RELATIONSHIPS
7 Key Relationship Insights I've Learned As A Couples Counselor.
When people learn I’m a couples counselor, I’m often asked for any juicy tidbits or words of wisdom I might have to support them in their relationship.
When people learn I’m a couples counselor, I’m often asked for any juicy tidbits or words of wisdom I might have to support them in their relationship.
SUMMARY
Couples counseling reveals patterns that appear again and again across every relationship: unspoken needs, childhood wounds imported into adult dynamics, and the gap between what partners intend and what they actually communicate. These 7 insights offer an honest, grounded look at what makes relationships work — and what quietly dismantles them.
Definition
Attachment-Based Couples Therapy: A therapeutic approach to relationship work grounded in attachment theory — examining how each partner’s childhood relational experiences and attachment style shape the dynamics, triggers, and cycles playing out in their adult partnership. Particularly effective for couples where relational trauma backgrounds are present in one or both partners.
Juicy and wise, they may or may not be but there are a few things I’ve learned for sure about relationships in my work as a couples counselor that I’m always happy to share with folks.
Today, I want to share these seven key relationship insights with you in the hopes that they may feel helpful and supportive to you and your relationships.
1) Relationships are often hard work.
RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Disney, Rom-coms, TV and hyper-edited social media have led many of us to believe something along the lines of “when you’re with The One it’s easy.” And I completely disagree.
Long-term, committed, romantic relationship is often hard. And that’s perfectly normal and natural. After all, you get two people together with all their triggers, wounds, quirks, preferences and neuroses and then you expect them to manage a house and build a life together through sickness, financial stressors, changing bodies, changing libidos, in-laws, kids, commutes and more – how could this possibly always be easy even if you are with “The One” (a belief I also don’t subscribe to.)?!
The bottom line is that, in my professional and personal opinion, relationships are often hard work. And… with that said, some relationships may be harder or easier than others depending on the specific context, compatibility, and willingness of any couple to heal and to grow together.
2) There’s no such thing as a perfect partner and you don’t get a wish list of “101 Must-Haves.”
“We are most alive when we find the courage to be vulnerable and to connect.”
— Brené Brown, PhD, LCSW, The Gifts of Imperfection
BRENÉ BROWN
Quite honestly, I don’t believe in the concept of “The One” and I don’t believe there’s a single perfect partner out there for each of us (see this blog post for more of my thoughts on that). I also don’t think it’s helpful or realistic to create lists of “101 Must Haves” in a partner when you’re looking to find, keep, or heal a relationship.
“101 Must Haves” is a lot and it’s doubtful any one person could fulfill such a list no matter what was on it. Now that said, you absolutely get to have some preferences about who and what you’re looking for in a partner.
Indeed, often what I recommend to clients is to reflect on and create a list of “10 Must Have” character traits of a partner (think of qualities of character, how you want to feel around them, and what’s most important for you in terms of values and life goals) to help them clarify what’s most needed/wanted in a partner.
3) Relationships are where the rubber of personal growth meets the road.
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I think insights gained from books, articles, personal growth seminars and more are fabulous. And I think that where those insights and aspirations to growth and healing will always get tested is in the often messy, real-life experiential arena of relationships.
Relationships are our greatest mirror, the catalyst for bringing up and reflecting back to us all of our STUFF. Is this painful and hard sometimes? Sure. But the good news is that relationship – a certain kind of relationship – can also provide us with the very opportunities we need to heal, grow, and transform old childhood wounds, more so than any book or seminar ever will.
What kind of relationship helps facilitate that? Well, a kind of relationship where there is a safe container between the partners. In other words, a firm commitment to each other and a willingness to grow and to not give up when the going gets tough (as it inevitably will sometimes). That’s the kind of relationship that, I think, has the opportunity to be a deeply healing experience for the people in it.
4) Commitment and a willingness to grow are critical. These should be on your list.
Per the above, consider adding an ability to commit and a willingness to grow on your list of desired qualities in a partner. At the end of the day, these two qualities – commitment to you and a willingness to grow in the context of a relationship – count for so much over the long arc of a committed, romantic relationship.
5) 69% of your problems won’t be solved. They can only be managed (sorry).
According to nation’s leading couples researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, 69% of a couples’ perpetual problems won’t actually get solved. They can only be managed.
In other words, those issues that you two tend to gridlock over again and again (e.g.: She’s neat, he’s messy. She’s always early, he’s always late. He’s a saver, she’s a spender.), are likely due to inherent temperament and personality differences.
The issues then, will likely keep reappearing over the course of your relationship and won’t be solved. They can only be managed (hint: couples counseling is an excellent resources for learning how to manage these problems and make space for both of your differences in the relationship.).
6) You can have many different relationships with the same person.
Over the course of a couple’s life together, depending on how you both show up for each other and your personal work, it’s possible for the dynamics and patterns between you to shift and heal and transform in ways that may feel unimaginable.
The person you’re struggling with so much right now could be the person who you re-fall madly in love with again down the road. Or vice versa. We as people are so changeable, so unfixed, so ripe with potential for transformation, and so is your relationship.
I personally and professionally think it’s possible to feel like you’ve had multiple different relationships with the same person over the course of committed, long-term relationship.
7) Each universe between a couple is a world of its own.
I love the visual of those old, Tolkien-esque maps where there are forests, markers, unbeaten paths, mysteries, and blind spots.
I tend to think that the world each couple constellates between themselves in relationship is something like one of these old, highly detailed maps of an alternate world. The universe and land a couple creates between them is wholly unique and totally unlike the proverbial relational topography that any other couple might experience.
What do I mean by this? I mean that no one else is the expert of your experience and can tell you what your relationship should look like. You and your partner get to make up your own rules about how often (or not) you want to have sex, how you split household chores, how you divvy the finances, how you manage your sleeping arrangements, how you sweet talk and geek out together behind closed doors.
This — the texture and landscape of your relationship — is totally yours and will be unlike that of anyone else. Only you can really know and navigate and create this terrain together. (But a good couples counselor can definitely be a guide along the way for you.)
Wrapping this up.
So there you have it. Seven key insights I’ve learned from my work as a couples counselor and as a fellow human in relationship. I hope this list of insights felt helpful to you no matter where you are in your own relationship journey.
Now I’d love to hear from you:
Do you agree with this list of insights? What’s another insight you’ve learned from your own relationship experience that you’d like to add to this list?
Leave me a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to respond.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
Resources:
Eager to read more of my blog posts on relationships? Check out the following:
- The Myth of the Perfect Partner & The Myth That Love Should Be Easy.
- “What if I never meet The One?”
- A Care Package for Your Relationship.
- Three little-known communication tools to improve your relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Attachment Styles: A Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.
- Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital Processes Predictive of Later Dissolution: Behavior, Physiology, and Health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The Timing of Divorce: Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce Over a 14-Year Period. Journal of Marriage and Family.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
Relationships are inherently complex because they bring together two individuals with unique histories, needs, and attachment styles. Even with the ‘right’ partner, challenges arise from navigating these differences, past relational wounds, and the everyday stresses of life. It’s normal for relationships to require effort and conscious engagement to thrive.
Your early relational experiences and attachment style significantly shape how you interact in adult relationships. These patterns can manifest as difficulty trusting, fear of abandonment, or challenges with intimacy. Recognizing these influences is the first step toward making conscious choices and building healthier connections.
Improving communication involves active listening, expressing your needs clearly using ‘I’ statements, and creating regular time for meaningful connection. It also means being willing to be vulnerable and to repair after conflicts. Small, consistent efforts to understand and be understood can significantly strengthen your bond.
Breaking free from unhelpful patterns requires awareness, courage, and often professional support. Start by identifying the specific patterns that keep recurring and exploring their roots. Therapy can provide a safe space to process these patterns and develop new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
Absolutely. While relational trauma can create significant challenges, healing is possible and fulfilling relationships are attainable. With the right support, you can process past wounds, develop more secure attachment, and build the kind of deep, authentic connection you deserve. Many people with difficult histories go on to have deeply satisfying relationships.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
Explore Annie’s clinical writing on relational trauma recovery.
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LMFT #95719 · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
