ANXIETY & DEPRESSION

5 Important Things to Remember If You’re Experiencing Depression.

SUMMARY

There’s hardly another life experience that so many of us go through and yet, while going through it, feel so utterly alone in it. Depression lies. It tells you you’re alone, that it’s permanent, that you deserve to feel this way.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Clearly, huge numbers of us – particularly us adult women – will experience depression at some point in our lives.
2. 1. It is not a sign of weakness, brokenness, or anything to be ashamed about. Period.
3. 2. For many, depression IS treatable.
4. References
5. Frequently Asked Questions

Depression. There’s hardly another life experience that so many of us go through and yet, while going through it, feel so utterly alone in it.

SUMMARY

Depression lies. It tells you you’re alone, that it’s permanent, that you deserve to feel this way. These five grounded reminders from a therapist speak back to those lies with honesty and care — for the driven, ambitious women who are quietly suffering while presenting an intact exterior to the world.

Definition

Depression: A clinical and experiential state characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure, fatigue, cognitive changes, and often physical symptoms that meaningfully impair functioning. For women with relational trauma backgrounds, depression is often intertwined with attachment wounds, chronic nervous system dysregulation, and unprocessed grief.

Related Reading

• What does it mean to be an ambitious, upwardly mobile woman from a relational trauma background?
• Attachment Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Your Adult Connections
• Trauma and Relationships: When Your Professional Strengths Become Your Relationship Blindspots

Did you know that according to Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults annually (or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older) with a median onset age for this at age 32? And did you know that as many as one in 33 children and one in eight adolescents have clinical depression? Moreover, did you know that women are twice as likely to experience depression as men?

Clearly, huge numbers of us – particularly us adult women – will experience depression at some point in our lives.

DEFINITION
RELATIONAL TRAUMA

Relational trauma refers to psychological injury that occurs within the context of important relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers during childhood. Unlike single-incident trauma, relational trauma involves repeated experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistency, manipulation, or abuse within bonds where safety and trust should have been foundational.

And yet, for something that so many of us experience, there’s still a great deal of collective stigma and social shame in admitting that we personally struggle with it, stigma that often makes us feel isolated, disconnected, and like the only ones going through depression, through our own often hellish Dark Night of the Soul.

So if you’ve ever found yourself struggling with it, today’s post is dedicated to reminding you of five important things I think are critical to remember as you journey through depression.

1. It is not a sign of weakness, brokenness, or anything to be ashamed about. Period.

“The only way out is through.”

ROBERT FROST

Let me repeat this again: 

Depression is not a sign of weakness, brokenness, or anything to be ashamed about. Depression or, in other words, intense and persistent sadness, is, to a certain extent, actually a normal part of life and an entirely appropriate response to the losses, grief, stressors, etc. that we may experience in our lives.

Honestly, I think that most of us don’t get through this human experience without dealing with it at some point.

But of course, when depression and its accompanying feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and even worthlessness persist and interfere psychologically and physiologically with your ability to function in your life, depression may take on the form of a persistent disorder (for more information on classifications of depression check out this article from the National Institute of Mental Health).

And whether your depression is situation-dependent, short term or long term, remember that it is not a sign of weakness. It’s a literal chemical imbalance in your brain. It’s a pain in your soul that’s calling for your attention and attentiveness.

2. For many, depression IS treatable.

According to DBSA, “up to 80% of those treated for depression show an improvement in their symptoms generally within four to six weeks of beginning medication, psychotherapy, attending support groups or a combination of these treatments.” And yet, what’s also true is that nearly 2 out of 3 people suffering from depression do not seek treatment for it!

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Please. If you’re dealing with depression, reach out and get support. While it may seem hopeless from inside depression that this feeling state you’re in could ever get better (that’s the depression talking, it wants you to believe this!), the truth and reality is that things can get better if you get the right supports in place.

There is absolutely no shame whatsoever about needing medication, therapy, or other professional supports to help you get through this time. You deserve a chance to get through your depression with help so please, reach out to your doctor, a psychiatrist, or your therapist if you’re struggling with depression. Start a conversation about medication, alternative treatments, more intensive therapy, and other interventions that you and your professional providers think could help you.

Thank you — check your inbox.

Your guide is on its way.

You don’t have to do this alone. Depression is treatable and can be managed and, again, you don’t have to do this alone.

3. You can live with depression and still live a wonderful life. It just may look different than you imagined sometimes.

Depression doesn’t mean you’ll never feel better or be unable to do the things you want to in your life. But it may take extra care to manage your mental health along the way and to live a life that supports you instead of triggers your depression (more on that in point #4).

Depression doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t build a fulfilling career, a loving relationship and family, a connected community, or joyful hobbies. But it may mean that you have to have more supports and the right kind of expectations in place as you work towards cultivating these things in your life.

And while I may be biased, I think that therapy is one of the very best resources you can employ in helping you learn to build and cultivate a life that feels good even while you manage your depression.

4. Depression looks differently for everyone so find out what your version of depression needs to be managed.

While depression certainly has some tell-tale clinical indicators – persistent sadness, loss of interest in things that used to delight you, lack of energy, increase/decrease appetite or sleep, and more – the way that depression shows up for each of us may look different depending on how we learned to cope with it.

Moreover, there is no one prescriptive formula for what may help you manage and move through your depression.

Your therapist, doctor, and/or psychiatrist can work with you to help you understand what you may need physically, pharmacologically, and psychologically, but at the end of the day, no one is the expert of your depression experience but you.

Definitely take the advice of experts.

Take their advice about the evidence-based advice on medicines, exercise, diet, therapy interventions, etc, that may support you but also become a rigorous student of your own experience as you seek to manage and heal your depression.

Be deeply curious about what you personally need to manage your depression. Is it a certain kind of diet? A certain amount of sleep? A certain reduction of work or downtime on the weekends? Do you need to be deeply involved in creative or expressive activities? Or do you need more or less contact in order to manage your depression? Do you need a radical lifestyle change? A media fast? Do you need bodywork and therapy and exercise and [fill in the blank]? You get the idea…

So practice deep curiosity about how you can manage and move through your depression. Educate yourself about how your own personal depression experience shows up and what’s helped you in the past and what may help you now. And always ask for help and support in figuring this out.

Much like someone who might have a chronic injury may have to learn and be vigilant about what helps and hurts their weak ankle, bad back, etc, when you live with or are experiencing depression, it’s your job (along with support from your health care providers) to understand what possibly triggers your depression and what helps it.

5. You are not alone in your depression.

As I’ve said before, when you’re in a depressive episode or living with depression, you may feel like you’re the only one who’s going through this. But you are so not alone! For starters, re-read those statistics at the top of the article to really deeply see in black and white just how many people actually deal with depression.

And then, moreover, there are scores of examples (and more surfacing everyday) of people who are disclosing that they live with depression (or anxiety, or bipolar, or other mental health challenges) who have also journeyed through depression and who have crafted lives for themselves that, presumably, feel full and good to them.

Some of my very favorite examples of celebrities who have experienced depression and/or who live with it persistently and spoken up about it include author J.K. Rowling, blogger Glennon Melton Doyle, and actress Kristen Bell.

And then there are the stories of the “non-famous” who live with and manage depression everyday of their lives. Reading their stories on sites like The Mighty (among other sites) can help remind you that even if you struggle with depression, you are not alone. But sometimes it may really feel that way.

So when you’re going through a depressive episode or living with depression, read the stories of others who live with it, too, so that you can feel less alone.

Moving forward. (because moving forward with depression IS possible.)

Depression is a common experience that so many of us face and yet is something that so many people still hold stigma and shame around admitting.

Please hear me: Experiencing depression is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a normal and natural human experience that many of us go through in life. You are not broken, less worthy, or less capable because you deal with depression. And you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out for professional support. Read the stories of others who have also gone through it. And learn what you personally may need to manage and move through your depression. You can do this.

Now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:

Leave me a message in the comments below and I’ll be sure to respond.

Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.

Warmly,

Annie

Frequently Asked Questions

You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.

References

• National Institute of Mental Health (2023). Major Depression. National Institute of Mental Health.
• Merikangas, K. R., He, J.-P., Burstein, M., Swanson, S. A., Avenevoli, S., Cui, L., Benjet, C., Georgiades, K., & Swendsen, J. (2010). Lifetime prevalence of mental disorders in U.S. adolescents: results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication–Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A). Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.
• Kuehner, C. (2017). Why is depression more common among women than among men?. The Lancet Psychiatry.
• American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
• Mayo Clinic Staff (2022). Depression (major depressive disorder). Mayo Clinic.
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (2023). Depression Treatment. DBSA.
• Kessler, R. C., Berglund, P., Demler, O., Jin, R., Merikangas, K. R., & Walters, E. E. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry.
• Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. Basic Books.
• Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Cuijpers, P., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., & Purgato, M. (2020). Meta-analyses and mega-analyses of the effectiveness of cognitive-behavioral therapy for adult depression. World Psychiatry.

Both/And: You Can Take Your Condition Seriously and Still Refuse to Be Defined By It

When a driven woman receives a clinical diagnosis — whether it’s depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any condition that disrupts the narrative of “I have it together” — the response is often split. Part of her feels relief: finally, a name for what she’s been experiencing. Another part feels threatened: this label could undermine everything she’s built. In my work, I find it’s critical to hold space for both responses.

Nadia is a tech executive who was diagnosed with complex PTSD after three years of therapy. She’d always known something was off — the hypervigilance, the nightmares, the way her body went rigid during conflict — but putting a clinical name to it made it real in a way that frightened her. “If I have PTSD, does that mean I’m damaged?” she asked me. What I told her is what I tell every driven woman who sits with a diagnosis for the first time: the diagnosis describes what happened to you, not who you are.

Both/And means Nadia can carry a diagnosis and carry on with her life. She can take her mental health seriously — medication, therapy, lifestyle changes — and still be the competent, driven professional she’s always been. She can be a woman with complex PTSD and a woman who runs a $50 million division. The diagnosis doesn’t diminish her. If anything, it explains the extraordinary energy she’s been expending to function at the level she does, and it points toward a path where functioning doesn’t have to cost so much.

The Systemic Lens: The Structural Barriers Between Diagnosis and Healing

When a driven woman receives a clinical diagnosis, she enters a healthcare system that was not designed with her in mind. Mental health research has historically underrepresented women, particularly women of color. Diagnostic criteria were often developed based on how conditions present in men, meaning women’s symptoms are systematically misidentified or dismissed. The gender pain gap — the well-documented phenomenon of women’s pain being taken less seriously than men’s — extends directly into mental health, where women’s distress is more likely to be attributed to personality, hormones, or stress than to legitimate clinical conditions.

For driven women specifically, there’s an additional systemic barrier: the assumption that high functioning equals low severity. A woman who shows up to work, meets deadlines, and maintains relationships while managing a debilitating condition is often told — explicitly or implicitly — that she “can’t be that bad.” Her competence is used as evidence against her suffering, which is not only clinically inaccurate but deeply invalidating. High-functioning presentations of clinical conditions aren’t milder. They’re just better disguised, usually at enormous personal cost.

In my work, I hold the systemic lens because it affects treatment outcomes. When a driven woman understands that the healthcare system’s failure to see her clearly isn’t a reflection of her severity or validity, she can advocate for herself more effectively. She can seek clinicians who understand high-functioning presentations, insist on treatment that addresses the full picture, and stop internalizing the system’s limitations as her own.

If what you’ve read here resonates, I want you to know that individual therapy and executive coaching are available for driven women ready to do this work. You can also explore my self-paced recovery courses or schedule a complimentary consultation to find the right fit.

About the Author

Annie Wright, LMFT

LMFT #95719  ·  Relational Trauma Specialist  ·  W.W. Norton Author

Helping ambitious women finally feel as good as their résumé looks.

As a licensed psychotherapist (LMFT #95719), trauma-informed executive coach, and relational trauma specialist with over 15,000 clinical hours, she guides ambitious women — including Silicon Valley leaders, physicians, and entrepreneurs — in repairing the psychological foundations beneath their impressive lives. Annie is the founder and former CEO of Evergreen Counseling, a multimillion-dollar trauma-informed therapy center she built, scaled, and successfully exited. A regular contributor to Psychology Today, her expert commentary has appeared in Forbes, Business Insider, Inc., NBC, and The Information. She is currently writing her first book with W.W. Norton.

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