Family estrangements are more common than you’d think.
First of all, being estranged from members of your family-of-origin may seem to be the exception rather than the norm. That may be factually true. But over the years, I’ve come to believe that estrangement – be it the exception – is still a reality faced by more people than probably any of us know.
For example, according to 2015 research done by The University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research and the UK non-profit Stand Alone, it appears that 1 in 5 British families have some sort of estrangement within them.
And this study of US mother-adult child pairs found that about 10% of mothers were estranged from one adult child.
A 2015 study by Richard Conti that was based on college and graduate students, primarily female, showed that more than one-quarter reported extended estrangement, while close to 44 percent reported being estranged at some point.
I want to mention that Tara Westover’s incredible, megahit 2018 book – Educated – clearly struck a nerve. Not only for its sensational story but also, I suspect, for its resonance at some level.
The population who seeks out relational trauma recovery therapy with me is self-selecting. And thus disproportionately inclined to experience estrangement within their families of origins. I’ve heard enough stories from a wide enough range of people over the last decade to cement my opinion. Family estrangement is much, more common than most people realize.
But still, despite it being a relatively common experience, it remains a sorely under-discussed subject. (Sidenote: I’m doing my best to change that!) And so, when it comes to parenting, many of us who live with family estrangement may feel, quite simply, adrift at how and when we’ll appropriately discuss this with our kids.
How do we tell our kids about the estrangement in our family?
“How do we tell our kids about the estrangement in our family?”
Well, first of all, I want to acknowledge this. You don’t ever have to do this if that doesn’t feel right to you.
This – the decision whether or not to talk about the estrangement in your family – is totally subjective. Much like how you decide to talk about it is also a subjective experience.
Like with all things when it comes to parenting – there’s no one single right and best answer.
As with everything else with our kids, it’s up to you to gauge what’s best for you and your unique situation.
