In need of better boundaries with family during the holidays? Read this.
What I want to talk to you about today isn’t exactly one of the “sexiest” topics out there in the whole personal growth world, but, as a psychotherapist, I actually think it’s one of the *single* most important topics we could possibly talk about.
What I want to talk to you about today isn’t exactly one of the “sexiest” topics out there in the whole personal growth world, but, as a psychotherapist, I actually think it’s one of the *single* most important topics we could possibly talk about. It is such a big and important topic that I created a whole course centered around it.
SUMMARY
Family holiday gatherings can be a minefield for anyone with difficult family dynamics — and the pressure to show up, stay present, and maintain the peace can be exhausting. This post offers practical, grounded strategies for setting better limits with family during the holidays: how to prepare, what to say, and how to take care of yourself before, during, and after.
Boundary Setting in Family Systems
Boundary setting in family systems refers to the practice of clearly communicating what you will and will not accept in family interactions — including time, conversation topics, physical contact, and emotional exposure. For adults with relational trauma histories, family gatherings often activate old nervous system patterns; clear, compassionate limits protect both your well-being and the quality of interaction.
Related reading: 15 Signs That Your Boundaries Need Work, How Boundaries Impact Every Area of Your Life and What To Do If Yours Need Work., What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?
It’s a topic that impacts every area of your life daily, hourly, constantly. From your romantic relationships to your career, from your finances to holidays with your in-laws, today’s topic is … drumroll please…
BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are the psychological limits that define where one person ends and another begins, encompassing emotional, physical, time, and energy parameters. Healthy boundaries are not walls or acts of aggression; they are acts of self-definition that communicate what you need to feel safe, respected, and whole in your relationships.
This all-important B-word impacts every area of your life. And if you weren’t taught and modeled good, functional boundaries growing up or if you’re in relationship with people who can’t or don’t respect your boundaries, then how you currently understand and hold your own personal boundaries may be negatively and pervasively impacting your life (not to mention the lives of your loved ones).
Thanksgiving approaches. Many of us head home to be with our families for the holiday, the perennial topic of boundaries may emerge for some.
Now, I know, this is one of those vague therapy terms that gets thrown around a lot. But in this article, I break it down and give you some concrete examples. I’ll share what healthy and less functional ones look like. And also share with you ways to improve your boundaries if you need to.
So, in this latest letter from the archive while on maternity leave series, I hope you find value in this article on personal boundaries and how to improve them if needed.
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Frequently Asked Questions
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Boundaries: A Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. Norton.
- Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
- Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. Guilford Press.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.
FREE QUIZ
The invisible patterns you can’t outwork…
Your LinkedIn profile tells one story. Your 3 AM thoughts tell another. This quiz reveals the childhood patterns keeping you running — and why enough is never enough.
TAKE THE QUIZIf family gatherings leave you feeling depleted, overwhelmed, or not fully yourself, it’s a strong sign. Boundaries help protect your well-being and ensure you can connect authentically without losing your inner balance.
Boundaries are not about shutting people out, but about protecting your emotional health and preserving connection. They are clear limits you set to manage what you will and won’t accept, allowing you to show up as your authentic self.
Yes, a persistent feeling of unease or being unseen in close relationships can stem from relational trauma. This isn’t about dramatic events, but subtle, inconsistent caregiving experiences that prime your nervous system to react to old dynamics.
Begin by identifying what specifically depletes you during family interactions. Then, clearly communicate your limits regarding time, topics, or emotional exposure. Remember, this is about creating safety for your nervous system, not distancing.
By setting boundaries, you create a foundation for more authentic and nourishing connections. It allows you to manage overwhelm, maintain your inner balance, and engage with others from a place of strength and self-respect, rather than depletion.
Annie Wright
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton AuthorHelping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
Work With AnnieListen to Annie on Podcast
If you found this article helpful, you may enjoy hearing me discuss these ideas in conversation:
- I went deep on this topic — including specific scripts and strategies — in my episode on Sorta Awesome about holiday boundaries.
