
And then, you must ask yourself: what stories and beliefs and barriers are getting in the way of me asking for help?
What do I believe about asking for help? Do I believe I get to ask for help?
What did I learn about appearing “needy” and “vulnerable” growing up?
(Note: I put those words in quotes because those are often stories and words some of us assign to what it means to ask for help. It doesn’t mean that asking for help is, in fact, “needy” or “vulnerable”.)
And you must reflect on your boundaries.
When we have poor internal boundaries, not knowing where and when our own sense of “enough” lies, we can sometimes keep taking on greater responsibilities and obligations even though a part of us is crying out “ENOUGH!”
Feeling overburdened, over-asked, over-expected-of, and not doing something about it, not speaking up about it, is a boundary issue.
The stronger and more esteemed we are, the more sound and solid our boundaries are. And the more we can reverse The Curse of Competency. We can still be high-functioning women who give themselves permission. To not only be accomplished but to know when they’re struggling and who ask for help.
Psychologically whole, robust, resilient, and esteemed women and men who have good boundaries and who can respect and protect the boundaries of others are needed in this world now more than ever.
Breaking the Curse of Competency Through Vulnerability-Focused Therapy
When you arrive at therapy carrying the exhausting burden of being everyone’s rock—the CEO who never misses a deadline, the daughter who manages her parents’ crises, the friend who always has emotional bandwidth for others—your therapist sees through the polished exterior to recognize the profound depletion that competency without boundaries creates.
You’ve become so skilled at appearing “fine” that even you might not realize how not-fine you actually are, having learned early that being capable meant being valuable and that needing help meant being a burden.
The therapeutic work begins with examining the childhood origins of this pattern: perhaps you were the parentified child who held the family together, the “easy” one who never caused problems, or the achiever whose accomplishments brought the only positive attention in a chaotic household.
Your therapist helps you understand how 11 signs of high-functioning depression can hide behind exceptional performance, making it crucial to look beyond external success to internal suffering. Together, you explore how competency became both your superpower and your prison—keeping you safe from criticism but isolated from support.
The vulnerability work in therapy feels counterintuitive at first. Your therapist might invite you to practice saying “I’m struggling” or “I need help” in session, noticing the immediate anxiety or shame that arises. You explore the catastrophic beliefs underneath: if people see you struggle, they’ll lose respect for you; if you’re not indispensable, you’re disposable; if you have needs, you’re needy. These aren’t truths but trauma-informed survival strategies from a time when being low-maintenance was your best option for securing attachment.
Through gradual exposure to vulnerability—first with your therapist, then with trusted others—you begin redistributing the weight you’ve been carrying alone. Your therapist helps you recognize that asking for help isn’t weakness but wisdom, that having limits isn’t failure but humanity.
You practice disappointing others in small ways, saying no to additional responsibilities, admitting when you’re at capacity. Each time the world doesn’t end, your nervous system updates its programming: you can be both capable and human, both accomplished and supported, both high-functioning and honestly struggling when you need to be.
I hope that you’ll join me in being curious about this topic and working to esteem and empower yourself even more and reverse the effects of The Curse of Competency.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
