RELATIONSHIPS
99 Questions to Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship.
Remember those early days of a new relationship? When you’re both staring star-struck at each other across the restaurant table and dreamily fantasizing and talking together about your similarities, goals, and visions for your life?
Remember those early days of a new relationship? When you’re both staring star-struck at each other across the restaurant table and dreamily fantasizing and talking together about your similarities, goals, and visions for your life? Remember how easy and intuitive it was to ask deep, probing, intimate questions of one another? Remember how close and connected you felt to your honey? And remember what this level of emotional intimacy felt like?
SUMMARY
Emotional intimacy doesn’t develop on its own — it requires the courage to be known and the safety to know another. These 99 questions are designed to take couples and close relationships deeper, past surface conversation into the genuine, vulnerable territory where real connection lives.
Definition
Emotional Intimacy: The experience of feeling truly known, seen, and accepted by another person — including the parts you usually guard. For women with relational trauma histories, building emotional intimacy requires both an external partner with sufficient capacity and internal work to develop the tolerance for genuine vulnerability.
You two were getting to know each other’s internal worlds deeply and that hungry and loving exploration, discovery, and curiosity likely created a strong sense of emotional intimacy between you two, didn’t it?
And yet, if you’re like most long-term couples, over time once the honeymoon phase of your relationship wanes, that same level of newness, curiosity and provocative question-asking of one another can often give way. Instead, many of us slip into end-of-day chats and gripes about work, exchanges about to-do’s and chores, and “what should we do about dinner tonight?” and “what do you want to watch on Netflix” type-dialogue.
Sound familiar?
Now please understand, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this. But often, at least for many couples I see in my couples counseling practice, this lack of engaging dialogue with one another can sometimes lead to a decline in emotional intimacy and feelings of connection with one another – the very lifeblood and juice of a relationship.
The reality is, getting to know your partner’s internal world is important. Not only for the sake of better understanding the person you’re sharing your life with. But also because it can lead to a significant increase in your emotional intimacy with one another and a strengthening of your relationship overall.
Indeed, in his extensive research, preeminent couples researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that emotionally intelligent and successful couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. But for most of us in our relationships, over time, this discovery and cultivation of one another’s internal worlds stop being such a high priority.
That’s why I wanted to create a list of 99 questions and conversation starters. This is in part inspired by my understanding of Dr. Gottman’s concept of Love Maps. It’s also partly inspired by this post, “Save Your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions” of Glennon Melton Doyle of Momastery. I want to help you and your beloved begin to have some more dynamic, probing conversations. This will help strengthen and support the emotional intimacy between you.
So read on for a list of 99 questions and conversation starters. Explore these with your honey to help strengthen the emotional intimacy of your relationship.
99 Questions to Help Strengthen the Emotional Intimacy of Your Relationship.
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RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.
Okay, caveat, in no way am I saying, sit your honey down and plow through this list together. That might be exhausting and likely have the opposite effect of bringing you closer.
What I’m instead inviting you to do is peruse this list. See what strikes your fancy. And then perhaps the next time you and your honey are stuck in traffic or out for a restaurant meal together, call on one of these questions to invite some new, potentially enriching conversation into your relationship.
See what happens when you change the dance steps of your everyday conversation. Get deeply curious about that other person across from you, the person you think you know so well but who might have some surprising answers to these questions. See how this impacts the emotional intimacy between you two.
And please, use this list purely as a starting point for generating and brainstorming your own rich and dynamic questions. There are a million things you could ask your honey. And this list of 99 is only meant to be a jumping-off point. Sound good? Great.
What are 99 emotional intimacy questions you can ask your partner?
“We are most alive when we find the courage to be vulnerable and to connect.”
— Brené Brown, PhD, LCSW, The Gifts of Imperfection
BRENÉ BROWN
- What do you remember thinking to yourself the first time you saw me?
- When did you know you were in love with me?
- What are three qualities about me that you were first attracted to?
- What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?
- Is there a smell or a sound that you remember from those early days that still makes you smile?
- If our love story was a movie, what movie does it most closely resemble?
- What was your favorite date that we ever had? What made it so special for you?
- Do you have a favorite adventure that we took together? What made it your favorite?
- How and when did you know we’d make it as a couple?
- What are three strengths you see between us that we possess as a team?
- What’s your very favorite memory of me?
- How did you know you wanted to be with me? Did it happen in a moment or over time?
- How do I make you feel especially loved in our relationship?
- What are some of the little things I do that kind of drive you nuts but also that you secretly like about me?
- What’s your favorite sexual memory of us? Or top three memories?
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Frequently Asked Questions
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Attachment Styles: A Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
References
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. Handbook of Personal Relationships.
- Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
- Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. Norton & Company.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Attachment trauma refers to disruptions in early bonding with caregivers that can leave lasting imprints on your nervous system and relational patterns. It can show up in adulthood as difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, or a persistent sense of not being ‘enough,’ even when you’re outwardly successful.
External achievement is a testament to your resilience, but it doesn’t automatically heal underlying relational wounds. The impact of early attachment trauma can continue to influence your inner world and relationships, even when your outer life looks successful. True healing involves addressing these deeper layers, not just outward accomplishment.
Signs that attachment trauma may be influencing your relationships include recurring patterns of conflict, difficulty with intimacy or vulnerability, intense fear of abandonment or rejection, or choosing partners who replicate early relational dynamics. Noticing these patterns is the first step toward understanding their roots.
Healing from attachment trauma is a gradual process that typically involves developing greater self-awareness, learning to regulate your nervous system, and having corrective relational experiences, often within a therapeutic relationship. It’s about slowly building a sense of safety and security from within, rather than seeking it solely from external sources.
While self-help practices like mindfulness and journaling can be beneficial, attachment trauma often requires professional support for deeper healing. A trauma-informed therapist can provide a safe, attuned relationship that itself becomes a corrective experience, helping you rewire old patterns and build a more secure sense of self.
Further Reading on Relational Trauma
Explore Annie’s clinical writing on relational trauma recovery.
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Annie Wright
LMFT · Relational Trauma Specialist · W.W. Norton Author
Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.
As a licensed psychotherapist, trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.
