“Trauma is any experience that leaves a person feeling hopeless, helpless, or profoundly unsafe.”
Summary
One of the most common barriers to getting support for childhood suffering is the belief that your experience doesn’t ‘count’ as trauma—that it wasn’t bad enough, that others had it worse, that you should be over it by now. This post directly addresses those doubts, offers a clear working definition of trauma, and makes the case that if your nervous system was affected, it counts.
Nervous System Dysregulation
Your nervous system is the body’s threat-detection apparatus. When it’s been shaped by relational trauma, it can get stuck in patterns of hypervigilance (always scanning for danger) or hypoarousal (shutting down to cope). Nervous system dysregulation means your body’s alarm system fires too easily, too often, or not at all — regardless of what your conscious mind knows to be true.
– Janina Fisher, PhD
Trauma
Trauma, in its most clinically accurate and widely accepted definition, is not about what happened to you—it’s about the impact of what happened on your nervous system and sense of self. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as an emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event, but contemporary trauma researchers emphasize that trauma is less about the event itself and more about whether the person had sufficient resources to process the experience at the time. If you didn’t, the experience leaves traces.
In the course of my thirteen years as a therapist, I’ve heard some iteration of these two questions hundreds of times:
“What even *is* trauma?” and “How do I know if mine “counts”?”
I’ll never get tired of answering these questions – whether it’s for my individual therapy clients or here on the internet with you.
I’ll never get tired of answering these questions because they were two of the dominant questions I wondered about for years, too.
So I answer my clients and I share this information widely online because they’re the answers I would have so desperately wanted to know when I was 15 or 20 years old.
So, with the hopes that this will feel helpful to you, let me share some psychoeducation with you.
Table of Contents
- What is trauma?
- Trauma is subjective.
- Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
- And OF COURSE these are all potentially very traumatic experiences.
- What kind of events and circumstances might lead to trauma?
- Recognizing Your Trauma Through Professional Support
- This – complex trauma – is the focus of my entire body of clinical work in the world.
- References
What is trauma?
“Traumatic events overwhelm the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning.”
– Judith Herman, MD
Let’s begin with a broad, high-level overview of what trauma is and isn’t.
This may feel redundant and obvious to you but I still want to ground us into this 30,000 foot view and reiterate what you may already know so that this information and everything else I share in this essay is firmly cemented.
I believe psychoeducation for those of us who come from relational trauma histories is critical.
Relational Trauma
Relational trauma is the psychological injury that results from repeated experiences of feeling unsafe, unseen, or unvalued in significant relationships — particularly early ones. It doesn’t require a single catastrophic event; it accumulates through patterns of emotional neglect, inconsistency, or control in the relationships that were supposed to teach you what love looks like.
The more you really understand the basics of it – not to mention the more you know about it specifically – the more easily you can see yourself and your life story more clearly and be equipped to seek out the right kind of support.
So, again, we ask the question: what defines trauma?
Trauma is subjective.
I want to share a quote with you from one of my favorite trauma clinicians – Karen Saakvitne, Ph.D.
“Trauma is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions in which the individual’s ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is overwhelmed and the individual experiences (either objectively or subjectively) a threat to his/her life, bodily integrity, or that of a caregiver or family.”
It guides my work with anyone who has experienced it. Especially those who have experienced relational trauma and I hope it feels helpful for you to hear.
Signs You May Be Carrying Relational Trauma
Take this 5-minute, 25-question quiz to find out — and learn what to do next if you do.
Why is this quote and what it represents so important?
For so long, in my field and collectively by lay people, trauma was imagined as something only soldiers endured in war.
Or as a single, terrible event like a car crash or a rape.
And OF COURSE these are all potentially very traumatic experiences.
But in this current iteration of psychological traumatology – there has been an increasing (and much needed) understanding of the neurobiology of trauma, including the subjectivity of it.
In other words, contrary to popular belief, it isn’t relegated to just a discrete set of experiences or incidents (like a car crash or wartime conflict).
Instead, it now has a much more expansive definition.
Trauma can be an event, series of events, or prolonged circumstances that are subjectively experienced by the individual who goes through it as physically, mentally, and emotionally harmful and/or life-threatening AND that overwhelms the individual’s ability to effectively cope with what they went through.
The key here is the word “subjective” – what may make something traumatic to me, may not to you, and so forth.
As a clinician, I gauge trauma by whether the client’s BODY is having a trauma response, not whether the precipitating incident was objectively traumatic.
If a trauma response is present, then trauma is present.
Again, I want you to understand that it is subjective so that we can answer that second question – “How do I know if mine counts?”
Simply put, if it felt traumatic to you, it counts.
What kind of events and circumstances might lead to trauma?
“Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.”
— Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Now, having grounded us in the realization that it is subjective and highly personal, there are still proverbial buckets of experiences we can categorize traumatic events and circumstances into that help us answer the first part of that question: “What even is trauma?”
These buckets of experiences, combined with the element of subjectivity, come into play when we talk about relational trauma. (the focus of my clinical body of work) Because you endure relational trauma. As well as have traumatic experiences from any of these other types of trauma buckets, too. WHICH can exacerbate the impacts of relational trauma.
I’ll be writing more on this – the compounding of various forms of trauma – in future essays but, for now, let’s just quickly review these primary buckets.
- Acute trauma: This refers to a single-incident, one-time event such as experiencing a wildfire, car crash, school shooting, terrorist event, or house fire.This is what so many people historically and stereotypically think of as “trauma.”
- Chronic trauma: This refers to a set of experiences that are repeated and take place over time, such as enduring racial microaggressions, middle school bullying, poverty, exposure to violence in the community, or long-term medical challenges.
- Secondary trauma: Also known as vicarious trauma. This type can affect people who help others cope with trauma, such as healthcare professionals, therapists, and first responders. It results from exposure to others’ traumatic experiences rather than from direct personal experience.
- Complex trauma: Often called developmental or relational trauma. It’s the kind that takes place over time in the context of a caretaking relationship. (Usually between a parent and child.) It fails to adequately support the child’s biopsychosocial development. Such as in cases when ongoing neglect, sexual abuse, physical punishment, witnessing domestic violence, or being raised by a personality- or mood-disordered parent occurs.
Recognizing Your Trauma Through Professional Support
When you’ve spent years questioning whether your experiences “count” as trauma, working with a trauma-informed therapist can provide the validation and framework you’ve been seeking.
A skilled therapist understands that trauma isn’t measured by comparing your story to others’ but by recognizing how your unique nervous system responded to overwhelming experiences. In the therapeutic space, you don’t need to justify why your trauma is “bad enough”—the focus is on how these experiences affected you subjectively and continue to impact your life today.
This validation alone can be profoundly healing for those who’ve minimized their suffering or been told they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” For those beginning to recognize patterns of impact from their past, understanding the signs that your childhood negatively affected you can help connect current struggles to their origins.
The therapeutic relationship provides what may have been missing—someone who believes your subjective reality matters, who doesn’t require your trauma to fit specific criteria, and who helps you understand that healing begins with honoring the truth of your experience, not proving it was “traumatic enough.”
This – complex trauma – is the focus of my entire body of clinical work in the world.
I’ll be elaborating on how and why this particular kind of trauma is, in my personal and professional opinion, one of the most damaging kinds to endure in my next essay.
But, for now, hopefully by sharing this high quality psychoeducation with you in today’s essay, you can help answer the questions I would have liked to answer when I was fifteen or twenty years old:
“What even *is* trauma?” and “How do I know if mine “counts”?”
And now I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
Did this information help answer one or both of those questions for you? How does realizing this support you and your healing work?
If you feel so inclined, please leave a message. Our community of 30,000 blog readers can benefit from your share and wisdom.
Here’s to healing relational trauma and creating thriving lives on solid foundations.
Warmly,
Annie
References
- Pearlman, L. A., Saakvitne, K. W., & Weingarten, K. (2000). Risking connection: A training curriculum for working with survivors of childhood abuse. Sidran Institute.
If you’re ready to go deeper, I work one-on-one with driven, ambitious women through relational trauma recovery therapy and trauma-informed executive coaching. And if this essay resonated, there’s more where it came from — my Substack newsletter goes deeper every week on relational trauma, nervous system healing, and the inner lives of ambitious women. Subscribe for free — I can’t wait to be of support to you.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if what I experienced was really trauma?
The most useful question isn’t ‘was it bad enough?’ but ‘what impact did it have?’ If experiences from your childhood continue to shape how you relate to others, how safe your nervous system feels, how you experience your own worth, or how you respond to stress—those are the fingerprints of trauma, regardless of how the events might appear to an outside observer.
Does trauma have to involve a big obvious event?
No. Some of the most significant trauma is ‘small t’ or relational—it comes from chronic patterns of misattunement, emotional unavailability, criticism, or unpredictability rather than single dramatic events. These experiences can have equal or greater impact on the developing nervous system than discrete incidents, precisely because they were constant.
What if I had a ‘good childhood’ but still struggle?
Privilege and safety in some domains don’t preclude trauma in others. A child can grow up in material comfort while experiencing emotional neglect, conditional love, or relational unpredictability—and those experiences matter for the nervous system regardless of the surrounding circumstances. ‘I had it good’ and ‘I was also affected by trauma’ can both be true.
Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect is the absence of adequate emotional attunement, validation, and responsiveness from caregivers. Unlike abuse, it’s defined by what didn’t happen — the comfort that wasn’t offered, the feelings that weren’t mirrored, the needs that went unnoticed. Its invisibility is what makes it so insidious and so hard to name in adulthood.
How do I know if my childhood experiences still affect me?
Look at your patterns rather than your memories. Do you consistently struggle in relationships in recognizable ways? Do you have a harsh inner critic? Do you feel like an imposter despite genuine success? Does intimacy feel threatening? These patterns often trace back to childhood relational experiences, whether or not you have clear memories of specific events.
The Inner Critic
The inner critic is the internalized voice that relentlessly evaluates, shames, and pressures you. In the context of relational trauma, it’s often a protective part that developed to keep you in line — to preempt criticism from others by criticizing yourself first. It’s not your enemy; it’s an exhausted sentry that doesn’t know the war is over.
Is it too late to address childhood trauma as an adult?
No—and this deserves a clear answer. The nervous system retains the capacity for change throughout life. Adults who address their childhood trauma through skilled, attuned therapeutic work regularly experience significant shifts in how they feel, relate, and live. It’s not too late. It’s actually possible.
This is part of our comprehensive guide on this topic. For the full picture, read: Childhood Trauma: A Therapist’s Complete Guide.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post is for psychoeducational and informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy, clinical advice, or a therapist-client relationship. For full details, please read our Medical Disclaimer. If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
You deserve a life that feels as good as it looks. Let’s work on that together.
