Three little-known communication tools to improve your relationships.
As a psychotherapist, I do actually believe there are some grains of truth in this parable. I believe that we are all fundamentally drawn to connect with one another, and I also believe that sometimes in trying to connect, we miss.
And those misses can be so painful!
I also think that there are really concrete and skillful ways we can work towards better connection in our relationships and, to use the parable of the fable, reduce those spiny pricks.
One of the ways we can create a better connection with one another is by having some really effective communication tools in our proverbial relationship toolbox.
So today, I want to share with you a handful of tools I use with my clients and that I try to use in my own life.
These tools are largely drawn from my studies of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) and from my work counseling couples, but the tools can really apply to any type of relationship be it romantic, friendship, family, coworker or neighbor.
I invite you to read on to see which of these tools appeals to you. See what you might like to add to your own relationship toolbox.
Communication Tool #1: Frame the Conversation for Success.
If you’re a human in any kind of relationship, there are likely going to be moments where you have conversations with someone about your needs, wants, and opinions.
And sometimes the person you’re talking to has different needs, wants, and opinions.
Ever happened to you? I’m guessing so.
I’m also going to take a guess here. Sometimes those conversations haven’t gone exactly the way you want them to.
That makes sense: expressing our emotions can be vulnerable.
It can frequently trigger defensiveness both in ourselves and in the other person. (those darn porcupine quills that get in the way!)
Practice a conversation frame that looks like this:
- Check in with them and get their permission about talking at this time.
- State the reason why you want to have this conversation (hint: it’s because you care).
- State the action/event/trigger of the conversation objectively (as a video camera might have recorded it).
- Name the impact or, in other words, how this made you feel. (eg: “I feel sad.” not “I feel like you don’t care if I’m sad.”).
- Check in with the other person about their intent versus impact.
- Make a request (not a demand) for what you would like instead.
- Be available to hear the other person’s response and perspective.
