“It is not the beauty of a building you should look at; it’s the construction of the foundation that will stand the test of time.” — David Allan Coe
Think of your psychological life as a proverbial house.
When it comes to how and why early relational trauma can be so damaging and detrimental to the individual who endures it, I often like to use the metaphor of “the house of life” with my clients and my online course students to help them understand both the impact of what they endured as well as the criticality of doing their relational trauma recovery work now.
So, think of life like a proverbial house.
When we’re building a new house the first step is, of course, to lay a solid foundation so that we can build sound, sturdy floors on top of it.
But what makes a strong “house” foundation in childhood?
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What makes a strong “house” foundation in childhood?
When it comes to our early psychological development, the analogous “strong foundation” we would ideally receive and have laid down as infants and children would be a foundation hallmarked by secure attachments, consistent and responsive caregiving, and a nurturing environment.
Research has consistently shown that secure attachment in infancy is crucial for healthy psychological development.
Secure attachment, as you know, is formed when a caregiver (or caregivers) is responsive to an infant’s biological and emotional needs, providing a sense of safety and security.
Consistent and responsive caregiving also plays a vital role in building this proverbial foundation.
This kind of caregiving – similar to secure attachment but slightly different – helps in the development of secure attachments and emotional regulation, which are essential for later success in relationships and personal well-being.
Additionally, a nurturing environment that includes stimulation, safety, and positive reinforcement is essential for healthy development.
These elements—a secure attachment, consistent and responsive caregiving, and a nurturing environment— lay a firm foundation that supports the psychological well-being of infants and children.
All of this, these critical ingredients, enables them to grow into resilient and emotionally healthy adults who can then, proverbially, build more and more “floors on top of their house of life.”
What do floors in this analogy mean?
Floors are like additional (often heavily relational) responsibilities in the form of dating, mating and parenting; career progression and advancement; sound financial management; healthy friendships, and so much more.
But what happens if you don’t get these needs met?
What happens if the proverbial foundation of your “house of life” is not sound because you endured relational trauma?
What happens to the floors you try and build then?
How early relational trauma damages the foundation of our house.
Many trauma thought leaders and advances in neuroimaging have shown us how profound and detrimental the impacts of enduring early relational trauma experiences can be.
The work of one of my favorite trauma clinicians – Allan Schore, Ph.D. – emphasizes that secure attachment, consistent emotional availability, attunement, and safety are crucial for the development of the brain’s right hemisphere, which governs emotional regulation and social interaction.
Research by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. highlights that chronic trauma – including relational trauma – can alter the brain’s architecture, specifically affecting the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus, impairing emotional regulation, heightening stress responses, and disrupting memory processing.
Another one of my favorite clinical thought leaders – Judith Herman, M.D. – points out in her research that children who endure relational trauma often develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to manage their distress (pervasive feelings of shame, distrust, and abandonment), prompting maladaptive behaviors like dissociation, self-harm, and substance abuse.
These impacts – underdeveloped capacities for emotional regulation and social interaction, heightened stress responses, disrupted memory processing, pervasive feelings of shame and distrust, etc – illustrate how profound “cracks” can develop in our proverbial psychological foundation should we endure relational trauma.
Early relational trauma, in other words, damages the foundation of our house which, I personally and professionally believe, makes life in later years feel harder.
How does early relational trauma make life feel harder later?
Those proverbial cracks in the foundation make the base of our proverbial house less able to more appropriately bear the weight of added floors (floors being analogous to added responsibilities, more demanding relationships, advanced life stressors).
For example: an adult who endured relational trauma as a young girl—let’s call her Jane—who was raised by a narcissistic father and a mother with dependent personality disorder will likely develop a host of maladaptive beliefs and behaviors through childhood and adolescence as a result.
Jane might have pervasive unconscious maladaptive beliefs such as:
“The only way to get approval is to be perfect and be a good girl.”
“I need to take care of their needs first so I don’t get rejected.”
These internal scripts, these patterns running the show, manifest as chronic perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors in Jane’s adult life.
She strives to excel in her career, often working long hours and taking on more responsibilities than she can handle.
Jane avoids making mistakes at all costs, fearing that any imperfection might lead to rejection or criticism.
This behavior leads to chronic stress, burnout, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy despite her accomplishments.
Additionally, Jane frequently neglects her own needs to prioritize those of others, especially in her personal relationships.
She goes out of her way to ensure her partner, friends, and colleagues are happy, often at the expense of her well-being.
She finds it difficult to set boundaries and say no, leading to emotional exhaustion and resentment.
This behavior stems from her fear of abandonment and the belief that her worth is contingent upon serving others.
By the time Jane reaches her mid-30s, these coping mechanisms become untenable.
She feels mentally, emotionally, and physically at the edge of what she can endure. Something has to give.
Jane is feeling those proverbial “cracks in the foundation of her house of life” more…
By the time she arrives into the start of her mid-life, the house isn’t feeling so sturdy.
In fact it feels like it’s ready to cave in.
Jane’s work now is to go back and do the foundational work to repair the foundation of her “house of life” so that she can make it all feel sturdier and more tenable.
So, without a doubt, enduring early relational trauma can damage the foundation of our house but, also without a doubt, it is possible to repair the proverbial foundation of our house of life that may have been damaged by relational trauma.
This is what I do day in and day out in my work with my therapy clients.
And now I’d love to hear from you:
Did this analogy help you better understand why and how early relational trauma can be so impactful especially as you take on more responsibilities (aka: floors of your house)?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Finally, as you contemplate beginning relational trauma therapy to recover from your own trauma symptoms, I would strongly encourage you to work with a licensed mental health professional who is also trained in an evidence-based trauma modality (like EMDR).
If you recognize yourself in what I’ve shared – if you’re that high-achieving woman who looks polished on the outside but feels shaky within – I’d love to support you in building true inner steadiness. Here’s how we can work together:
Take my free quiz to understand your inner foundation. In just 10 minutes, you’ll gain clarity on where you need support plus receive a personalized resource guide to help strengthen your psychological groundwork.
Ready for trauma-informed therapy? If you’re in California or Florida, my boutique therapy center, Evergreen Counseling, is here for you. Book a free consultation with our Clinical Intake Director who will thoughtfully match you with the best therapist for your needs (possibly even me!).
Living elsewhere? My executive coaching services are available virtually worldwide, designed specifically for ambitious women healing from relational trauma while maintaining their drive. Learn more.
Want structured guidance? Join the waitlist for Fixing the Foundations, my signature course launching 2025. Using a neuroscience-based approach, I’ll guide you through healing relational trauma and building sustainable inner strength.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
References
- Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Winterheld, H. A. (2021). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. In J. A. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed., pp. 1-26). Guilford Press.
- Schore, A. N. (2000). Attachment and the regulation of the right brain. Attachment & Human Development, 2(1), 23-47. Retrieved from https://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreAttachHumDev.pdf
- van der Kolk, B. (n.d.). How trauma affects the body and brain. Retrieved from https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/blog/how-trauma-affects-the-body-and-brain
- Herman, J. (2023). Trauma and recovery. Retrieved from https://www.lacheim.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Judith-Herman-Trauma-and-Recovery.pdf
