Hey friend,
The questions you submitted for this month’s Q&A confirmed something I see constantly with driven women: the terror of recognizing yourself in the very patterns you’ve spent years identifying in the people who hurt you.
Questions about scoring high on multiple mirrors in the workbook — both management and reflection — and wondering if having more than one pattern means you’re more damaged. About reading my letter on narcissistic traits in intimate relationships and suddenly seeing yourself instead of just your mother. About tearing up because the “Hungry Ghost” and “bottomless well” descriptions felt like reading your own diary. About being scared you actually have NPD and wondering if you’ve been the problem this whole time.
Your questions weren’t asking for narcissism education or relationship repair strategies. They were asking something much more vulnerable: What does it mean when I see myself in the patterns I’ve been running from? Does recognizing these traits in myself mean I’m actually a narcissist? And — the one that keeps women staring at the ceiling at 3 AM — have I been the villain in my own story without knowing it?
Because here’s the thing: when you’ve spent years identifying narcissistic dynamics around you, recognizing those same hungers in yourself doesn’t feel like insight. It feels like discovering you’re the monster after all.
In this month’s Q&A, I get into the critical distinction between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder.
Here’s part of my response to the reader terrified she might have NPD:
“Recognizing narcissistic traits in yourself is not the same thing as having narcissistic personality disorder. The fact that you’re reading my letter and recognizing yourself in it, the fact that you’ve been tearing up and worried about the impact on your husband — that’s actually one of the clearest indicators that what you’re experiencing is NOT NPD. People with narcissistic personality disorder rarely, if ever, have this kind of reflective distress about their impact on others.”
The complete Q&A goes deeper into why most driven women from complicated families have both a management mirror AND a reflection mirror — and why these aren’t contradictions but two sides of the same adaptation. I also get into the reality that developmental hungers from childhood don’t vanish when you build an impressive adult life. They go underground and can erupt in ways that look and feel narcissistic when you finally find someone safe enough to let your guard down with.
These conversations are too nuanced for surface-level personality disorder education and too specific for generic relationship advice. They’re for women who understand that recognizing these patterns in themselves isn’t evidence of being damaged — it’s evidence of being adapted. And adaptation is workable.
The full 11-minute recording and complete transcript are below, including practical guidance on which mirror pattern to work on first, why reflective distress indicates you DON’T have NPD, and why bringing this material to therapy can deepen your healing work.
Click play on the video below to listen to the full 11-minute Q&A, or scroll down past the video to read the complete transcript at your own pace.
