Emotional regulation tools for trauma in our self-care tool chest.
What is the signal value of emotions and why should you respect it?
Signal value simply means the information contained. In other words, emotions are not random; they carry significant information about our internal states and our interactions with the external world. When we learn to pay attention to what information our emotions hold, we’re better equipped to take action.
Why this matters:
Understanding what your emotions are trying to tell you can help you address the underlying issues causing those feelings. For instance, anger might signal that a personal boundary has been crossed, while sadness might indicate a loss that needs to be mourned. You’ve now got more information to take the next appropriate steps.
How to practice:
Let’s take that anger example and flesh it out. First, we have to understand and honor that anger’s signal value means that we have a need that’s not being met or a boundary that’s being crossed. So, for example, if you’re walking away from a conversation with your sister-in-law and are feeling irritated/annoyed/grumpy but you don’t know quite why, check in with yourself: notice your anger and get curious about what may have happened in that interaction. Did she somehow cross a boundary of yours? Did you have a need in that relationship that didn’t get met? Is your anger a sign you may need to have a follow up conversation and/or set a boundary with her moving forward?
How do you learn to tolerate big, overwhelming feelings?
I intentionally capitalized the B and F of Big Feelings because for so many of us from relational trauma backgrounds, this is how it can so often feel. Capital B. Capital F. Our feelings feel huge because of the intensity of our triggers and the lack of our capacity (for now at least) to tolerate them.
Why this matters:
Learning tools to help cope with (and not react to) those big feelings allows you to process and integrate these experiences healthily, decreasing the emotional intensity and potentially reducing damage that may have come from acting out on those big feelings.
How to practice:
Here’s a highly effective tool derived from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy):
TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation) is a DBT distress tolerance tool designed to quickly reduce intense emotions. Change your body temperature by holding your face in cold water, engage in short bursts of intense physical activity like running in place, slow down your breathing to a steady pace, and practice progressive muscle relaxation by tensing and relaxing each muscle group. These steps help to calm your nervous system, release emotional energy, and reduce physical and emotional tension.
How do you learn to express emotions in healthy, appropriate ways?
Expressing emotions appropriately (versus lashing out inappropriately) is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and achieving emotional well-being. This involves communicating your feelings in a way that is honest, respectful, and regulated.
Why this matters:
Appropriate expression of emotions helps prevent misunderstandings, reduces interpersonal conflict, and promotes emotional intimacy. It also allows you to assert your needs and boundaries effectively, preserving relationships versus damaging them.
How to practice:
In one of my older posts Three Tools So You Won’t End Up Like Schopenhauer’s Porcupine I shared a wealth of non-violent communication tools. Like framing conversations for success, pacing, and validating techniques. Please check out that older post for tools to support your “appropriate expression” of your emotions.
How can therapy help you build stronger emotional regulation skills?
Learning emotional regulation tools on your own can be powerful, but many people find that working with a therapist accelerates this process significantly, especially when relational trauma has disrupted your natural emotional development.
A skilled therapist provides what your nervous system may have missed in childhood—consistent co-regulation with someone who can stay calm and present even when you’re experiencing Big Feelings.
Through the therapeutic relationship, you’re not just intellectually learning about emotions; you’re experiencing what it feels like to have your emotions witnessed, validated, and contained without judgment or abandonment. This corrective experience helps rewire those early patterns where emotions may have been met with dismissal, punishment, or chaos.
For those ready to begin this journey, exploring 4 helpful tools when fear triggers your trauma can provide immediate strategies while you consider longer-term therapeutic support. The combination of daily emotional regulation practice and professional guidance creates lasting change—teaching your nervous system that emotions are manageable information, not catastrophic threats.
Wrapping up.
Now, this is just a handful of the hundreds of emotional regulation techniques you can supply the “Emotional Regulation Drawer” of your self-care tool chest with.
But my hope in sharing this post is that you see how multi-dimensional this drawer is. This drawer is about naming emotions, understanding what information they contain, tolerating them, and then, from there and if necessary, appropriately expressing needs or wants around them.
Again, this is likely not education those of us from relational trauma backgrounds received when we were young so I truly hope even this high-level overview feels helpful for you to hear.
Now I’d love to hear from you in the comments below:
What’s one of your favorite emotional regulation tools?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message so our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
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